And Then I Stank Up The Joint

Don’t ever say that Brooklyn’s elected representatives aren’t responsive to their constituents:

“I am still listening to all the stakeholders, including the brunching community, the religious community, and the religious brunching community.”

Solution: Ban Seeded Bagels

This could rival the War on Brunch for municipal stupidity, except I think the Health Department probably just needs more cash for a new campaign against another food additive. I don’t know how else to interpret the agency citing a bagel shop for having too many sesame seeds on its floor:

A Health Department spokeswoman said the bagel shop was cited on Oct. 23, 2011, for “a heavy accumulation of seeds in the same area that many mouse droppings were found.”

No mice were detected in an earlier inspection on Aug. 1, 2011, and none were found in the latest inspection on April 5, when B&B was awarded the highest cleanliness grade of “A.”

Now, [the bagel shop owner] and his son [. . .] have invested close to $900,000 in larger stainless steel preparation tables — in hopes of containing seed fallout — and an expensive water-filter vacuum to suck up the seeds from the floor.

Brooklyn Jumps Shark, Steals Shark’s Wallet And Cellphone, Then Gives Shark A Wet Willie, Because Of Course Sharks Have Ears, Too

Despite widespread dissent about the so-called War on Brunch, even at the highest levels of Brooklyn local government, Brooklyn’s Community Board 1 doubles down, and looks fucking stupid in the process:

Community Board 1 public safety chairman Tom Burrows asked neighbors to join his fight and help monitor illegal brunching activity at a 94th Precinct council meeting in Greenpoint on Wednesday.

“If you see restaurants serving brunch on the sidewalk before noon, call 311!” said Burrows — who has come to play the role of General Patton in the escalating conflict. “I didn’t pass the law, but that’s the law.”

Oh please.

If You Can Find 300 Crabs In Newtown Creek, You’re Set For The Year . . .

I’d like to meet the person who eats even one crab from Newtown Creek:

Brooklynites should be wary about eating anything they catch in Newtown Creek because of high bacteria levels, said state scientists, who recommended that women under age 50 and children under age 15 refrain from consuming any fish caught in the waterway. Men over age 15 and women over age 50 should limit their intake of North Brooklyn seafood at one meal of bluefish, carp, and bass per month, and no more than six crabs per week, the study said.

Greenpoint boaters welcomed the news.

Location Scout: Newtown Creek.

“Eendraght Maeckt Maght” Is Russian For “Buddy, Throw Some Teal In There!”

It’s the Spinal Tap Black Album of basketball logos:

The main event at the news conference was the unveiling of the new Nets logos. The simple black-and-white designs prominently feature the word “Brooklyn,” all but trumpeting the fact that the players’ new jerseys are, well, no longer linked to New Jersey.

The two insignia were created by the rapper Jay-Z, who owns part of the team, and designed to resemble the black-and-white tiles and typeface of old New York subway stations. The first is a triangular shield with a basketball inside it emblazoned with the letter B and the word “Brooklyn” inscribed in capital letters underneath. The second is a circle with a letter-B basketball and the words “Brooklyn New York.”