This Man Knows Not How To Use Cell Phones!

A Manhattan judge overturns David Lemus’ conviction in the murder case of a Palladium bouncer killed in 1990 and the Times marvels about the specimen as he is released from captivity — “Free After 14 Years, and Learning to Use a Cell”:

In some ways, Mr. Lemus seemed like Rip Van Winkle. It was as if Mr. Lemus had been asleep for 14 years while the world moved on.

As he and his lawyers walked away from the courthouse, the lawyers handed him cellphones to talk to friends, and Mr. Lemus seemed to not know how to use them.

Thank Heaven!

Upper East Siders (Yorkvillians?) are upset about 7-Eleven opening up on their block:

Residents of one Upper East Side block worry their peaceful existence is about to drown in the icy waters of the Slurpee.

The convenience-store chain 7-Eleven is opening an outlet Nov. 7 at the corner of East 84th Street and York Avenue.

And some neighbors are predicting nothing less than catastrophe.

A flier posted yesterday on the Web site curbed.com foretells the demise of the neighborhood via “rowdiness, serious beer drinkers, taxis on breaks and other undesirable” elements.

The 24-hour store will cause litter, attract rats, and attract drunks looking for beer, neighbors worry.

“I’ve never had a Slurpee, but I can see those Slurpee containers in the street,” fumed Judith Cutler, who lives on York Avenue. “I’m concerned about the transients . . . [in] the neighborhood.”

People, my god! We’re not talking about a Wal-Mart here! And who among us has not sampled Slurpee? Shame on you . . .

Bonus: That Curbed post.

It’s Not A Sandwich, It’s A . . . A Big, Disgusting Sandwich!

Unintended consequences: Carnegie Deli sandwiches proved excessive by a team of sumo wrestlers — some over 600 pounds:

At only 245 pounds, Levan Altunashvilli was the lightest of the 14 men who clambered off a minivan at the Carnegie Deli in Midtown yesterday and was served a Woody Allen.

For the record, a Woody Allen is an enormous pastrami and corned beef sandwich on rye bread that was named for someone who weighs a little more than half of what Mr. Altunashvilli weighs and who is pretty much the physical opposite of what Mr. Altunashvilli is: a sumo wrestler.

But the Woody Allen, with two pounds of meat, was too much lunch for Mr. Altunashvilli. “I eat like everybody,” he said between bites, “only I eat four or five times a day.”

With 14 sumo wrestlers together at lunch, there were biceps that jiggled and stomachs that flopped over waistbands. There was even shirt removal – Oni pa’a Imua Pa’a’aina, who is from Hawaii and weighs 450 pounds, stripped to the waist. Anything to keep from spilling ketchup on a white sweatshirt.

Yes, Virginia! Not all sumo wrestlers indulge in two pounds of cold cuts at one time:

The wrestlers said they did not mind being the center of a spectacle as they signed napkins for autograph-seekers who had never heard of them. “It’s marketing,” said Hans Borg, 324 pounds, from Norway. “It’s good for the sport.”

This was after he had pushed himself away from the table, saying, “Can’t finish. An athlete can’t eat this much pork meat.”

. . .

Ronny Allman, who weighs 286 pounds and is from Norway, had a more varied lunch in mind: “A couple of eggs, three or four slices of bread, a little meat.” He said he puts away 10,000 calories a day, in installments.

“We like food,” he said. But putting down his knife and fork and leaving about half of his Woody Allen behind, he said, “This is too much to eat at one time. You’d get sick.”

MTA Blue-Light Special

Instead of rolling back fares during the holiday season why doesn’t the MTA use their nearly $1 billion surplus to put off inevitable fare hikes? Well what’s this about? The Daily News explains:

Happy Holidays, New York – from the MTA.

The agency wants to use part of its huge expected surplus to hand out unprecedented holiday season discounts to riders – including $1 weekend fares on city buses and subways from Thanksgiving through December, the Daily News has learned.

The goodies, detailed in a memo sent yesterday by MTA Executive Director Katherine Lapp to Chairman Peter Kalikow, drew cheers from straphangers, who have been whacked with two fare hikes since 2003.

“This would definitely help me out,” said Adriana Kowaliw, 22, of Manhattan, a recent college graduate who works in banking. “It would be a nice treat for New Yorkers.”

A nice treat? A nice treat?! Can’t you think of other things that would be nicer treats? Like, say, no more weekend service disruptions? Or twenty feet of a Second Avenue line? Or what about a fully functional G train? Just asking!

That Whole Sharing Classified Intelligence Thing

Gentlemen, it’s not a freakin’ Scruples question (“Your security clearance allows you access to intelligence detailing a terrorist attack on the city in which your son lives . . .”)! The federal employees who E-mailed everyone they knew in the New York metropolitan area warning them not to ride the subways last week have been stripped of their security clearance:

Two federal employees have been stripped of their security clearance for allegedly tipping friends and family to the New York City subway terror threat, sources said yesterday.

William Ross, a retired U.S. Coast Guard captain now working for the Department of Homeland Security’s Transportation Safety Administration, was being questioned for allegedly alerting his son of a possible terror attack – three days before Mayor Bloomberg and the FBI went public with the warning, sources said yesterday.

“As some of you know my father works for Homeland Security, at a very high position and receives security briefings on a daily basis,” his son, Nick Seligson-Ross, who runs a dance troupe, wrote in an Oct. 3 E-mail – one of two electronic messages sent out to big shots in the city’s arts and business communities.

“The only information that I can pass on is that everyone should at all costs not ride the subways for the next two weeks,” the E-mail warned some New Yorkers before Bloomberg was fully briefed on the threat.

. . .

The second tipster, who has high-level security access, has been transferred to a division that does not deal with sensitive information as the investigation continues, sources said.

The tipster’s information allegedly found its way into an E-mail sent out by production company owner Tony Micocci Oct. 5.

“I have just received a most disturbing call from one of my oldest friends … who, by dint of his position, has access to the highest level of intelligence traffic,” Micocci wrote. “He called with a very specific caution to not enter the New York City subway system from Oct. 7-Oct. 10.”

That E-mail circulated in the New York arts and business community a day before the public was notified of the threat.