Annotated Twitter: Move Closer To Your Walkup Music

July 3, 2015

700 KB. Imagine that. That line was from "How an Artist Fell Into a Profitable Online Card Business", a Wall Street Journal article from 2004 about Jacquie Lawson's email card empire.

Most of the time I remember what I meant by something. Not this time.

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July 6, 2015

Incidentally, I saw this commercial for the 800,001st time just the other night and thought to google them; this place, as you may or may not expect from its ubiquitous TV presence, is supergoddamn expensive, like $60,000 a month expensive.

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July 7, 2015

If I were to write a novel, I'd be very tempted to add a character named "eHow," who embodied attributes including but not limited to earnestness, obviousness, guilelessness and hustle.

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July 9, 2015

I have a feeling this is related to some kind of Hotmail spam, though I'm not totally certain.

I have a soft spot for non-traditional walkup music. Speaking of which, I have some suggestions for up-and-coming sluggers.

Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song," with a soaring bird-like Robert Plant vocal at 0:07, is really underappreciated:

Roger Miller's "Dang Me" is hot, though probably too close to home for a lot of big leaguers:

Dinosaur Jr.'s "Little Fury Things" swings for the fences in those first 30 seconds:

Similarly, Sonic Youth's "Death Valley '69":

Minutemen's "Joe McCarthy's Ghost" is unassailable:

Respectfully, I think Paula Abdul's "Promise of a New Day" works:

Lightnin' Hopkins' "Bring Me My Shotgun," because until about 0:45, it definitely works:

ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" would be relevatory, especially in a pinch hitting situation:

Joy Division's "Disorder," because nothing strikes fear into an opposing pitcher like the cold, distant opening notes of Unknown Pleasures:

And finally, the Volcano Suns' "White Elephant," which, no joke, would seriously be the most brilliant walkup music in the history of walkup music:

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July 14, 2015

Not complaining or anything, but part of me is waiting with bated breath for something new and wonderful.

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July 15, 2015

And of course, as usual, Charlie Hustle gets the short end of the stick. Clearly those Skecher ads were a little too flippant:

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July 16, 2015

Do it and it will, never, ever cease to be hilarious.

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July 20, 2015

Actually, it makes sense: it's the place Cain was exiled to after murdering Abel, a land of whimsy and bedding.

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July 21, 2015

Olympic swimminer Michael Phelps gives a sick sixteen-year-old the day of a lifetime.

I'm sure we've been reading the wrong books.

It's like "Ooh, the dark, I'm sooo scared of the dark; boo hoo . . ."

An innocent query.

The kicker.

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July 22, 2015

WWE wrestler John Cena gives a sick seven-year-old the day of a lifetime.

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July 23, 2015

Major League Baseball star Andrew McCutchen gives a sick ten-year-old the day of a lifetime.

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July 24, 2015

WNBA star Maya Moore gives a sick 14-year-old the day of a lifetime.

Seriously, how on top of it is that?

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July 27, 2015

Like with most good shellfish, afterward it mostly felt like you somehow got away with one.

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July 28, 2015

Baby's first tweet.

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July 31, 2015

So bombastic, so timeless:

And apparently it used to mean "news".

Posted: December 23rd, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,