{"id":602,"date":"2012-05-03T00:43:52","date_gmt":"2012-05-03T04:43:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/?p=602"},"modified":"2012-05-03T00:50:41","modified_gmt":"2012-05-03T04:50:41","slug":"its-never-too-soon-to-learn-that-squishy-turtles-by-their-nature-can-never-be-your-friend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/2012\/05\/03\/its-never-too-soon-to-learn-that-squishy-turtles-by-their-nature-can-never-be-your-friend\/","title":{"rendered":"It's Never Too Soon To Learn That Squishy Turtles, By Their Nature, Can Never Be Your Friend"},"content":{"rendered":"

So basically there's this class of baby book that's designed for very small babies. We (read: I) didn't know about this type of book before Animal came along. My recollection of children's books skewed toward Seuss and The Runaway Pancake<\/em><\/a>. Like a lot of stuff about early childhood, it all kind of runs together in a blob between age 0 and middle school, and it's unclear what happened when and, therefore, what happens when.<\/p>\n

So this one baby book that we got — I don't know if we just got it or if it's something we (read: Jen) asked for — is called Squishy Turtle and Friends<\/em>. And every time we look at it, it kind of blows our minds.<\/p>\n

I mean, sure, Squishy Turtle and Friends<\/em> is only six pages long, but what do we know about what babies like? Maybe they don't need<\/em> a complicated multi-story plot. Maybe they don't care<\/em> about character development. Maybe they're not wowed by tremendously adept turns of phrase.<\/p>\n

Look, I get that half the joy of "books" like Squishy Turtle<\/em> is that they're crinkly and children can suck on them. But every time we read — or more accurately, allow Animal to manhandle it — we keep thinking that the book seems rather, I don't know, thin<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I don't know how Fair Use laws apply to children's books, especially when they're "tactile," but it's difficult to discern how much of a six-page book can be excerpted. Seriously, where's the cutoff? Oh well, here we go.<\/p>\n

\"Squishy<\/a><\/p>\n

Like all good children's books, Squishy Turtle<\/em> can be a little dark. Take the ominous first line, for example: "Little fish with shiny scales are fleeing from alarming whales!" Turtle<\/em> moves along in this vein for five more pages<\/em>, illustrating a murky world of inter-species violence.<\/p>\n

\"Squishy<\/a><\/p>\n

Not to sound like a dick, but the line "Gently bobbing up and down is how a sea horse gets around" (page 4) is crying out to be rewritten, in the bawdy way. Let your imagination go with that one.<\/p>\n

\"Squishy<\/a><\/p>\n

The final lines — "The ocean floor is deep and dark. It's where you'll find this hungry shark." — make you think you're missing something. Yes, yes — it's a baby<\/em> book — but why treat them like they're illiterate?<\/p>\n

\"Squishy<\/a><\/p>\n

Now you may be wondering, as we were, if this is Squishy Turtle and Friends<\/em>, well then where and when the fuck does the title character show up? That goes unanswered.<\/p>\n

\"Squishy<\/a><\/p>\n

At this point, however, you have to wonder if there's a sort of commentary going on in the book's title. Yes, Squishy Turtle never actually appears in Squishy Turtle<\/em>, but is that because of Squishy Turtle's inherent makeup? I.e., he\/she is squishy<\/em>, and thus equivocal<\/em>? At the very least, it's worth considering.<\/p>\n

The whole thing was kind of perplexing, so Jen finally just Googled it, and came across the Amazon page for the book<\/a>. And that's where we saw it: When Squishy Turtle<\/em> was first published back in 2003 it was eight<\/em> pages!<\/p>\n

And after reading the comments, we learned the Horrible Truth About Squishy Turtle<\/em>: Back in 2007 it was cut down to six measly pages<\/a>.<\/p>\n

So in cutting down the books to six pages, Squishy Turtle<\/em> joins Dannon Yogurt<\/a>, Dial Soap<\/a> and every other example<\/a> of "wonderful new packaging" that seeks to cut costs by literally cutting corners.<\/p>\n

Look, do I dislike Turtle<\/em>? No. Clearly not. But I was disappointed by <\/em>Turtle<\/em>, in part for his squishiness and in part because I think it's just a bad example to set for the children. Because, after all, when it comes down to it, that's all that matters.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So basically there's this class of baby book that's designed for very small babies. We (read: I) didn't know about this type of book before Animal came along. My recollection of children's books skewed toward Seuss and The Runaway Pancake. Like a lot of stuff about early childhood, it all kind of runs together in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,435,763],"tags":[816,560,813,814,815],"class_list":["post-602","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-books-are-the-suvs-of-writing","category-the-cult-of-domesticity","category-those-who-cant-do-review","tag-little-ideas-for-big-people","tag-mean-old-daddy","tag-the-horrible-truth-about-squishy-turtle-and-friends","tag-the-weight-out-applied-to-childrens-books","tag-those-grimm-motherfuckers-just-never-quit-do-they"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/602","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=602"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/602\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":612,"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/602\/revisions\/612"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=602"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=602"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com\/slightest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=602"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}