I’m Killing Myself And Taking The Entire Morning Rush With Me

Potential suicides really need to learn to off themselves without making the rest of us late for work:

A man committed suicide yesterday by laying his head on the third rail at an East Village subway station, authorities said.

The unidentified victim, described only as in his 60s, jumped onto the southbound tracks at the No. 6-line Astor Place station at about 5:30 a.m.

As a train rumbled into the station, the operator saw the man sprawled on the tracks and slammed on the brakes, screeching to a halt just inches away from him. The man then put his head on the electrified third rail.

Commuters, this has been your vague “police investigation” for the day.