Silly, The Inverted Pyramid Is For Sissy Papers Like The Times!

Someone at the Post gets it — reducing salacious, violent stories into theatrical components is the new inverted pyramid:

This is a love story with a moral: Don’t dally with your friend’s mommy or you might find a Valentine Day’s card carved on your face.

The characters: Elias Nazario, 18; his mom, Nelly; his pal Robert Quinones, 20; and her former boyfriend, a man known only as Freddy.

The place: 852 McDonald Ave. in Borough Park, where the aforementioned reside.

The back story: Robert is having a dalliance with Nelly under the unsuspecting eyes of Elias and the man known only as Freddy.

The action: Elias and Freddy find out about the affair on Valentine’s day, and Elias slashes Robert’s face, authorities say.

The result: Robert gets stitches. Elias gets Rikers.

And the past tense is for wussies like the Daily News:

On Valentine’s Day morning, Freddy goes to work. At 7:55 a.m., Robert wakes up to find several deep cuts on his face and Elias standing over him with a sharp metal object, authorities say.

Elias flees and his mother calls 911. Cops arrive. Robert is taken to Lutheran Hospital, where he gets stitches for the cuts.

Elias did it, he tells the cops.

The youth is picked up at his aunt’s home on Ocean Avenue and taken to the 66th Precinct stationhouse, where he is formally arrested at 2 a.m. Wednesday.

Later in the day, he is arraigned in Brooklyn Criminal Court on charges of assault, menacing, harassment and weapons possession.

Unable to make bail of $2,500, he is lodged in Rikers.

Nelly stonewalls.

“Nothing happened here. I have no comment. It’s all lies,” she said yesterday.

Now that’s the way we like to read these stories!