Annotated Twitter: Proving Yet Again How Essential Sleep Is To The Healthy Function Of The Human Brain

May 1, 2015


Actually kind of scary: I turned on the stove, like I was making breakfast. This was the month of lack of sleep.

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May 3, 2015


Seriously, it went "NY! CFC!"

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May 5, 2015


It's "Alexa" and I don't understand how the ads for it running today — that says its name out loud — don't, uh, turn it on from the TV. (Jeez, what if it did do this, Manchurian Candidate style, and wreaked havoc remotely?)


Everything is worth a shot.

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May 6, 2015


I can't find a clip online; it was brilliant. Self-reflective note: example of exhibiting weakness of creative mind/facile adherence to rules.


Came across this in my day job and it was very funny to me, assuming a lot less funny to Chicagoans.

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May 7, 2015


"Urchin" is in the eye of the beholder.

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May 8, 2015


You think your child is brilliant, until they're not.

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May 9, 2015


Just got done complaining about Obama's "middle-class economics," and got to thinking.

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May 11, 2015


Man, I wish I could remember what this meant. Pretty sure it had something to do with something on TV on Sunday night but I have no clue what.

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May 12, 2015

Again, no clue. [Googling historic weather stats] Oh, right: it was going to be 87 that day.

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May 13, 2015

For the longest time, I was convinced that those solar power calls were people trying to get you to switch energy providers. I finally looked up spoofed caller ID numbers and felt embarrassed for hollering at these people.

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May 15, 2015

After a while, every commercial starts looking like a Cialis ad.

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May 16, 2015

LOVE that they offer this feature but also assume that these are the trending Urban Dictionary topics like all the time; had to look up "bye felicia" and "cheeky nandos." Definitely did not have to look up "sex." Have a pretty good handle on the rest.

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May 17, 2015


The big question was why I was using Yahoo — must have been upset at Google right then or something.

Yup, it's still the case: Google Images gets it right while Yahoo images mixes in lord-knows-what-the-fuck, though this image (it's a barbecue image, believe it or not) treads a fine line.


Sounded brilliant at the time, I'm sure.


Series finales are always disappointing, except for Friday Night Lights.


Mad Men, the hill, Don Draper's slick fucking mug, then Bam!:

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May 18, 2015


Object lesson in why 140-character limits are LAME ("wld"? "wch"?). This was Ernest Hemingway talking about Beryl Markham's West With the Night and apologizing, I think, for (lack of a better concept) defemininizing her persona in the book.


Let's see, let me guess, a muggy early spring day? . . . [checking] . . . yup.

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May 20, 2015


Forget what was happening exactly, but it occurred to me at some point how badly timed some pitch emails are.


Oh, I see — this comes 20 minutes later . . . overworked, overtired.

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May 21, 2015

No clue how it happened, but it cooked so fast, then all of the sudden the Googlebots know you're how shitty a pitmaster you are.


Sometimes baseball highlights are so fucking boring. Sorry.


I blame my son for this, not the artist, or even the music service. But really, I blame myself mostly.

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May 29, 2015


Not my joke, but it came from this household.

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May 31, 2015


Is it just me, or is good asparagus always described as "beautiful"? I don't know if it's just an exuberance about things that happen in spring or if it perhaps reveals something deep-seated about our relationship with flowering vegetables or what, but it sort of reminds me of how critiques are often withering and onslaughts are almost always veritable.

Posted: October 31st, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: ,

Annotated Twitter: Concave Annoyance Or Rigid Act Of Uselessness

April 5, 2015

The PR-Industrial Complex hard at work to kill what's left of your barely smoldering Saturday night buzz.

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April 7, 2015

I would have thought it'd have an "e" at the end, but no matter.

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April 14, 2015

Spatula or scraper? That concave annoyance or rigid act of uselessness?

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April 16, 2015

And, look, let's be frank — it's not just one but rather all of them.

Perhaps you've experienced "top-notch pizza," "top-notch cocktails," or even "top-notch bowling." My friends, notches topped in defense of freedom are no vice.

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April 17, 2015

MLB Extra Innings + HBOGO = uh, this.

And then we get prickly about Twitterrific "top-[blank]" lists . . .

April 18, 2015

Have you ever — ever — in all your years of reading, understood what monumental onslaught of transcendent brilliance an epigraph was meant to impart on your to-be-determined reading experience? I feel guilty about skipping them, then try to sit there and divine some sort of goddamn meaning only to quickly give up and start a book without ever thinking about the epigraph ever again. At best, epigraphs are a masturbatory exercise on the part of the writer to "prove" that he or she, I don't know, maybe makes use of those vestigial college paperbacks still cluttering bookshelves? There is no "at worst" because epigraphs are already "at worst." In short, feel free to gratuitously ponder over your precious epigraph, because America does not give a fuck. Honestly, I don't remember what book it was that set me over the edge.

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April 19, 2015

Fucking clickbait.

First, you have to assume the worst about artists who mine personal tragedy for creative purposes. Then you have to visit the local supermarket first thing on a Sunday morning in order to take a child out of a situation in which he might (did) potentially wake up his suitemate/sibling by GETTING UP SO FUCKING EARLY IN THE MORNING. They had "Tears in Heaven" on the sound system. Heh.

I'm assuming Jane Jacobs had this in mind when she wrote "The ballet of the good city sidewalk never repeats itself from place to place, and in any once place is always replete with new improvisations."

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April 22, 2015

People everywhere love "double meanings," when in reality they're lazy, facile and intellectually moronic. And of course I cannot stop whittling away at them to craft the best, most annoying ones of all time.

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April 27, 2015

My sense was, yes, yes, of course they were.

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April 29, 2015

In other words, picking up the pivot foot to pay fleeting attention to the early rounds of the NBA playoffs:

The Spurs intentionally fouled Jordan three times late in the first half, resuming the divisive strategy that even Popovich claims he uses reluctantly. Jordan, a dismal free-throw shooter, missed four of six before Rivers pulled him out. San Antonio committed five more intentional fouls against Jordan in the third quarter before Rivers pulled him again. He finished 7 for 16 at the line.

Posted: October 8th, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,

Annotated Twitter: Gluten-Free Since Before The Advent Of Rob Lowe

March 12, 2015


You know, come to think of it, now that we finally got FiOS, I don't think I've seen a Rob Lowe DirecTV ad. Which, if true, is strange: I don't really need to be pitched DirecTV if we already have DirecTV, right? Or did they just trade him for that horse lady who apparently dates Derek Jeter? Oh, that's probably it. [Googling] Ah, yes, they did retire Rob Lowe. I've officially spent way too much time pondering this.

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In other words, "Fender unto Caesar."

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Mr. Baby, Too's first tweet; fortunately the ability to swipe and sync up a Twitter account is not something the pediatrician concerns himself with.

March 14, 2015


The power of talking to your baby.

March 19, 2015


As someone who feels squeamish at the sight of too many "Ks" maybe I'm the wrong audience, but I would have thought that a pre-K program would be more attuned to conventional spelling.

March 20, 2015


Those who claim a mandate are usually overcompensating for something.

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One night I happened to notice that bit of information on the back cover. Weird.

March 24, 2015


I see you smirking.

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Of course I eventually broke down and figured out how to make the site "friendly"; looks like shit sometimes, but whatever the fuck ever.

March 26, 2015


In other words, three full days of griping.

March 29, 2015


Alright, Cecil Adams style, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. By way of background, I started by dutifully trying to collapse a box of laundry detergent, in order to recycle it, because that's the kind of law-abider I am. The dregs of the laundry detergent of course got everywhere, and since Mr. Baby, Too has a real penchant for white powder he discovers on the floor, I took a look at the box and found that gluten-free label. Raised eyebrows ensued. So apparently certain gluten sensitivities (not celiac, which is actually eating gluten) may be exacerbated by stuff with gluten.

Posted: June 3rd, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , ,