Crosstown Traffic

The Daily News discovers that crosstown buses are good for the elderly and infirm but not much else:

Passengers on the M34 are living life in the slow lane.

The crosstown bus – the slowest in the city – inches along 34th St. at a pace so snail-like that a Daily News reporter yesterday gave it a run for the money during a river-to-river dash.

In a race that stretched just over 25 minutes, the mammoth machine needed a last-second burst of “speed” across Second Ave. to hold on for a dubious win – by all of 46 seconds.

“Sometimes this thing is so slow, that even I can beat the bus,” said Frank Fellippello, 46, who rides the bus daily.

And even fat-ass reporters can nearly outwalk a bus:

The contest began at 34th St. and 11th Ave., with a News intern boarding an 11:41 bus, and a reporter setting off on foot.

The M34 shot out of the starting blocks, leaving pedestrians in the dust with an unspectacular view – a rear-end bus ad featuring the scowling mug of actor Don Johnson.

Man and machine would trade the lead a few times as they approached busy Herald Square, where the bus finally got jammed up by a long red light and a traffic cop’s whistle.

Fighting urges to stop for a chocolate chip cookie and a cheesesteak at favorite spots along 34th St., the reporter held the lead even as the bus lurked dangerously close.

But the bus finally won out near the finish line, zooming into the winner’s circle as the hapless pedestrian staggered across Second Ave.

Meanwhile, the Post notes that the M34 often is too slow for even the elderly and infirm:

The M34 is so slow that in Herald Square last night, an 84-year-old woman with a cane said she’d be better off walking.

“I’m late for an appointment. I don’t think I can get there any faster with the bus,” said the woman, who didn’t give her name.

Other s l o w lines include the M66, the M23, the M14s, Brooklyn’s B63 (5.2 mph), the Bronx’s Bx19 (4.9 mph) and the Q58 International “Express” (6.9 mph).