No, never:

A bizarre video hit the Web on Wednesday of a man rolling around the floor of an uptown 6 train playing with a chicken.

The state’s real message behind the soda tax? Save money, drink beer:

“A six-pack of soda is going to cost you approximately $4.99″ if the penny-an-ounce tax goes through, [New Yorkers Against Unfair Taxes chairman Nelson] Eusebio said, “where you can pick up beer from $2.99 to $3.99.”

A variation on the David Wooderson character in Richard Linklater’s Dazed and Confused — “That’s what I love about these high school teachers, man . . . I get older, they stay the same age”:

The Brooklyn high school janitor who caught two female language teachers in a state of conjugating bliss first thought the hot and heavy pair were students — and that’s why he alerted school officials, sources told The Post yesterday.

Earlier: “Language teachers . . . caught by janitor having naked romp in HS classroom”.

Now we see the wisdom in going after the public transit rider vote — polling stations at bus stops:

City buses are notoriously late, but many New Yorkers can’t even find out when they’re supposed to arrive.

None of the MTA Bus Company local lines have timetables posted on polls at stops and the Guide-A-Ride listings won’t be coming soon. The MTA just doesn’t have the money to put up schedules along the 46 routes serving the Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens, NYC Transit spokesman Charles Seaton said.

. . .

Most of the shelters are located next to polls serving NYC Transit lines, which usually have paper schedules (and some have digital ones), city Department of Transportation spokesman Montgomery Dean said. A DOT contractor maintains the shelters while the MTA is in charge of the timetables.

Emphasis added.

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not:

On Sunday afternoon, a few dozen ashen-faced night owls — looking for a respite from 90-degree temperatures — took to the beach. They plopped themselves, fully clothed, onto striped lounge chairs and stayed there for hours drinking free PBR. Daniel James, a tattooed nightlife promoter, flipped burgers on a big grill. Showing off bedbug-bitten legs, a girl splashed into the water alone, bouncing a beach ball. “Come on in guys, the temperature’s perfect,” she said, eliciting only confused stares from three tattooed friends.

Forget about Suffolk County’s famous sand though, it all took place in a 700-squarefoot sandbox on Suffolk Street — and the body of water was a two-foot kiddy pool. James, for one, said he’d choose the space — called the “Beach Bar” and located at the back of the Clemente Solo Voce Center — over real sand and surf any day. Kicking up his black motorcycle boots he lit up a Parliament. Exhaling, he said, “The Hamptons is way too far.”

Guy Trebay, keep your filthy hands off my beer gut:

Too pronounced to be blamed on the slouchy cut of a T-shirt, too modest in size to be termed a proper beer gut, developed too young to come under the heading of a paunch, the Ralph Kramden is everywhere to be seen lately, or at least it is in the vicinity of the Brooklyn Flea in Fort Greene, the McCarren Park Greenmarket and pretty much any place one is apt to encounter fans of Grizzly Bear.

What the trucker cap and wallet chain were to hipsters of a moment ago, the Kramden is to what my colleague Mike Albo refers to as the “coolios” of now. Leading with a belly is a male privilege of long standing, of course, a symbol of prosperity in most cultures and of freedom from anxieties about body image that have plagued women since Eve.

Grand Unifying Theory about Obama-era contrarianism at the link . . .

It’s not so much that you take every little grievance to the newspapers but rather that Made In NY has insinuated itself in every aspect of our lives:

“It was like a movie; you would think you would only see this in a movie. That’s how bad it was.”

The headline of the day is “Williamsburg wall denounces World Trade Center attacks” though I’m not sure that’s exactly right . . . I guess walls are just a lot less sentimental these days:

Cops are looking for the un-patriotic — and not very creative — neighborhood wall-scrawler who commented on one of the worst days in the city’s history with the words “F–K 9-11.”

The mean-spirited missive reportedly popped up on a wall on South 5th Street between Bedford Avenue and Berry Street on the night of July 28, outraged residents said.

. . . our whip-smart businessman mayor gives managers huge raises:

After crying poverty for months, Mayor Bloomberg authorized fat raises Friday for 6,692 of his managers and nonunion employees, worth $69 million over two years.

. . .

Those getting the raises will get lump-sum retroactive checks covering 16 months.

The seven deputy mayors will get raises ranging from $16,978 to $18,541, with the salary of First Deputy Commissioner Patricia Harris rising to $245,760.

Top commissioners will get a $23,247 raise, bringing their salaries to $189,700.

. . .

The raise was announced in a written statement by Bloomberg Press Secretary Stu Loeser, on a Friday afternoon, a time frequently reserved for news meant to slip under the radar.

Which is to say, the budget is basically kind of bullshit.

If you can’t figure out the impasse in Albany, tackle something truly baffling — like why the F train continues to suck:

The “performance and infrastructure” review, which goes beyond the agency’s normal oversight of the Coney Island to Queens line, came after state Sen. Daniel Squadron cornered the MTA’s Albany-based lobbyist and demanded action.

“I have been getting increasing complaints about the F line from my constituents and, no less important, my fiancee,” Squadron told The Brooklyn Paper. “So I asked the MTA to do a full review, and they agreed.

“There was definitely a sense in March and April, judging from the e-mails to our office, that something was wrong — the delays were longer, the trains more overcrowded,” Squadron added. “When I brought it up to the MTA, they did a quick search that suggested, at first glance, that something was wrong.

“That’s why they agreed to a full review,” he added. “I’m happy that they’re being responsive.”

(That said, Senator, you might want to carefully consider how campaigns like this craft your public image especially while things are so topsy-turvy.)

Inasmuch that Robert Moses was a product of the car-focused era in which he served, then no, Mayor Bloomberg is not Robert Moses, though I appreciate the blunt-force good-evil dichotomy that underlies the way the mayor’s apologists try to frame the issue of transportation:

Imagine narrow European-style roadways shared by pedestrians, cyclists and cars, all traveling at low speeds. Sidewalks made of recycled rubber in different colors under sleek energy-efficient lamps. Mini-islands jutting into the street, topped by trees and landscaping, designed to further slow traffic and add a dash of green.

This is what New York City streets could look like, according to the Bloomberg administration, which has issued the city’s first street design manual in an effort to make over the utilitarian 1970s-style streetscape that dominates the city.

. . .

Urban planners say that the document is long overdue, and that it promises to be as much a map to the future as it is a handbook for the present: getting people to think about streets as not just thoroughfares for cars, but as public spaces incorporating safety, aesthetics, environmental and community concerns.

Robert Moses, Mr. Bloomberg is not.

“Moses had a sort of utopian view of orderly, suburban places that de-emphasized New York’s ‘cityness,’ while Bloomberg embraces the soul of the city itself and recognizes it as a solution to the region’s environmental, sustainability, and energy problems,” said Robert Puentes, senior fellow at the Brookings Institution’s Metropolitan Policy Program.

Some drivers, though, are reserving judgment. Taxi drivers, for one, say that while they appreciate the city’s efforts to beautify the streets, they hope that they do not lead, even indirectly, to fewer parking spots or traffic that is too slow.

Another way to look at it: “Robert Moses” attempted to build infrastructure that spurred economic growth while Mayor Bloomberg seems to prefer tree pits and European-style lawn furniture in the middle of Broadway. Sure, he’ll “calm” traffic . . . by getting it down to the size where he can drown it in the bathtub.

Maybe you wondered why Bloomberg started a huge television campaign eight months before the election, a campaign featuring the mayor, “his trademark jacket and tie swapped for a casual button-down shirt, talking to ordinary New Yorkers about their financial woes.” Ads that focus on the mayor’s “plan to create or save 400,000 jobs, provide loans to small business and invest in infrastructure. ‘We do have a plan to get through this,’ Mr. Bloomberg says. ‘The city can’t do everything, but we can do a lot to make it easier for the people that live in this city.” Maybe you thought, wow, that’s early to be advertising, especially when likely opponents are basically silent. Hmm. Hmm:

Based on the amount of television time the mayor has purchased, the average New Yorker is likely to see the ads about 12 times.

Howard Wolfson, a spokesman for the campaign, said that New Yorkers “will certainly see the ad.” But, he added, “It will not saturate the airwaves.”

Asked about the timing, Mr. Wolfson said: “If it were up to me, we would have run ads a month earlier than today. This issue of jobs and the economy is one that we want to engage the public with in a conversation.”

So why burnish your middle class cred back in April? Is it because the Executive Budget is due in less than a week or so? Remember Chekhov’s Gun . . .

See, tax credits work! They give good jobs to deserving New Yorkers! Though there is something absurdly circular about someone getting laid off from an industry that is probably as responsible for reestablishing New York City’s on-screen persona than anything else in the city for the last couple of economic cycles who then gets work as an extra in those films. It’s like Old Tucson* or something:

Laid off in December from a private equity firm downtown, Trent Calabretta, 26, found himself last month within a cubicle’s length of Angelina Jolie on a Manhattan set for the movie “Salt.”

“I’m not one to get star-struck, but it was a bit surreal,” Mr. Calabretta said. “There were thousands of people there, and we were going up and down Park Avenue for this one parade scene. People were playing military officials and past presidents, and everyone was in different uniforms, and we were all trying to come together to shoot this one scene. When I saw Jolie, my first thought was, ‘Well, she’s definitely not ugly.’ ”

The $8 an hour Mr. Calabretta earned as a nonunion extra — more recently, he was on the set of the CW’s “Gossip Girl” — will not cover the $1,750-per-month rent on his Upper East Side apartment, but he hopes the money he saved during three and a half years in finance will last until he finds a similar job.

“I’ve gotten a few paychecks as an extra, but I haven’t even looked at them yet,” Mr. Calabretta said. “My intention is to get back into finance, and in the interim, I’m going to keep doing these fun little side jobs.”

Managers at casting agencies around New York said they were seeing increasing numbers of people like Mr. Calabretta who have little experience in, or even aspirations for, acting, but are filling hours they used to spend at office jobs with gigs as extra, also called background, talent.

At Extra Talent Agency, a Manhattan firm that casts extras for commercials, television shows and documentary films, the actor database swelled to 9,680 in March from 6,850 in December. Fleet Emerson, assistant casting director at Sylvia Fay/Lee Genick and Associates Casting, has seen correspondence from aspiring extras triple over the past several months, something he called “quite a phenomenon.” And Grant Wilfley Casting, also in Manhattan, had open calls for new background talent in February and March that yielded 1,500 and 1,300 people, respectively.

*Location Scout: Old Tucson.

There was always something about “one eight-hundred M-A-T-T-R-E-S” that made you ponder what exactly the last “S” stood for and which also made you sort of forget to actually call in the end:

Once a major borough success story, Long Island City’s 1-800 Mattress has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, according to papers filed with the federal bankruptcy court.

Dial-a-Mattress Operating Corporation, which operates 1-800 Mattress, filed for bankruptcy on March 17. The company, which has its headquarters in Long Island City, was founded more than 30 years ago in Jamaica by Ecuadorian native Napoleon Barragan. On March 23, Dial-a-Mattress International Ltd. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, according to papers filed with the federal bankruptcy court.

At least we now know that the company wasn’t also behind the bed bug problem, too, like people have speculated in the past about other businesses.

You know things are bad with our bailed-out economy when the proposed new financial center of the world no longer feels “free”:

The Port Authority is taking the “Freedom” out of the Freedom Tower.

Although the 1,776-foot tower hasn’t been fully built, funded or leased — and won’t be occupied until 2014 — the agency decreed Thursday it will no longer be called the Freedom Tower. It will simply be known as 1 World Trade Center.

“As we market the building, we will ensure that it is presented in the best possible way — and 1 World Trade Center is the address that we’re using,” said PA Chairman Anthony Coscia.

“It’s the one that is easiest for people to identify with — and frankly, we’ve gotten a very interested and warm reception to it.”

The name change for the 102-story, $3.1 billion skyscraper, unveiled after a PA board meeting, drew a sharp rebuke from former Gov. George Pataki, whose April 24, 2003, speech gave the building its brand.

“The Freedom Tower is not simply another piece of real estate and not just a name for marketing purposes,” Pataki said.

“In design and name, it is symbolic of our commitment to rise above the attacks of Sept. 11. Where 1 and 2 World Trade Center once stood, there will be a memorial with two voids to honor the heroes we lost — and, in my view, those addresses should never be used again.”

I guess Popeye meant that he is something along the lines of the healthy spinach he mainlined but fuck if I understand what it means when the mayor says he is what he is. I suppose that’s considered “tough” or something?

Those counterfeit goods they’re buying on Canal Street may be making them immoral:

“The effect on morality, people don’t anticipate,” said Prof. Dan Ariely, the author of “Predictably Irrational,” who conducted the studies. “We asked them if wearing fakes would get people to cheat more, they didn’t think it has an effect.”

. . .

In one of his studies, half of the 250 subjects were told that the designer glasses they were wearing were “real,” while the other half were told they were wearing “counterfeits.” They were told to do a number of tasks that seemed to be related to the glasses, like evaluating scenery. But tucked into the sequence was a math test. Researchers found that 60 percent of those who were wearing “counterfeit” glasses cheated, while only 20 percent of those wearing “real” glasses cheated.

Location Scout: Counterfeit Triangle.

But who are we to judge if this somehow saves us all from Great Depression II:

Marlo Saab bought a $555,000, two-family home in Queens three years ago — no money down.

Now, teetering on the brink of defaulting on his mortgage, Saab is looking to President Obama’s plan for struggling homeowners to help him hold on to his house.

“I think that his plan gives us hope,” said Saab, 40, a computer technician. “I just want a little help not [to] go down the drain.”

When he bought the Jamaica Hills house, Saab got an 80/20 mortgage — splitting his borrowing between two lenders, IndyMac and Countrywide — for a total of $3,400 in monthly payments.

He makes $80,000 a year and says he has a healthy credit rating. The Saabs have rental income and they’ve paid off their car.

However, Saab’s overtime has been slashed. His wife is looking for work. The couple also have renovated their home and spend $10,000 a year to send their two kids to Catholic school.

Saab has racked up $70,000 in credit card bills and borrows from family and friends to make his mortgage. He has never missed a payment, but he’s not sure how much longer that can last.

I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be a “positive” story, too . . .

. . . specifically, Would you chop off your leg for $2.3 million? Like what happened to this guy:

A Brooklyn man whose right leg was ripped off by a train after he drunkenly ended up on a subway track has been awarded $2.3 million by a Manhattan jury.

. . .

His lawyer argued the train’s motorman had time to stop when he caught a glimpse of the man on the tracks from 180 feet away.

“He thought it was garbage,” said lawyer Andrew Smiley.

[The plaintiff] had a sky-high blood-alcohol level of 0.18 and didn’t recall arriving at Union Square, where he was hit by an N train.

“They’re not allowed to hit you just because you’re drunk and on the track,” Smiley said. “That doesn’t give the Transit Authority a free pass.”

. . . it probably means they’re bluffing. Just like you should instantly be skeptical whenever you hear someone introduce something with “To be honest . . .”:

Mayor Bloomberg insists his threat to eliminate 23,000 city jobs unless Albany comes up with extra cash is no bluff.

“We’re not bluffing about anything. We don’t have any extra money,” he said Sunday.

The mayor said Albany should divert a slice of money from the planned federal stimulus plan to support the city schools.

If not, the layoffs could include as many as 14,000 teachers.

“It would be cataclysmic,” Bloomberg said.

The mayor spent the weekend addressing church and synagogue groups, a school principals meeting and two Chinese New Year celebrations.

Bloomberg used the events to push his call for more state aid and also to win support for his own bid for a third term at City Hall.

“It’s a rallying cry for everybody that cares about public education,” Bloomberg said. “What you’ve got to do is call your assembly person, call your state senator, call the governor … say, ‘You just can’t do this. You work for us. You have to come through.’”

“It would appear” that this particular verbal tic is rapidly becoming the most obnoxious schoolmarmish finger-wagging-sounding phrase-crutch in the mayor’s verbal arsenal:

Bloomberg said [that] Sullenberger’s actions will not be forgotten any time soon.

“It would appear the pilot did a masterful job. He walked the plane twice after everyone else got off. A passenger said he was the last one up the aisle and that there was no one behind him,” Bloomberg said. “This pilot did a wonderful job and it would appear that all 155 got out safely.”

Um, it would appear the pilot did a masterful job? How about, “Fuck yeah, the pilot did a masterful job!”? And why bother with the conditional “would” in the first place? Isn’t “it appears that all 155 got out safely” basically the same thing?

Or is there something about the conditional that particularly suits this mayor?

Forgive me if I’m a little skeptical, but the last time I was offered a free brain scan in the mall parking lot, it turned out rather badly:

Free brain screenings will be available in the Staten Island Mall parking lot, New Springville, on weekdays beginning Monday, through Jan. 26.

The screenings, provided by The Road to Early Detection, a project of the Brain Tumor Foundation, will be conducted in the “Bobby Murcer Mobile MRI Unit” — named in honor of the late former New York Yankee, who died last year of brain cancer — on the Richmond Avenue side of the parking lot.

Aren’t we already being environmentally conscious by riding mass transit in the first place? I’d argue yes:

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority is planning a hefty fare increase, but it thinks that some environmentally conscious riders might want to voluntarily pay even more for the privilege of riding on a crowded train or bus.

The authority said on Thursday that it was considering a “green MetroCard” program that would let riders make donations to help pay for making its operations more environmentally sustainable. The program would also apply to commuter rail tickets and E-ZPasses.

The idea was among dozens of proposals in a $1 million report by a commission appointed by the authority to recommend ways to lessen the adverse environmental impact of its operations.

Under the program, whose details are still being developed, riders buying MetroCards or commuter rail tickets at station vending machines could tack on an extra charge in the form of a tax-deductible contribution for green projects, said Ernest Tollerson, the authority’s policy director.

I don’t know that they’ll be missed actually and, to tell the truth, I hadn’t really considered the consequences:

The men who invented the goofy looking, double-zero glasses that have commemorated every New Year’s Eve over the past decade are retiring the specs with the 2009 version.

“It doesn’t look very good for 2010. You wind up with a ‘1′ in front of one of your eyes,” said maker Richard Sclafani.

The Brooklyn native, who lives in Seattle, said his company could create a new mold to craft glasses for next year, but it would cost tens of thousands of dollars.

“There are lots of knockoffs on the market. Business isn’t what it used to be,” Sclafani said.

Sclafani and a pal, Peter Cicero, came up with the New Year’s specs idea over beers in 1990.

“We knew it was a good one. I could picture the people in Times Square wearing them,” he said.

Business boomed, and doubled every year, said Sclafani. The peak year was 2000, when they sold more than half a million pairs of millennium glasses.

What happens when the boss is under house arrest:

Every day, dozens of employees of swindler Bernard Madoff’s firm report to their Midtown offices. They’re still paid — but they do no work.

The phones at Madoff Securities are turned off. The few computers that remain aren’t plugged in.

“It’s pretty bad,” one employee said. “We can’t conduct any business. We basically get there at 9, hang around, and go home at 5. It’s surreal. It’s also scary, because we don’t know what’s going on.

“We’re basically just sitting around and waiting for the call that dismisses us,” he said.

Jeremy Piven is less Ari Gold than that sniveling little T.A. bitch in Old School:

A real-life fish story has resulted in Jeremy Piven’s withdrawal from the current Broadway revival of the David Mamet comedy “Speed-the-Plow.”

Mr. Piven, the actor and “Entourage” star, left the production this week after having previously sought an early release from the play. Mr. Piven’s doctor said he should not continue to perform because he was suffering from elevated levels of mercury, which may have been the result of large amounts of fish in his diet.

Though there’s still a little Ari Gold in there somewhere:

Mr. Piven had asked earlier this month to be released from the show a week or two ahead of its Feb. 22 closing date, saying that he was exhausted, Jeffrey Richards, a producer of “Speed-the-Plow,” said. Later, Mr. Richards said, the show’s schedule was modified so that Mr. Piven would be able to attend the Golden Globe Awards in Los Angeles on Jan. 11.

After making this accommodation, Mr. Richards said, he was informed by Mr. Piven’s representatives that the actor would not return to the show after the Golden Globes. Mr. Piven, he said, had spoken to other actors and managers in an effort to find his own replacement.

“It was rather unusual,” Mr. Richards said. “He was trying to be quote-unquote helpful.”

. . .

At least one person associated with the play seemed less forgiving about Mr. Piven’s departure. Speaking to Daily Variety, Mr. Mamet said, “My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

Maybe at the confirmation hearing some senator will ask what exactly a borough president does:

Adolfo Carrión Jr., the Bronx borough president, is being considered for a senior position in the Obama administration, possibly as secretary of housing and urban development, people involved in the transition said on Saturday.

Mr. Carrión was elected Bronx borough president in 2001 and re-elected in 2005. He is one of several prominent Hispanic officials reportedly under consideration for a cabinet post; Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, who is considered the country’s most influential Hispanic politician, is a contender for secretary of commerce.

Mr. Carrión, 47, met with transition officials last week, but a decision on the selection of a housing secretary is not expected to be made before next month, people involved with the transition said.

Besides Mr. Carrión, the others being considered for housing secretary are believed to be Manny Diaz, the mayor of Miami, and Saul N. Ramirez Jr., the former mayor of Laredo, Tex., who was deputy housing secretary in the Clinton administration.

. . . instead, just where the fuck is all this money coming from? I thought there was a huge fiscal crisis:

The Bloomberg administration is in serious negotiations to buy 10.5 acres of real estate in Coney Island that once appeared unobtainable — a move that would save both Astroland Park and the mayor’s plans to revive the slumping seaside amusement district, The Post has learned.

Developer Joe Sitt is ready to give up his controversial plan to build a $1.5 billion Vegas-style entertainment complex, which the mayor wants no part of, and instead sell all of the beachfront land he’s purchased to the city.

“God willing, we will get this done soon,” said Councilman Domenic Recchia Jr., who convinced both Sitt’s company, Thor Equities, and the city to go to the bargaining table and is helping broker the deal.

While a price is still being negotiated, it is expected that the city would have to shell out $200 million to $250 million for the land, sources close to the negotiations said.

Recchia said the mayor wants the deal done quickly so the city can finally get going on Bloomberg’s 47-acre rezoning plan for Coney Island, which includes building a nine-acre amusement park.

By purchasing Sitt’s land, the city would become owner of 3.1-acre Astroland Park, which is the process of closing because Sitt failed to renew its lease.

Recchia said the mayor “is committed to bringing back Astroland,” at least for next summer.

And take careful note, because it might be the only time I feel like doing this.

It occurred to me that the mayor’s ability to offer ridiculously bold, politically suicidal proposals in the lamest of lame duck years (i.e., the eighth year of an eight-year tenure) is only possible with a viable threat and a City Council that isn’t suffering from senioritis. No third term, no departing 35 members, no “difficult” belt-tightening, right? And Bloomonster actually might be selflessly sacrificing his place in history by falling on the sword to set the city on solid footing for the immediate and long-term future . . .

Or not:

Michael Bloomberg is already coming under criticism from City Council members over the budget cutbacks he proposed.

And according to Democratic consultant Hank Sheinkopf, that criticism will only make Bloomberg…stronger.

“If they attack him, they strengthen his hand,” said Sheinkopf. The presumption among Bloomberg’s critics “is that New Yorkers don’t know the world is collapsing. Trust me, they know. And Bloomberg is going to appear to be the hero if they attack him. ‘I’m protecting you,’ he’ll say.”

Sheinkopf admitted that it’s easier for the mayor, rather than a local City Councilman, to explain the need for such drastic budget cuts.

“The mayor doesn’t have the problem. The City Council does. The mayor sets policy. The Council delivers services and they have to explain it at home. Not easy to do.”

Sheinkopf said that even they, the put-upon Council members, were unlikely to pay the ultimate price for the strains that the city’s austerity measures would put on their constituents. “In 1975, the city went bankrupt. How many people were turned out of office in 1977? None that I remember.”

OK, back to reality . . .

Well that explains it then:

“The public was against changing term limits,” he said, “but at the same time, they had this enormous confidence in the way the city was going. And I just couldn’t understand why the two were not tied together.”