Transgressing The Boundaries: Toward A Transformative Hermeneutics Of Black Squirrels

Haverford College issues a curious apology in the wake of a disastrous attempt at satire:

Last month, a New York City Parks Department employee named David Langlieb drew the ire of Greenpoint’s Polish community with an essay entitled “The Black Squirrel’s Burden.” In it, a narrator refers to Poles as “stupid” and “ugly,” and argues in favor of gentrification that would replace neighborhood churches with high-end retail stores.

Since the discovery of “The Black Squirrel’s Burden,” which was published in the alumni magazine of Haverford College, Langlieb’s alma mater, the author has come under heavy criticism. He recently issued a statement defending his essay as satire in the tradition of Jonathan Swift, who used the genre as a tool for social commentary. Claiming to be of half-Polish descent himself, Langlieb wrote that his intent had been to make fun of gentrification’s proponents, not Poles, and to “defend the wonderful community of Greenpoint from the forces of economic and social change.”

While the author has issued the mea culpa, and even his employer, Parks Department Commissioner Adrian Benepe, has simultaneously distanced himself from Langlieb and praised the virtues of Poles throughout New York, some individuals who took offense at the essay are still waiting for Haverford College to apologize. They need wait no longer.

But does “upon further review we just didn’t understand what he was getting at” really count as an apology? It should stick in your gut like a Manhattan Avenue pierogi*:

Haverford College deeply regrets that an opinion-page article printed in our latest alumni magazine was clearly offensive to Polish-Americans and others. The writer’s stated intent to support residents of communities which are under siege from new arrivals was not evident since the point of view of the article was so difficult to understand . . .

OK, so what happened to the editor then? David Langlieb should really reach out to Alan Sokal!

*That’s obviously not to besmirch the wonderful restaurants in the wonderful community of Greenpoint, whose very existence is threatened by the forces of economic and social change.

The Only Thing Worse Than An Iggles Fan Is An Iggles Fan That Used To Be From New York

Eagles fans can be such huge pains in the ass:

The son of the legendary late Giants owner Wellington Mara tackled and choked a fellow broker on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange yesterday after the man mocked the team, sources said.

Veteran floor trader Bob Tomasulo, a 57-year-old grandfather, was assaulted and barraged with obscenities in front of stunned co-workers after kidding with Stephen Mara about the Giants’ embarrassing 36-22 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, witnesses and Tomasulo told The Post.

“Mara started screaming, ‘I’m gonna f- – -ing kill you! Don’t f- – – around with my family! Don’t insult my family!’ ” one broker said.

“Bob was like, ‘Hey, what is your problem? It’s just a game!’ And Mara yells, ‘No, it’s not just a game, it’s my f- – -ing family!’ ”

Tomasulo said the bizarre broker brouhaha broke out at around 10:30 a.m., after he walked past Mara and pretended to do a basketball jump shot, mocking the celebratory on-field routine performed by Big Blue players after touchdowns and sacks.

Tomasulo, an Eagle fan, said that he and Mara, 47, had enjoyed a friendly sports rivalry for years and that last week, the son of the former Giants owner kiddingly told him, “We’re gonna kick your guys’ you-know-what.”

“I said, ‘Yeah, probably,’ ” Tomasulo recalled.

“[Yesterday] morning, I just did that stupid little jump shot, and I said, ‘Maybe you have a basketball team instead of a football team.’

“[Mara] just snapped. He charged me like an animal. He charged me like he wanted to sack me.

“At first, he got me in a bear hug and bent me over a trading post. At first, I thought it was a joke. Then he proceeded to choke me. I passed out for a minute.”

. . .

An NYSE official called the trading-floor rumble “nothing major, a slight disagreement between a couple of people.”

But Tomasulo said NYSE lawyers contacted him and “to them, this is a very serious incident.”

“The doctors told me I have a bruised larynx. My blood pressure spiked to 260 over 140,” said Tomasulo, adding that he was treated by NYSE medical staffers.

He said he didn’t take Mara’s apologetic phone call because “I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him.

“I’m 57 years old. I’ve been bullied and pushed around a lot in life. I grew up in Brooklyn. I’m just sick of taking it,” he said.

Tomasulo — who became an Eagles fan when he moved to Bucks County, Pa. — said he’s unsure whether he will hire a lawyer. But “if they told me [Mara] was suspended from work for ‘X’ amount of days, I wouldn’t be upset,” he said.

One Way To Take Care Of The Dropout Problem

A Rod Paige type of turnaround* ought to do wonders for Bloomberg’s chances in ’08 (or ’12!):

The city’s fiscal watchdog has sounded the alarm over a “significant and sustained” rise in the number of students discharged from public high schools, suggesting the increase could be artificially improving the graduation and dropout rates.

In a recent letter to the schools chancellor, Comptroller William Thompson Jr. noted that the steady climb began following a change in the way the city Department of Education defined discharged students in its annual reports beginning in 2002.

The change involved omitting a disclaimer that said a student could be considered discharged only after the student was confirmed to have been admitted to a new school outside the city public school system.

A spokesman for Chancellor Joel Klein acknowledged the omission but said the confirmation policy stood firm. And advocates who keep close tabs on the discharge policy said they believe the city has become more diligent in tracking discharged students.

Still, Thompson called the change “troubling,” saying that not confirming a student’s enrollment elsewhere “could artificially inflate the city’s high-school graduation rates.”

*See, for example.

But Excuse Me Officer, Don’t You Know Who My Second Cousin’s Ex-Brother-In-Law Is? He’s On The Force, Of Course!

Is the Civilian Complaint Review Board actually defending people who abuse PBA cards? It sounds that way:

Eleven officers have improperly confiscated police union “courtesy” cards shown to them by relatives and friends of other officers throughout the last 18 months, the Civilian Complaint Review Board announced yesterday.

In a letter to Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly, CCRB chair Franklin Stone recommended that the NYPD better inform officers about the cards, which are often shown by civilians to get special treatment or immunity from tickets and/or arrest.

“Most, if not all, of these cases involved the improper seizure of union cards by police officers who misunderstood the law relating to these cards,” the Nov. 9 letter read. “Simply put, officers often do not have legal justification to seize police union cards — private property — from individuals who lawfully possess them.”

And apparently people complaining about a lack of special treatment is endemic:

In a separate letter to Kelly — dated yesterday — [New York Civil Liberties Union associate legal director Christopher] Dunn and NYCLU Executive Director Donna Lieberman echoed the CCRB’s concerns and called for an investigation into conduct by NYPD Officer John McNeeley, who was pulled over for speeding in Kansas last month and showed the officer his driver’s license and NYPD ID.

“About 5 minutes later, he brought back a summons to me and thanked me for my cooperation,” McNeeley wrote in a letter to the court obtained by the NYCLU. “I then tried to ask him why a cop would write another cop a ticket? He would not answer. I have stopped many people and the minute they pull out their Law Enforcement ID card I say ‘Sir or Mam [sic] have a nice day’ No questions asked. . . . You see it’s called professional courtesy.”

Nice to know that both the CCRB and the Civil Liberties Union (while ostentatiously “sounding an alarm”) are standing up for your right to get out of paying tickets. Very heartening!

At Least They Didn’t Call It “Mark’s Law”

I would hate to be remembered this way:

The City Council has revived a proposal to buy special “jumbo” ambulances for the morbidly obese, officials told The Post.

The idea for the ambulances — which can easily transport people over 500 pounds — has languished in the council for years, but now lawmakers plan to hold a hearing on the issue on Tuesday.

It was spurred by the plight of labor leader, 420-pound Mark Rosenthal, who suffered a stroke in 2003.

The District Council 37 representative was forced to lie strapped on an ambulance floor, because the stretcher couldn’t fit him.

“We have to ensure that no one has to ride on the floor of an ambulance again; we would not stand for it for any protected group,” said Councilman James Sanders Jr. (D-Queens), the bill’s sponsor.

. . .

A spokesman for American Medical Response said the company developed its “bariatric” ambulance because the demand was growing.

The vehicle costs about $50,000 more than their average, $75,000-$100,000 ambulances.

“Generally the use of the vehicles are prearranged,” said Eric Berthel, spokesman for the company. “We have placed them in our larger markets and we were among the first to recognize the need for this kind of service.”

Rosenthal said the ambulances would prove to be cost-effective for the city and could come in handy for transporting multiple people in a catastrophic event.

“There is a use for them,” he said. “The only difference is they are lion-size.”