Headline: Wellbutrin Has Yet To Make Inroads in Laredo

A study published in the medical journal Men’s Health Magazine says that New Yorkers are more depressed than Laredoans:

Is New York bumming you out?

Then true happiness awaits in the glittering Texas boom towns of Laredo and El Paso – and even across the Hudson in Jersey City.

A new study by Men’s Health magazine ranks New York among the most depressed cities in the country, while places like Des Moines, Fresno, Calif., and Buffalo – yes, even Buffalo – rate as hotbeds of happiness.

“No way! Are you crazy?” said An Ferree, 30, of Brooklyn. “I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the world.”

The study graded cities on sales of antidepressants, suicide rates and the numbers of days residents reported being depressed. So, Laredo got an A+ and New York scored a D-.

New Yorkers reacted with typical defensiveness, helping to prove the study’s findings:

New Yorkers angrily came to the Big Apple’s defense, saying the city’s cultural and culinary offerings keep them very happy.

“It’s the most vital f—— city in the world,” said Al Gordon, 78, of Manhattan. “I’ve been in Paris, I’ve been in Rome, I’ve been in England and this is it.”

Sara Lowman – a selfproclaimed “very happy person” – was miffed that New York was outranked by cities that don’t quite stack up in size, prestige or pothole width.

“I don’t have any interest in going to those places,” said Lowman, 26. “But good for those cities, since they must have so many happy people.”

Still, she said she was in no hurry to swap New York for New Jersey – no matter how happy the move might eventually make her.

“As tempting as it may sound, no,” she said, smiling. “I think I’ll stay here.”

Let’s see: misplaced rage and delusion (“It’s the most vital f—— city in the world”), self-deprecation (pothole width apologies), sarcasm (“But good for those cities, since they must have so many happy people”) and an irrational fear of what lay waiting if one is banished from the promised land (New Jersey). It all sounds like a recipe for depression to me! But all is not lost: Philadelphia and Cleveland rank worse.