The News As Mad Libs

G o ahead, try to tell me this isn’t incomprehensibly brilliant:

[Wayne] Schaffel, 50, doesn’t have an MBA and doesn’t believe he needs it. He runs on a different skill set: passion for his job, great sales skills and a willingness to work 24/7. His company, PR for Less, helps small business owners get press and build a name for themselves without the hefty price tag of larger firms.

“PR for Less has a goal,” Schaffel said. “We bring public relations to entrepreneurs who want and need it.”

Keith Niaseling, 52, needed help. He’s been attending networking sessions to get publicity for his clients: Manhattan’s growing ukulele player population.

“Two years ago there were only a dozen,” Niaseling said. “Now there are about 40 and the number is growing. What I try and do for my clients is to get publicity for singers and songwriters in the uke scene.”

Niaseling, a ukulele performer himself who uses the stage name Moosekarloff, feels his strength as a businessman lies in his musical experience.

“I’m not a fancy guy in a suit,” he said. “I’m a performer and an odd hybrid. I’m out of the ordinary. This whole thing is out of the ordinary.”

Schaffel said in past weeks the group’s attendees had included Bonnie Dunn, who runs the burlesque show, La Scandal, at the Cutting Room and a woman who had opened a Chinese language center on Mott Street.

“I was going to go to China to teach English,” Niaseling interrupted, “but then ukulele consciousness took off.”

The two men explained that because their businesses were untraditional, meeting at a known location like Hooters was important to their business plan.

“Also, I wanted something laid back and unexpected,” Schaffel said. “I’m hoping to expand this meeting all over the country in other cities, and Hooters is a franchise with chains everywhere.”

I swear to god that’s what it says.

That’s M’all, Folks

Shouldn’t at least someone out there mourn the potential loss of the Pier 17 mall? Or not:

South Street Seaport’s Pier 17 probably will be razed to make way for a retail, residential and open-space development, a spokeswoman for the property’s leaseholder said yesterday.

Though the company is exploring a range of options, the three-story shopping mall named for the pier upon which it was built likely will be demolished, said Cheri Fein, a spokeswoman for General Growth Properties, a Chicago-based real estate company that owns and operates more than 200 malls nationwide. Fein did not elaborate on the specific plans.

Asked how high a new structure might go, Fein said: “The lower you go, the less open space there is — but nothing has been decided.

“There is also the recognition that it is not just a land-bound place,” she said. “We want to make it 360 [degrees], so that it can be reached by the ferry as well.”

According to one person familiar with the developer’s initial plan, General Growth is considering a tall building for the site, and would build a ferry landing and relocate the landmark Tin Building of the former Fulton Fish Market. The rest of the pier would be left as open space.

. . .

Most waterfront advocates would not shed tears over the loss of the Pier 17 mall, a mix of chain stores, restaurants and specialty shops completed in 1983. The mall is a cumbersome structure, said Lee Gruzen of SeaportSpeaks, a group of local stakeholders.

Location Scout: Pier 17.

No Way, José!

Fuckin’ A, beavers are back! And at $15 million, Representative José E. Serrano gets naming rights:

A crudely fashioned lodge perched along the snow-covered banks of the Bronx River — no more than a mound of twigs and mud strewn together in the shadow of the Bronx Zoo — sits steps away from an empty parking lot and a busy intersection.

Scientists say that the discovery of this cone-shaped dwelling signifies something remarkable: For the first time in two centuries, the North American beaver, forced out of town by agricultural development and overeager fur traders, has returned to New York City.

The discovery of a beaver setting up camp in the Bronx is a testament to both the animal’s versatility and to an increasingly healthy Bronx River.

A few years ago the river was a dumping ground for abandoned cars and rubber tires, but it has been brought back to life recently through a big cleanup effort.

The biologists who discovered the beaver say they have nicknamed it José, after United States Representative José E. Serrano of the Bronx, who has directed $15 million in federal funds toward the river’s rebirth.

In an interview, Mr. Serrano said he had always envisioned the river getting cleaner, “but I don’t know to what extent I imagined things living in it again.”

A number of people reported seeing the beaver last fall, but biologists figured that the sightings were much more likely to have been of muskrats, which are somewhat common in the area.

But the biologists were intrigued enough to investigate, and after trudging the riverbanks, they spotted gnawed tree stumps and the 12-foot-wide lodge — evidence that pointed to beavers, which are rarely seen in the wild because they tend to work at night and avoid people.

Then on Wednesday, the biologists were able to videotape the animal on film, swimming up the river looking for more material to insulate its home. The animal is several feet long, two or three years old, and appeared to be a male in search of a mate, said one of the biologists, Patrick Thomas, the curator of mammals at the Bronx Zoo, which is run by the Wildlife Conservation Society.

Global Warming = More Crime?

Are we to assume that if the earth’s temperature rises, there will be a related rise in crime? Oh my god, don’t tell Al Gore because he’ll probably get all uppity about that, too:

The NYPD — with an assist from Mother Nature — is putting the freeze on crime across the city and in the subways.

February is on pace to be the safest month on record since the NYPD began tracking crime statistics by month 13 years ago, Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly told the Daily News yesterday.

. . .

Citywide crime this month through Sunday has fallen 10% compared with the same period last year.

The number of murders is also down to 46 from 75, a 39% drop, the statistics show.

The reduction in overall crime has coincided with an unusually cold stretch of weather: Temperatures have averaged 24.6 degrees, records show.

But Kelly noted this month’s decline in crime followed a similar reduction in January, which was unusually warm.

“We’ve had a recent cold snap,” Kelly said, acknowledging a link between the cold weather and low crime rate. “But the weather was mild for a significant portion of 2007.”

Gary Conte of the National Weather Service, said during the first 18 days of this month, temperatures in Central Park averaged about 9 degrees below normal. Before the last few days, when the mercury crept above 40, the month was on pace to be one of the coldest in 100 years.

“There’s no doubt with the colder temperatures, more people were inside,” Conte said.

Queens Residents Brace Themselves For Years Of Eric Gioia Press Conferences

7 train disruptions to reach L-like proportions:

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority plans to knock out weekend service on the no. 7 line this weekend for the third straight time, as well as the next four weekends, three more in November, and seven more in early 2008. The reason: to complete switch and signal upgrades on one of the oldest lines in the system.

After these track improvements are completed, the MTA is planning to bring computer-operated trains to the no. 7 line, which will require the agency to cut service again for at least 50 weekends over the next five years, according to transit sources. The award date for that project has been set for January 2008.

The computerized signal system, currently used to control only the L line, allows trains to run faster and closer together, thereby increasing service, the MTA says. Some transportation planners are raising eyebrows about bringing the expensive system to the no. 7 line when it is still in a test phase on the L line. The final estimated cost for the L line system is $278 million, which is $68 million over budget.

About 250,000 straphangers are estimated to ride the no. 7 line on an average weekend. Many are complaining that even with shuttle buses replacing subway service, travel times have quadrupled.