After Halloween our neighbor rang our bell and forced a gallon-sized Ziploc of candy on us, saying she had no willpower. A day later I had two more gallon bags of the stuff from her. The three bags are now ensconced in the upper shelf of a kitchen cabinet in an opaque black bag waiting to be taken to some break room somewhere; no goddamn way is that shit getting anywhere the boys, that's how rattled I was after Saturday night.<\/p>\n
It occurred to me that it's been years — like last millennium years — since I've eaten any of these things. I think I know what they're like, but it's worth circling back; maybe candy has changed since then; who knows?<\/p>\n
Milky Way<\/strong>: It's like chocolate, caramel and nougat, right? I had to Wikipedia "nougat"<\/a>: whipped up sugary something or other, I guess? So basically sugar two ways covered with milk chocolate? Weird — I think I used to like them. Paired with bourbon, it tastes like plastic.<\/p>\n Kit Kat<\/strong>: "Crisp Wafers in Milk Chocolate." Well, when you put it that way. I always liked the moderating influence of the individual wafers. It's like string cheese. The taste is funny — even though I'm sure the wafer is just a wafer and obviously the milk chocolate is milk chocolate, there's something so distinctive about Kit Kat; it was the one thing I absolutely knew what it tasted like already. I didn't miss them in the slightest. Pairs moderately well with bourbon.<\/p>\n Milk Duds<\/strong>: I have bad memories of these. Yup: cruddy chewy caramel with not nearly enough chocolate, one of those sad, stupid Depression-era names (like "Bit-O-Honey" or "egg cream") and asinine fucking boxes. Bourbon makes the fucking things seize up on your molars; squeaky-toothed shit candy.<\/p>\n [Eight to go and feeling kind of ill.]<\/em><\/p>\n Snickers Peanut Butter Squared<\/strong>: New to me, this is basically brilliant candywork. Balanced salty-sweet flavor and nougat that shimmies up your back teeth and lays there, coating, just coating. Mmmm. I forgot to drink bourbon, but whatever's left of the candy is now tasting like softly alcoholic panty hose, a not unpleasant sensation.<\/p>\n Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme<\/strong>: First, what's with the single apostrophe quote thingies around "n"? Oh OK, I see now<\/a>, and honestly, as much as I try to respect prescriptive grammar rules, this is a fucking idiotic thing to feel strongly about. I don't think even that detour was enough for my blood sugar to stabilize. First thing: this candy bar looks ridiculous, like a kiwi filmed in black and white. It's white chocolate then? White chocolate and crushed vanilla wafers? It's not good, that's for sure. One thing, though — it's great with bourbon, for what it's worth.<\/p>\n Butterfinger<\/strong>: I'm sure I'm not the only one who remembers the Bart Simpson commercials more fondly than the candy itself, which is a hateful chocolate-covered peanut-asbestos brick. Also pairs quite nicely with bourbon.<\/p>\n Crunch<\/strong>: First, what a dumb name. All the better to match such a thoughtlessly designed logo. Candy itself is not bad, but tastes different than I remember, like there's some spice in there — clove, maybe? Is it because of this<\/a>? I can't evaluate the bourbon pairing because I feel like shit.<\/p>\n