Money Shot

If you’ve ever wondered what preparation takes place to produce the apartment porn you see on Craig’s List and real estate agents’ websites, now you know:

I’m no photographic genius, but to my mind you can only get so creative with a square box; unless, of course, you have an accomplice who is willing to let you sit on their shoulders for some aerial views. I always feel a little silly standing in a furnished apartment with 10 other brokers while we shuffle around and try to stay out of each other’s frames. Even a sliver of some anonymous agent in the background is like a black flag on the otherwise perfect shot of light streaming through the windows. You want to capture it clean, and it’s no easy task with all of the commotion.

So, you are busy at work, perusing the New York Times for your next apartment, making dozens of phone calls and getting the same result, “It was just rented but I have . . .” Meanwhile, unbeknownst to you, 15 rental agents are running through your current apartment (none of them wiped their feet) snapping away at your bathroom. You really should have taken your delicates to the dry cleaners instead of hanging them on the shower rod, because in two days those, too, will appear everywhere online. While I’m on the subject, you three guys using the towels as curtains could have at least put the bong away. We can always shoot around the dirty dishes.

With thousands of listings now available online and a fair amount of them almost accurate and reasonably current, agents are forced to get more and more creative with their apartment ads. Use of the wide angle lens for the illusion of greater square footage is one standard tactic, while others have now employed companies like Gotham Photo for a more polished and professional look (although this is more often the case in the sales market). Rental agents aren’t normally willing to spring for fancy pictures on an open listing that some other joker may just as easily rent with only a blurry snapshot of the building.

Everything You Want Him To Be

Brian Carter, our favorite broker (although to be fair, that’s not saying much), adjusts his work style by “playing dumb”:

No longer the grey voice of reason and experience, I’ve decided that if a client believes the Upper East Side is a great place to explore cutting edge nightlife, it’s not my job to disagree. I may see the neighborhood as an unfortunate blend of the ultra rich and wildly immature, a sort of a large fraternity mixer sponsored by corporate donors who have to double as chaperones, but that’s just my opinion.

If they have to live in the Village because that’s where Sarah Jessica Parker lives, then to the Village we shall go. I’ll then admit to almost having moved there myself for the exact same reason. They are somehow under the impression that Hells Kitchen is a dangerous and drug infested neighborhood where criminals are forced to mug each other because no one else will venture there. I’ll confess that I had no idea and will thank them for the tip. In the meantime we should keep looking on the Upper West Side where crime doesn’t exist.

. . .

In the past, I’ve allowed my personal experience and taste to dictate my sales technique, naively believing that informing and educating renters would be rewarded with loyalty. But that hasn’t been the case. The “honesty is the best policy” approach in this business has gotten me nominal results, but plenty of dinner invitations and comments like, “Sorry about finding our place with that other jerk, but we should really hang out sometime.” I guess, but it seems pretty weird to me that somehow these people missed the fact that I was working. My new approach of agreeing with absolutely every misguided idea that renters come up with and enthusiastically sharing in their fantasies is going to pay big dividends. And they’ll never mistake me for a friend again.

I don’t want to start worrying about Carter, but it may be getting more difficult for brokers:

In a step toward opening up New York’s real estate marketplace, the Real Estate Board of New York announced yesterday that it plans to launch a public Internet portal containing all the exclusive apartment sales and rental listings of its 319 members, including the city’s biggest brokerages.

While similar systems exist in many real estate markets around the country, establishing a comprehensive, shared, and free listing system on the Web has been a long, hard slog in New York City. Earlier attempts at cooperation among the city’s largest and most competitive real estate firms crashed and burned amid squabbling.

Currently, brokers with member firms must share information with one another about their exclusive listings within 72 hours, and about 10,000 to 15,000 sales and rental listings are available to brokers from member firms. The new portal, to be released early next year with the fanfare of a seven-figure advertising budget, would offer these listings online to the public.

Only In New York Does $145,000 Qualify As “Middle-Income”

As some decry the plan to bring poor people into the neighborhood, a study notes that most Queens residents would not be able to afford it in the first place:

Praised as a major advance for affordable housing in Queens, Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s plan to build 5,000 middle-income rental units on the Long Island City waterfront would actually exclude more than 60 percent of Queens residents, notes a report that will be released today by the Pratt Center for Community Development.

The median income in Queens was $45,000 last year, but the income required to qualify for the new apartments would fall between $60,000 and $145,000 a year for a family of four. Rents would run from $1,200 to $2,500 a month.

Bloomberg announced his proposal for a mixed-income housing complex on 24 acres in Queens West just two days after the private sale of the 110 apartment buildings that make up the middle-class haven of Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village. The new Queens development was hailed as the city’s largest middle-income housing development since 1974, when the 5,888-unit Starrett City was built in Brooklyn. Bloomberg promised the new project would “provide needed housing for the real backbone of our city — our teachers, nurses, police officers.”

“But the majority of teachers, police officers, firefighters and nurses in Queens earn less than the $60,000 cutoff for Queens West,” pointed out Marnie McGregor, a senior policy analyst at the Pratt Center and the author of the report.

Next, You Should Pass A Resolution Condemning The Practice

Using its limited resources wisely, the City Council confirms what anyone who has ever rented an apartment quickly realizes — no-fee listings are a scam:

Beware online ads promising the perfect rental apartment with no broker fee – nearly one-third of them are lying, a City Council report revealed yesterday.

The Council’s Oversight and Investigations Committee recently contacted 223 real estate agents who advertised “no fee” apartments on two popular online Web sites: craigslist.org and backpage.com.

The investigators discovered that 31% of the so-called “no fee” apartments did, in fact, have broker fees.

“There’s no place in this city for deceptive and misleading sales practices,” said Councilman Eric Gioia (D-Queens), the committee’s chairman, during a news conference at City Hall.

“We need to make sure that — however it is that you’re searching for an apartment — the deal you’re getting is an honest one,” Gioia said.

Quit Looking At Me That Way, You Perv!

When things are going really, really well, renting someone an apartment is better than sex*:

There was a long pause. Neither one of us said a word. I could tell she was seriously thinking about something, but at the same time, she was staring directly at me. There was little I could do but stare back. Another few moments passed before she finally snapped out of whatever she was lost in and walked over and leaned on the window sill next to me. I started to realize that it was on and that she was going to do it. All I had to do was sit back and let it happen. I love those moments more than the actual close. “Holy shit,” I thought, “She’s going to take this place.”

I took a deep breath. So did she. I smiled. She smiled back. She was nervous, and so was I. We both began to understand how bad she wanted it. It was only a matter of making sure she didn’t feel guilty afterward. They often do when it happens this quickly. But this is my favorite part. It can still go either way, and I’m not sure of what is going to happen next. I guess it’s the uncertainty that makes it so exciting. She finally nodded her head, “Yes.” I made my move, “Really? Great, let’s get ought of here. I’ll grab a cab, and we’ll head back to my . . . office.”

*If we didn’t enjoy Rental Dementia so much, this whole metaphor would be highly disturbing . . . damn these provocative sweeps-week sex issues!