Entries Tagged as 'That's A Hoot!'

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Jersey Trash

Sure he’s a traitor, blah blah, but there’s also something really, really funny about it:

The man who tried to curse the Yankees by burying a Red Sox jersey in the Bombers’ new stadium lives just a short drive from the House that Ruth Built.

The culprit is a mason — born and raised in the Country Club section of southeast Bronx.

“As I stuck it in, I said, ‘The Yankees are done for the next 30 years.’ I only put a 30-year curse because I’m 46 and in 30 years I’ll be dead, and I won’t care if the Yankees win then,” said “Gino,” who spoke from a construction job in Manhattan.

Already, the man’s co-workers defaced his station wagon with Yankee slogans written in shoe polish.

Long a Yankee hater, the turncoat hatched his plan last August after refusing to set foot on the job out of spite.

One summer day, he placed a carefully folded jersey bearing the name and uniform number of David Ortiz, the slugging Red Sox designated hitter known as Big Papi, into the concrete mix being laid along the third base line.

“The reason why is George Steinbrenner told [Yankees GM Brian] Cashman to get Ortiz and Cashman told him, we don’t need him, We have [Jason] Giambi and Nick Johnson,” Gino boasted, referring to a chance the Yanks had to sign Ortiz in 2003.

“Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for All-State Insurance company to make more money,” he ranted. “Every ball thrown, I hope I have the last laugh. Red Sox Nation is alive and well.”

Two witnesses spotted the mason planting the shirt, which he wore to work that day, in the floor of the visitor’s locker room in front of the third-base line — not on the field.

But Gino was coy as to the exact location.

The Steinbrenners “don’t have enough money to [make me] tell you where it actually is,” he said.

The traitor said he’d been rooting for the Red Sox since the days of Jim Rice in the 1970s.

When he buried the jersey, this Benedict Arnold was making $88 an hour to do construction at the treasured site. And he documented the entire sabotage on his cellphone camera.

Thursday, March 13th, 2008

Go Figure

Lottery players either lack originality or have a wicked sense of humor:

State lottery officials closed down betting on 871 because too many New Yorkers were playing the number — the hotel room where pay-for-love-gov Eliot Spitzer romped with a hooker.

Officials retired the number for Tuesday night’s Daily Numbers game after it reached $5 million in sales, lottery spokesman John Charleson said Wednesday.

The lottery cuts off sales to numbers when they reach $5 million in order to limit the state’s payout should the number hit.

The number’s popularity surged after reports that Spitzer trysted with a high-class hooker named “Kristen” in room 871 of the swanky Mayflower Hotel in Washington.

But it turned out to be as unlucky for gamblers as it was for Spitzer: Tuesday evening’s winning number was 662.

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006

Comic Relief . . . Emphasis On Relief

He may not have the kind of experience you would expect from someone who would be representing several hundred thousand constituents in the U.S. Congress, but Chris Owens has a nice sense of humor:

Democratic candidates In today’s four-way congressional primary race stuffed the mailboxes in the final push to succeed retiring Brooklyn Rep. Major Owens.

. . .

Chris Owens, the incumbent’s son, whose campaign hasn’t sparked as much enthusiasm as his rivals’, also sent out some mail over the weekend.

One even said, “No, this is not another mailing from David Yassky. It is your only piece of mail from Chris Owens.”

I declare the campaign is over: Close Race; Score One For Opportunism; The Post Oppo Research Machine Chugs Along; See, The Thing Is Was, Senior Year Was Just Such A Blur For Me . . .; Excitement!; Well, That’s A Relief!; Pay To Campaign!; Recipe For Hitting The Front Page Of The Sunday Times: Just Add Sharpton; You Know You’ve Jumped The Shark When . . .; Unite To Stop White Individuals!; The Sad Thing Is That It Was Probably A Carefully Crafted Statement; How Do We Put This? Let’s Just Say Identity Politics Still Exists . . .; Barack Obama: Some Guy They Stuck In There; Nothing Against Your Policies, It’s Just The Color Of Your Skin.

Monday, August 28th, 2006

Not Only Is It Still A Hole In The Ground But Giuliani Is (Still) Racist!

Someone like Bill Maher should hurry up and book Charles Barron before he ever comes to his senses. Today, the councilmember defends New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin even as Nagin steps back from his Ground-Zero-is-a-five-year-old-hole statement:

Criticism surrounding comments by New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin about rebuilding at Ground Zero is a “racist double standard,” according to City Councilman Charles Barron, who took aim at Mayor Michael Bloomberg and former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani yesterday.

“One year later, they have the unmitigated gall to tell [Nagin], ‘How come it wasn’t fixed up?’,” Barron, D-Brooklyn, said during an unrelated City Hall press conference. “Here you have two white mayors in New York City — one a racist, Giuliani, and the other a billionaire, Michael Bloomberg — and five years later they still haven’t built up downtown Manhattan after 9/11 and they got the nerve to ask him about one year after Katrina.”

In an interview scheduled to air last night on “60 Minutes,” Nagin deflected criticism about reconstruction delays in New Orleans by pointing to Ground Zero.

“You guys in New York City can’t get a hole in the ground fixed, and it’s five years later,” Nagin said. “So let’s be fair.”

Yesterday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Nagin backed away from that comment: “I wish I would have basically said that it was an undeveloped site, which it is.”

. . .

Barron, meanwhile, said he supported Nagin 100 percent.

“Giuliani put a little mask on his face so he didn’t get dust in his mouth and nose and he was called ‘America’s Mayor,’” the councilman said. “Five years later, the place isn’t even built. They didn’t criticize Bloomberg, they didn’t criticize Giuliani. Ain’t no maybe, they didn’t do it to the white mayors.”

Voters of the 10th Congressional District, please send Barron to Congress — HBO needs you!

Previously on “Charles Barron Says The Darnedest Things”: Barack Obama: Some Guy They Stuck In There and “It’s probably healthier on the plantation”.

Friday, June 16th, 2006

I Don’t Mind That The Newsroom Resembles One Big Pony Gangbang, But Sharing A Saddle — I’m Just Not Down With That

From an article in today’s Times about turmoil at the Village Voice (brand new editor Erik Wemple has resigned), the most disturbingly convoluted metaphor of the week:

In a statement, Michael Lacey, executive editor of Village Voice Media, said: “Erik’s concerns are not unreasonable. The Voice is an enormous and complex horse race. We asked Erik to mount several ponies mid-stride, and he was alarmed to find us still in several of those saddles.”

What the hell is he talking about?

Monday, June 5th, 2006

He’s A Wild And Crazy Guy!

A Long Island man who was late for his . . . ah, just let the Post pick up this wild and crazy tale:

[Roman Walkowiak's] American adventure began Wednesday morning.

He was scheduled to take his citizenship test at 8 a.m. at the Brooklyn federal courthouse.

After circling the block for more than an hour, he parked illegally on the plaza behind Borough Hall, figuring he’d rather chance the ticket than miss his appointment.

After walking out of the courthouse proudly holding his citizenship certificate, Walkowiak was greeted with a rare gift from the NYPD: a ticketless car.

But then things began to go wrong.

Instead of backing onto Court Street the way he’d come, Walkowiak, for whatever reason, decided to drive through the plaza, directly to Adams Street.

Frightened passers-by ran screaming as the red Volkswagen made its way through the crowd.

In the confusion, Walkowiak somehow missed the fact that he was headed straight for a set of about seven stairs.

When his car suddenly lurched down the first step, he just kept going. Until his car bottomed out and refused to budge.

Exhibiting the never-say-die American spirit, he didn’t give up. As shocked onlookers watched, Walkowiak flipped his car into reverse and tried to back up the steps.

The maneuver only managed to wedge the car more firmly into place.

Nearby court officers quickly pulled Walkowiak from his car and demanded to know if he was drunk.

“No, but I’m on my way to get drunk because I just became a U.S. citizen!” he said.

The officers slapped a pair of handcuffs on Walkowiak, a divorced father of a son, and dragged him right back to the courthouse.

The officers called cops, who charged him on the spot with disorderly conduct, issued a desk appearance ticket with a $300 fine, and let him go.

“I was very happy to become a citizen,” he said. “And then all sorts of crazy stuff happened.”

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

I Can’t Be The Only One Who Thinks That Having A Disputed Wikipedia Entry Would Be The Coolest Thing Ever

Or, when a labor dispute jumps the shark:

Internet users who support the Graduate Student Organizing Committee have been making their views known on the free, nonprofit online encyclopedia that allows visitors to edit articles. Many users — either identified by user name or IP address — have repeatedly edited the biographical article about NYU President John Sexton, whose administration has been at odds with the striking graduate students.

More than 100 total edits have been made to the article, including edits with one-sided accounts of the labor conflict as well as direct attacks on Sexton.

. . .

The edits on Wikipedia, which allow visitors to view the editing history and compare past revisions of a given article, were first made in July and appeared more frequently after GSOC began striking on Nov. 9. Since then, several other hostile edits have been made by unnamed users, including one in October that referred to Sexton’s trademark hugs as “obnoxiously patronizing and demagogic.”

Friday, February 10th, 2006

Freaky Filthy Fortunes Foisted On Festivites

Just remember, when naughty fortune cookies are found edible underwear soon follows until eventually your life resembles one big novelty chainstore:

Guests at a Chinese New Year event hosted by Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz got an eyeful after cracking open fortune cookies with messages more likely penned by Bob Guccione than Confucius.

“Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad — triple-X,” said an embarrassed Markowitz of the 350 bawdy cookies that somehow got mixed in with otherwise G-rated Brooklyn-boosting slogans Tuesday night.

Fortunes like “One good [expletive] deserves another” and other sexually explicit phrases turned the Year of Dog celebration at the Ming Gee restaurant into a blushfest.

Although fortune cookie company Dai Hing Lee Corp. successfully delivered about 1,400 cookies with sayings like “Brooklyn: In your face and in your heart,” many of the 700 guests saw the dirty cookies, too.

Ming Gee owner Larance Yeung apologized for the error, which employees of the Sunset Park restaurant blamed on the fortune cookie company next-door.