Fuckin’ Tourists

What he should have done was sold them low-quality schwag and then had them arrested:

Two thugs from North Carolina were arrested for viciously beating and slashing an elderly homeless man while trying to score pot in Washington Square Park, authorities said yesterday.

Scott Berry, 24, and Adam Mashburn, 22, both of Charlotte, asked Al Latimer, 71, for marijuana at about 5 p.m. on April 4, sources said. When Latimer said he had none, they beat him and cut his scalp with a razor blade, the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office said.

You Can’t Just Market Your Way Into Being Sixth Borough . . . It’s Neither Brand Nor Viral Campaign

Philadelphians certainly can’t complain now about all the New Yorkers driving up prices in Northern Liberties:

With an eye on disgruntled New York artists pinched by rising rents, Philadelphia is using a new advertising campaign in an effort to lure the so-called creative class crowd to help the city rebound.

The tactic is a common one for cities seeking revitalization, as 20-something artists tend to spur investment in industrial, dormant, or tawdry neighborhoods. In New York, this has been the story of SoHo, followed by Williamsburg, Greenpoint, and now Astoria and Bushwick, where neighborhood vitality follows the hipsters, as do the higher rents that eventually push them out.

The city of brotherly love is seemingly bidding to add its name to that list, showboating its proximity to New York and relatively inexpensive cost of living.

The ads take the form of posters and inserts in an alternative weekly newspaper that direct people to uwishunu.com, a Web log run by the city ‘s tourism agency that focuses on nightlife and Philadelphia’s artistic scene.

Have some fuckin’ self-respect, why don’t you?

Now I Wanna Be Your Sister Souljah

Is the mayor running for President or something? Here he is channeling Rod Paige:

Bolstered by a vote of confidence from 100 civic leaders, Mayor Bloomberg yesterday took aim at what he called “special interests” trying to derail his education reforms, and compared the tactics of the teachers union to those of gun lobbyists.

In doing so, the mayor borrowed a page from President Bush’s tough-talk play book against terrorism and gave his critics a stark choice: “You’re either with our children, or against our children.”

And then there’s the ultimate McCain-Feingold work-around — a sort of 501(c)(3) PAC*:

Among the leaders to join the mayor were many whose organizations have contracts with the school system or have benefited from his personal philanthropic largess, including the Haitian Centers Council, 100 Black Men of New York and the Bronx Council on the Arts.

Bloomberg angrily objected to questions about his ties to his supporters, calling them “people who are dedicating their lives to trying to help this city and make it better.”

*Bloomberg poops more than Mitt Romney will ever make, no matter how much they tithe; if you want his support, fund his favorite charity.

Those Poor, Dumb Strays

Who cares like not at all about the $1 billion it will take to build a proposed new police academy? City Island residents:

At the door of his waterfront home on City Island in the Bronx yesterday, Ken Binder said one word when he learned that the police firing range, just across Eastchester Bay, was slated to close.

“Soon?” he asked eagerly.

Well, not exactly. The range is moving to a police compound in the College Point section of Queens that will not be built for several years.

Still, Mr. Binder, a retired interior designer, was ready to begin celebrating the range’s demise.

“I would get down on my hands and knees and kiss the feet of whoever would take it away,” he said, his words punctuated by a volley of deep pops echoing from across the water.

Since 1959, the New York Police Department has used the peninsula in Pelham Bay Park known as Rodman’s Neck for all manner of ballistic and ordnance-related exercises — target practice, training maneuvers, blowing up of unwanted explosives.

And for just about as long, the residents of City Island, a sort of seafarer’s Mayberry largely isolated from the annoyances of big-city life, have cursed the daylong barrage of booms and rat-a-tats. (Except for the detonation of confiscated fireworks around the Fourth of July. “That’s kind of fun,” Mr. Binder said.)

Then again, there are some who seem to be suffering a sort of Stockholm Syndrome:

“For business, it’s bad,” said the woman at the cash register of the City Island Diner, who would not give her name. “We’ll miss them. The cops are good guys, and they come from all over the place.” As for the noise, she said: “It’s like living next to the subway. You get used to it.”

Up the street at JGL Wines and Liquors, the news seemed to disturb the very order of things.

“Holy mackerel!” said the proprietor, who would not give his name.

His friend Yolanda Cirulli, who had fixed him a lunch of penne aglio e olio, did not know what to think. First Ms. Cirulli, a member of the City Island Civic Association, declared victory, recalling her years of battling the noise. But then she thought of the cats and dogs who live on the firing range and whom she cares for.

“There are at least 25 cats there,” she said, “and those policemen, they love the cats. They treat them very well. What’s going to happen to them?”

JGL’s proprietor added: “Let me tell you another bad thing. When there’s trouble here, the cops are here, instantly. And tons of guys. Last year a guy crashed his motorcycle on the corner. In five minutes, there must have been 50 cops.”

Location Scout: City Island.

The Driver On The Bus Goes Croon, Croon, Croon

I suppose being the singing bus driver is not such a big deal what with naked cowboys and all, but still you have to wonder what riders thought the first time he tried doing it:

Queens bus driver Gerald Seabrooks likes to make his passengers feel right at home, serenading them on their birthdays, anniversaries and announcing stops on his Flushing-to-Bayside runs.

In his seven years as an MTA bus operator, he has won over 30 commendations for his safe driving record and commitment to customer service. But what sets him apart from his fellow drivers is his singing. “I sing to help my passengers feel comfortable,” he said, as he drove a Q13 bus last Saturday afternoon.

. . .

As his bus approached the corner of Northern and Parsons Boulevards, Seabrooks reached for the black phone hanging near the fare box and crooned in his smooth baritone over the public address system: “Parsons Boulevard. Parsons Boulevard. Parsons Boulevard.”

He sang happy birthday at regular intervals along his route as well. “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear March. Happy birthday to you.”

To soothe short-tempered feelings or arguments, Seabrooks says that he has used a popular Burt Bacharach/Hal David song made famous by Dionne Warwick. “What the world needs now is love, sweet love,” he sang. “It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.”

And (of course!) there are CDs to sell:

Support from his passengers also inspired Seabrooks to produce his own collection of music. “It gave me the courage to put my voice on a CD,” he said. Seabrooks produces his own music, where it is available for sale through the Web site www.cdbaby.com.