It Could Be “Assholes,” It Could Be “Chumps” . . . You Never Know

A bar featuring some very expensive bottles of wine is bucking conventional wisdom and offering those wines by the glass:

A posh Italian bar where patrons can pop a cork and purchase $4,000 bottles of wine by the glass is on its way to TriBeCa.

But the question remains what the square-bracketed word that the proprietor used was:

“We want to give [everyone] the experience.”

At Some Point We Need To Ask Ourselves, “Why Do They Hate Us?”

Either that or someone is sure upset about bike share:

[A man], 27, of Newark, a gang member with 12 arrests in the Garden State, showed up at the security entrance of the government building while the mayor held an outdoor press conference on the city’s new bike share program on Monday.

“I want to take on the mayor in a fight. Man vs. man, and knock him out,” he told cops at the Broadway and Murray St. entrance around 11:30 and to attend the event.

And Then I Stank Up The Joint

Don’t ever say that Brooklyn’s elected representatives aren’t responsive to their constituents:

“I am still listening to all the stakeholders, including the brunching community, the religious community, and the religious brunching community.”

A Third Term Fizzles Into Petulance

To say he’s off-message implies that there’s some message to begin with. But I like the idea that 10-plus years after Sept. 11 someone would freely admit not even bothering to read a 911 report:

Mayor Michael Bloomberg admitted on Tuesday he didn’t read a report chronicling problems in New York City’s 911 emergency dispatch system, a document he commissioned in the wake of his administration’s poor response to the December 2010 blizzard.

In a flash of exasperation when a reporter pressed him about the report, he said, “I didn’t even bother to read it.”

Groping At Straws

Is it really that easy to get tagged not only as a serial groper but a dapper one at that on such flimsy evidence? In Bloomberg and Kelly’s New York, yes:

His nightmare started on April 12, when two detectives showed up at his Park Slope apartment asking him questions about groping attacks on women in fancy Manhattan neighborhoods.

Someone who knew [the suspect] called the NYPD’s anonymous Crimestoppers tip line and told them that a surveillance video image of the attacker looked like him.

Of course shitty police work can be fixed but first impressions are forever. This guy seems remarkably cheerful for someone who was accused of being this close to being a rapist.

Solution: Ban Seeded Bagels

This could rival the War on Brunch for municipal stupidity, except I think the Health Department probably just needs more cash for a new campaign against another food additive. I don’t know how else to interpret the agency citing a bagel shop for having too many sesame seeds on its floor:

A Health Department spokeswoman said the bagel shop was cited on Oct. 23, 2011, for “a heavy accumulation of seeds in the same area that many mouse droppings were found.”

No mice were detected in an earlier inspection on Aug. 1, 2011, and none were found in the latest inspection on April 5, when B&B was awarded the highest cleanliness grade of “A.”

Now, [the bagel shop owner] and his son [. . .] have invested close to $900,000 in larger stainless steel preparation tables — in hopes of containing seed fallout — and an expensive water-filter vacuum to suck up the seeds from the floor.

So You Have Mayor Bloomberg And NYC & Co. To Thank When Your Child Asks You For $1100 A Month To Keep The Dream Of Post-Collegiate Greenpoint Alive

Two-thirds of the way into Ginia Bellafante’s column on what draws people to New York is this sociologist’s explanation of the city’s appeal:

But the past few years, defined by economic challenges, have seemed only to burnish the city’s appeal. An analysis of American Community Survey data by Susan Weber-Stoger of the Queens College Department of Sociology reveals that more people moved to New York City (over 223,000 of them a year on average) after the financial crisis in 2008 and through 2010 than did from 2005 to 2007, an increase of 10 percent.

. . .

When I discussed some of these numbers with Miriam Greenberg, a sociologist who has written extensively about the branding of New York, she cited the highly strategized efforts the current mayoral administration has made to sell the city to the world.

There’s nothing a third term can’t do!

One More Example Is All We Need To Make New York City Resemble A Cranked-Out Exurb Somewhere In Flyover Country

First manhole covers, now tree pit grates:

Thieves ripped away iron guards protecting roughly 20 trees on Restaurant Row, the Times Square Alliance announced Friday, one day after ConEd revealed the theft of more than 30 manhole covers were stolen around thfrom around the city.

Brooklyn Jumps Shark, Steals Shark’s Wallet And Cellphone, Then Gives Shark A Wet Willie, Because Of Course Sharks Have Ears, Too

Despite widespread dissent about the so-called War on Brunch, even at the highest levels of Brooklyn local government, Brooklyn’s Community Board 1 doubles down, and looks fucking stupid in the process:

Community Board 1 public safety chairman Tom Burrows asked neighbors to join his fight and help monitor illegal brunching activity at a 94th Precinct council meeting in Greenpoint on Wednesday.

“If you see restaurants serving brunch on the sidewalk before noon, call 311!” said Burrows — who has come to play the role of General Patton in the escalating conflict. “I didn’t pass the law, but that’s the law.”

Oh please.

Truer Words, Etc.: “It’s Going To Be A Symbol That Long Island City/Queens Plaza Is Open For Business”

So here’s how the “slippery slope” works . . .

When the shitty warehouse with the “iconic” Pepsi-Cola sign on top of it in Long Island City was going to be demolished about ten years ago, people clamored to save the sign because it was part of the area’s industrial past. Only a very few people wondered why anyone was giving free advertising to a corporation. This wasn’t just a dopey sign, but giant 40-foot neon along the East River in plain view of hundreds of thousands of people.

Most people got all mushy about old signage — which is understandable — people love old shit, no matter how egregiously commercial it once was.

So the sign was saved, which is like, whatever, it’s just a dumb old timey-time sign. Anything to make a really fucking ugly waterfront look a little less like Battery Park City. All well and good and whatnot.

But then something truly disgusting happened: A sleazy airplane company extorted the city for concessions to keep their company in New York, and the politicians in this dumpy borough sold out the shitty skyline in Queens Plaza to this company. Why? Because it’s part of the supposed “tradition” of shitty commercial advertising in the Manhattan-facing neighborhoods of Queens. Fuck these people:

Despite early concern from Community Board 2 members, the airline company JetBlue received unanimous approval from the City Council Monday to build a 40-foot backlit sign on top of its new headquarters in Long Island City.

“I think it’s going to be a visual reminder of the continued transformation and resurgence of the Dutch Kills/Queens Plaza area, and I think it’s going to be a symbol that Long Island City/Queens Plaza is open for business,” Councilman Jimmy Van Bramer (D-Sunnyside) said.

. . .

The 40-foot backlit sign would be shaped like the company logo in a similar fashion to the Silvercup Studios and PepsiCola signs located elsewhere in Long Island City.

If You Can Find 300 Crabs In Newtown Creek, You’re Set For The Year . . .

I’d like to meet the person who eats even one crab from Newtown Creek:

Brooklynites should be wary about eating anything they catch in Newtown Creek because of high bacteria levels, said state scientists, who recommended that women under age 50 and children under age 15 refrain from consuming any fish caught in the waterway. Men over age 15 and women over age 50 should limit their intake of North Brooklyn seafood at one meal of bluefish, carp, and bass per month, and no more than six crabs per week, the study said.

Greenpoint boaters welcomed the news.

Location Scout: Newtown Creek.

We Are All Mr. Met Now

Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey on the dirty little secret about Mr. Met, which is that he doesn’t seem to do much of anything:

The longtime Flushing favorite was chosen as the nation’s No. 1 sports mascot based on his likeability, familiarity and several other factors.

. . .

[. . .] Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey was a bit surprised by the choice.

“There’s no scooter he rides,” Dickey said Tuesday. “He’s not breaking the other team’s helmet into pieces. Maybe the appeal is that he’s like everybody else. He walks around just like they do.”

See also: Mr. Met.

“Eendraght Maeckt Maght” Is Russian For “Buddy, Throw Some Teal In There!”

It’s the Spinal Tap Black Album of basketball logos:

The main event at the news conference was the unveiling of the new Nets logos. The simple black-and-white designs prominently feature the word “Brooklyn,” all but trumpeting the fact that the players’ new jerseys are, well, no longer linked to New Jersey.

The two insignia were created by the rapper Jay-Z, who owns part of the team, and designed to resemble the black-and-white tiles and typeface of old New York subway stations. The first is a triangular shield with a basketball inside it emblazoned with the letter B and the word “Brooklyn” inscribed in capital letters underneath. The second is a circle with a letter-B basketball and the words “Brooklyn New York.”

Nostalgia For When Basketball Franchises Were Made Of Wax, Except It’s Not Nostalgia, And It’s Now!!

The really interesting thing will be when Brooklyn finally discovers irrelevance:

New York City: Where Real Estate Closings Resemble Episode Three Of Jersey Shore

Which Episode Three? That shouldn’t matter:

“A lot of people in this city have gotten what they want by being emotional.”

What If It Never Actually Becomes “State-Of-The-Art”?

Keep in mind that a capacity of 14,500 would be smaller than every other NHL arena:

Bruce Ratner, who will welcome the NBA’s Nets to Brooklyn next season, is hopeful of the arena’s potential NHL prospects as well, perhaps even the New York Islanders, who are looking for a new home. In fact, the building already has ice and locker rooms for both sports.

. . .

“It holds 14,500 for hockey,” Ratner said.

That’s fewer people than the minor league facility that the Winnipeg Jets play in . . .

Unlike The Mayor, Sometimes You Own The “Communist Russia” Comparison

The other day the mayor tried out a Commie Soviet comparison. This guy, however, really owns it:

Leon Kogut, who opened Leon’s Fantasy Cut at Newkirk Plaza more than 20 years ago, said he was going about his business back in February when city Department of Consumer Affairs inspectors came in and started asking him questions about his cash register.

“They asked me how come my cash register doesn’t give receipts and I said this cash register is from 1912!” said Kogut. “Nobody asks for receipts here — it’s a barber shop.”

. . .

Kogut, a Russian immigrant, says he’ll move on from the fines — but the ordeal reminded him of the country he left decades ago.

“In the Soviet Union it was almost the same,” he said. “They went around to businesses just like this. . . .”

April Fools’ Day (Observed)

I like that when the mayor is asked about supposed Health Department plans to ban Happy Hour — not any particular happy hour, rather all happy hours ever — he sounds like he’s reminding the Health Department that this is not happening:

“The Health Department has no plans. We told them we have no plans.”

Metro New York adds to that quote:

“The Health Department has no plans. We told them we have no plans. It is a totally fictitious, made-up story, and it’s just not what I would call responsible journalism.”

I totally don't believe him!

Posted: April 30th, 2012 | Filed under: See, The Thing Is Was . . ., Things That Make You Go "Oy"

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The Value-Added Pedestrian Plaza

“Value-added” in the sense that it’s the gift that keeps on giving — to politicians, newspaper reporters and various community groups:

At a town hall meeting held by U.S. Rep. Joseph Crowley (D-Jackson Heights) and City Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Jackson Heights) April 11, opponents once again made the case that the plaza, installed by the city Department of Transportation in October, should be removed.

Because if this pedestrian plaza didn’t exist, what would we be spending our mental space on?

Location Scout: 37th Road in Jackson Heights.

Smells Like Team Spirit

That’s in case you were wondering what New York Yankees perfume smells like:

The scents do not contain hints of Cracker Jack, pine tar or Big League Chew. Jennifer Mullarkey, vice president for fragrance and product development at Cloudbreak, developed the fragrances with Firmenich, a perfume supplier. Ms. Mullarkey wanted to “create something that exudes confidence, strength and classic timelessness.”

The cologne is a “fresh wood fragrance” that “really captures a fresh, clean element on top with citrus notes and aromatic notes,” Ms. Mullarkey said, “with woodiness, earthy patchouli and aromatic suede.”

You May Not Ever Participate In “Brunch,” You May Even Hate It, But Brooklyn Without Brunch Is An Existential Threat To Its Way Of Life

Brooklyn Community Board 1′s War on Brunch has moved away from bluster and toward imminent conflict:

Department of Consumer Affairs regulators issued a citation to the Lorimer Street bistro Lokal at 9:35 am for violating a little-known rule that bars eateries from operating sidewalk cafes before noon on Sundays.

. . .

The summons is a victory for CB1′s public safety general Tom Burrows, who vowed to shush noisy restaurants and move diners indoors by campaigning against restaurants that serve mimosas, bellinis, and french toast to sidewalk crowds on what some consider a day of rest.

Quotas To Go On Trial

Via a class-action lawsuit with a potentially enormous pool of plaintiffs:

Under the ruling by Manhattan federal judge Robert Sweet, those eligible to join the suit include everyone whose summonses were dismissed “upon a judicial finding of facial insufficiency and who were ticketed without probable cause” since May 25, 2007.

With any luck, this will happen just in time for, ugh, Ray Kelly’s mayoral run.

A Double Decker Of Weird

I don’t know which is more disturbing, that this man proposed to his girlfriend on a Megabus or that he did it on Hitler’s Birthday/Anniversary of Columbine Massacre/420 Day:

When [the woman] boarded the Megabus at the Port Authority, she had no idea what her boyfriend was up to. With family and friends on board, [the man] dropped to one knee and popped the question.

Thankfully, [she] said yes or it could have been an awkward trip.

If You’re Losing “Hundreds Of Dollars” On A Stupid Carnival Game Then You Deserve All The Lazer Tag You Can Possibly Tolerate

Interesting reframing of the charms of old Coney Island:

The city is finally cleaning up a longtime seedy strip near the Coney Island boardwalk that had been filled with rigged carnival games and ripped off beachgoers for years.

. . .

Upon receiving various complaints late last year, the city cleared out the old-school carnival games — including one booth called “Gangster Cigars” that was caught ripping customers off on a hidden camera by Arnold Diaz of Fox NY’s “Shame on You.”

Patrons would routinely lose hundreds of dollars trying to toss a rigged ping-pong ball through a hole to win a flat-screen TV.

One Day Community Boards Will Finally Stupid Themselves Out Of A Job

If there’s one that that people in Brooklyn love, it’s brunch. And nothing shows how totally fucking out of touch a community board is like cracking down on brunch:

A Williamsburg neighborhood group is waging a war on brunch — pressuring restaurants in one of the city’s mimosa-strongholds to open later, hush their patrons, and keep their diners inside.

Community Board 1 members want the city to enforce a little-known rule prohibiting restaurants from serving diners at outdoor sidewalk cafes on Sunday mornings.

“This would keep the sidewalks open for Sunday morning walks to church,” said Community Board 1 public safety chairman Tom Burrows. “Lokal, Enid’s, and Five Leaves consistently open their sidewalk cafe hours before noon on Sundays.”

If you’re bothered by people on the sidewalk, then New York City is kind of the wrong place for you . . .

You Think It’s Funny But The Office Of The Borough President Is A Complete Fucking Waste Of Money

The decision to overturn term limits just looks better and better:

In a show of Brooklyn pride, GZA adopted Markowitz as the newest member of the Wu-Tang Clan and dubbed him “Marty Wu,” before hinting that the legendary rap group may make an endorsement in the 2013 mayoral race.

Markowitz welcomed the rapper and said musicians such as GZA are evidence of the creative energy nurtured by the borough.

Sorry, did I say “better and better?” I meant better and better and better and better and better:

Borough presidents Marty Markowitz and Scott Stringer put their long-standing rivalry to rhyme Monday, dueling it out in arguably the worst rap battle of the century.

The showdown began when Markowitz, representing Brooklyn, slapped down his “take” of a verse from GZA’s “Liquid Swords” at a press conference with the Wu-Tang Clan member announcing the lineup of the 2012 Northside music festival.

“Through cyclones or typhoons, I represent Brooklyn from midnight to high noon. I don’t waste ink, I think, I drop ‘fuggedaboutits’ faster than you blink,” declared the pol, according to video of the showdown.

. . .

Never one to be outdone by a Brooklynite, Stringer stepped up to the plate and took to Twitter to recapture Manhattan’s cool.

“They call me Big Beep, Scott Stringer, Report Flinger, Retort Zinger,” he mused, prompting one Queens reporter to cringe, “oooh noooo.”

Audrey Gelman, a spokesman for the borough president, said it was Stringer’s idea to flex his lyrical muscles after he heard about Markowitz’s ditty from amused staffers earlier in the day.

Now That’s How You Explore A Local Angle

“Titanic failed to claim any Queens residents in 1912.”

The Solution? Embrace The “Cheap Shit Chinese” Genre . . .

Otherwise you run the risk of sounding like pretentious asshole:

A sweet-and-sour Brooklyn scribe is so nauseated by his neighborhood’s lousy Chinese food that he’s cooked up an online petition to lure a better chef to the ‘hood.

[A] Former New Yorker magazine web editor [ . . . ] says he’ll collect a few hundred signatures and personally deliver them to Manhattan Szechuan joints — hoping it’ll coax them to move their woks to Prospect Heights.

“Everybody deserves better Chinese food,” said [the man], 41, “but neighborhood Chinese restaurants seem to have gotten worse.”

The Scourge Of Occupy Chestnut Street

Because ultimately they’re just rats with good P.R.:

They are marauding gangs of troublemakers who set fire to cars, cut electrical wires and cause power outages, evading capture by scaling walls and climbing trees.

. . .

“It’s like Occupy Wall Street here,” lamented [the] president of the under-siege co-op at Glen Oaks Village. “It’s gotten worse in the past six months. We’re getting calls that they are in people’s apartments.”

And then the kicker:

But while the Queens co-op residents being terrorized by the daredevil vandals say they know exactly who their tormentors are, they insist that they’re helpless in stopping the crime wave — because the suspects are sex-happy squirrels.

When Mayoral Candidates Deliver

Artful governing pays off in the end with tremendous results:

Early this year, Christine C. Quinn, the speaker of the New York City Council, held a news conference at City Hall to announce that she had resolved one of the most contentious issues to face the Council during her six-year tenure — a proposed law that would raise the wages of workers in developments subsidized by the city.

. . .

This week, three months after her initial announcement, Ms. Quinn, a likely candidate for mayor next year, said that she had at last completed revising the measure, and that it would be “the most impactful living-wage law in the United States.”

But it now exempts even more employers, and by her office’s estimate, just 400 to 500 low-wage workers a year will benefit.