The World Is Tense . . . And There Is Much Shopping To Do

The Daily News’ “Gridlock” Sam Schwartz develops a novel indicator by which to measure geopolitical events:

New Yorkers should brace for especially thick and thorny gridlock this week as President Bush and scores of international bigwigs jet into town for the UN General Assembly meeting.

Starting today, the NYPD will close streets throughout the city, particularly around midtown on the East Side, where jams are almost guaranteed.

. . .

The city is accustomed to the annual traffic nightmare that accompanies the start of UN General Assembly each September.

But Daily News traffic columnist “Gridlock” Sam Schwartz predicts this year will be worse than usual because the President is in town for three full days. Leaders from Iraq and Iran also will be on hand, and security is sure to be tighter than ever.

. . .

“It’s an extraordinary confluence of world leaders at a very tense time,” Schwartz said. “And the tenser the world is, the worse the gridlock is in New York.”

But then there’s also this, which should remind you of that great SNL skit from 2003*:

Scads of security details and motorcades accompanying the visiting officials — who are known to enjoy double-parking while shopping on Fifth Ave. — are also expected to add to the week’s traffic woes.

*An excerpt:

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: My government has a proposal. Instead of going in other delegates’ stretch limosines, I suggest that each of us, and each of our guests, go in his own stretch limosine. It will waste more money, and will enable us to tie up midtown traffic more effectively. I yield to the delegate from the Russian federation.

[ cut to Russian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate: I propose that, when we’re inside having lunch, we double-park our stretch limosines outside. Also, that we leave the engines running, since the U.N. is paying for the gas.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Does the delegate from Chile wish to comment?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But if we double-park our limosines outside the restaurant, won’t our stretch limosines be ticketed?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Is the delegate from Chile joking?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: Of course I’m joking!