Go Ahead, Sue Me

Tired of frivolous lawsuits? Anxious for tort reform? An easy, noncontroversial solution would be to hire more research staff at New York tabloids:

Christopher Woods was allegedly left with a painful “erection that would not subside” after he drank Boost Plus, a protein drink that comes in chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.

The lactose-free liquid — whose slogan is “Energy to Embrace Life!” — is touted by its manufacturer for its ability to “help build muscles and skin.”

But Woods is blaming the concoction for the “severe bodily injuries” he allegedly suffered after drinking the stuff on June 5, 2004.

The 29-year-old Harlem man awoke a day later with an unrelenting erection that, according to the lawsuit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, needed to be treated with a shunt.

About a week later, Woods charged, persistent problems sent him back to the hospital, where the arteries to his penis had to be clogged through an embolization to stem the flow of blood to the organ.

The lawsuit charges that Woods suffered “pain, shock and mental anguish” as a result of a prolonged erection that kept him from being able to perform “normal activities.”

A Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsel Of Architecture!

We have looked into the eyes of the enemy and . . . found him refreshingly non-offensive, completely unlike the profination we expected:

And so it is now that Toll Brothers is making its presence known in at least three of the five boroughs, Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan. Until recently their name had not often been mentioned among the usual ranks of New York City developers. But outside of the city, where their presence approaches ubiquity, they are best known for creating luxury one-family residences.

A Google search of this firm, whose 2005 revenue was nearly $5.5 billion, turns up what amounts to a high-tech, digitized groan. Type in McMansion and chances are you’re only a few keystrokes away from a reference to Toll Brothers. They are to houses what Martha Stewart is to interiors — and you know what she’s like! Just in case you don’t: She endeavors to bring a whiff of spurious style, a soupçon of upwardly aesthetic aspiration, to the newly moneyed middle classes who raid her various ventures to fill their newly minted McMansions. Toll Brothers has been similarly assailed for cheapening the fabric of the hinterlands with the debased simulacra of true taste.

. . .

As such, it would be pleasant to dismiss [Toll Brothers’ One Ten Third] as worthless and unimaginative, but that, I fear, is not the case. True, a high-rise does not look especially apposite amid the generally lower building-stock. But Third Avenue doesn’t look especially good along most points of its career, so this new addition cannot be seen as a major profanation.

(Thanks, Brian.)

Amazing To Think That All It Took To Set In Motion The Grand Conspiracy Against Guyanese Everywhere Was One Ginned Up Charge Of “Terrorism”

The bad news is that the U.S. Congress missed out on Charles Barron. The good news is that it got Yvette Clarke:

Rep. Yvette Clark, a Democrat of Brooklyn, yesterday commended the law enforcement efforts that thwarted the JFK terror plot, and cautioned against using the incident to stigmatize Caribbean Americans.

“These actions of these four individuals were just that — the actions of individuals,” she said at a press conference, “It is vital that our government agencies and all of us as Americans do not use this event as an excuse to discriminate against or profile people of Guyanese ancestry or Trinidadian ancestry.”

How Big? We’re Talking Bob Beamon Big!*

At least he didn’t cite Barry Bonds:

The upcoming July 4 Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest may be the biggest U.S.-Japan pop-culture face-off since King Kong took on Godzilla.

That’s because California’s Joey Chestnut has dethroned reigning Japanese champion Takeru Kobayashi for the world record for most hot dogs eaten in a sitting, meaning that their Coney Island face-to-face match-up will be served with an extra helping of importance for “big-boned” Americans and Japanese everywhere.

“This is the most monumental achievement in athletics since Bob Beamon broke the long-jump record in the 1960s,” said George Shea, chairman of Major League Eating. “This creates one of the most historic rivalries in all of sports.”

. . .

Now that Chestnut, a 6-foot-1, 230-pound 23-year-old, has finally eclipsed the downright skinny 160-pound Kobayashi on paper, all eyes are on the upcoming Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan’s Famous in Coney Island, where the two will again come to face to face for the Mustard Yellow Belt.

And there’s already evidence that Kobayashi, who’s won the Nathan’s contest six years in a row, is feeling the heat.

“Last year [at the Krystal Square Off World Championship hamburger-eating contest in Chattanooga, Tenn.], Kobayashi was really stressed and pressed — Joey did 91 in eight minutes and Kobayashi ate 97,” Shea said.

“It became a real rivalry. At the end of the competition, Kobayashi pounded the table in a way he never did — he used to be a really quiet, reserved guy before that. It was a real outburst of emotion because Joey pushed him so hard.”

*And when was the last time you thought about the long jump? Probably just before the last time you thought about competitive eating.

Diversions On Top Of Diversions As City Council Becomes Muscular United Nations-Style Debating Club

Again, Congress’s loss is our gain:

“I stand behind my aide 100%,” Barron said. “This is a bogus witch hunt. The real issue is [Council Speaker] Christine Quinn and the abusive use of white power at the City Council to stop us from naming a street. This is a diversion.”