What, Is He Trying To Stay A Feature On Weekend Update Or Something?

This is cool. I can think of a bunch of other cool shit to tax, too:

The Paterson administration, working to close the largest deficit in state history, unveiled an austerity budget on Tuesday that would include 137 new or increased taxes and fees, loosened restrictions on gambling and $9 billion worth of spending cuts.

. . .

The governor, addressing the Legislature, acknowledged that getting lawmakers to pass his budget would not be easy.

“The other day somebody threw a pair of shoes at President Bush,” he said. “At the end of this budget presentation, if that’s the most severe punishment I get, I’ll sign for it now.”

. . .

While there were no broad-based income tax increases, there were all manner of new taxes, fees, fines or other assessments, expected to raise $4 billion next year.

The tax proposals are likely to touch almost every New Yorker in some way. The most notable new tax is an 18 percent levy on sugary soft drinks. But many other existing taxes would increase. The tax on car rentals would rise to 6 percent from 5 percent. Taxes on beer and wine would more than double. Taxes on gasoline, cable and satellite TV service, cigars and flavored malt beverages would also go up. And the cost of owning and operating a car would rise significantly, with 16 fee increases. The governor also proposed allowing wine sales in grocery stores and drug stores, which is expected to raise $105 million in the next fiscal year, mostly through licensing fees.

Taxes include downloaded music (“Downloads were exempt from the state sales tax because, unlike CDs and DVDs, they are not tangible goods. But under the current budget proposal, a 99-cent song on iTunes will now cost $1.07.”), sugary drinks, cigars and just about everything else you can think of:

The Draconian plan calls for:

* An “iTunes tax” of 4 percent on videos, music or pictures downloaded from the Internet.

* A 4 percent tax on taxi, limo and bus rides. That means a $10 cab ride would cost 40 cents more.

* A 4 percent entertainment tax on tickets to movies, concerts and sporting events. That would add nearly 50 cents to a $12 movie ticket or $1.80 to the cheapest $44.50 seat at a Knicks game.

* The tax on beer increases 24 cents per gallon, or more than double the current rate, which means about 30 cents a case.

* An 18 percent tax on nondiet soft drinks, which aims to reduce child obesity. A $1.50 can of Pepsi would then cost at least 25 cents more.

* A 4 percent tax on cable TV and satellite services, raising a $100 bill by $4.

* Hiking the cost of “personal” services — including haircuts, manicures, pedicures, massages and gym memberships — by 4 percent.

* A 4 percent sales tax on clothing and shoes under $500, except for two weeks out of the year.

* Elimination of the law that caps the state sales tax on gasoline at 8 cents per gallon.

On the bright side, the plan would allow wine sales in grocery stores, the news of which sent stocks in Chateau Diana tumbling.

Oh, and the cuts in spending could mean massive city layoffs, the prospect of which seems less and less like posturing by city officials as day after day of bad news comes out.

You know, now that I think about it, taxing seems like a lot of fun. Here is my wish list:

• A tax on pure-bred animals, including dogs and cats, with an added surcharge for “large” dogs
• A tax on chunky black-framed glasses — the “Hipster Tax”
• A tax on semi-colons (overused; myself included), and verbosity, especially in the workplace
• A tax on farmed fish, mostly because I’m tired of seeing Tilapia everywhere
• A tax on soap — that would raise a bunch of cash! — coupled with a tax on colonge
• A tax on chumps and suckers because, well, they’re chumps and suckers