Any Slower And We’d Be In A Permanent State Of Carnaval

Last year’s slowest bus was the M34 (3.4 mph). This year we see some improvement, as the M14A checks in at a 3.9 mph clip:

The crosstown bus moves — if you can call it that — across Manhattan’s 14th St. at an average speed of 3.9 mph, earning it bottom honors in the annual Pokey Awards, handed out to the slowest coach in town.

Dishonorable mentions also were handed out yesterday to New York’s most unreliable and off-schedule routes by the Straphangers Campaign and other public transportation advocates.

“There are 2.5 million New Yorkers who ride the buses each day, and they deserve better,” said Paul White, executive director of Transportation Alternatives.

The ceremony took place in Union Square, just feet from where the M14A crawls by, and featured advocates dressed in tuxedos and handing out Golden Snail awards after each drumroll.

Cue elderly and/or infirm:

“They go slow because of the traffic,” said Phyllis Casper, 79, a retired bookkeeper from Manhattan. “I could walk faster if my feet didn’t hurt.”

The subways are not an option because Casper has difficulty with the stairs.

“I hate to say I’m an old lady, but I am,” she said.

The best double-barreled middle finger of the day comes from the Transit Authority:

The Transit Authority agreed traffic is a problem, but in a statement tried to put the ultimate positive spin on the daily bus commute trauma: “Slow and unreliable bus service is very much a product of the city’s vibrancy.”