You Shoulda Seen What He Did With The Oysters

Brooklyn special — lobster freshly fallen off the back of a truck:

A cook at Brooklyn’s famed Junior’s Restaurant was charged with larceny yesterday after co-workers caught him with 15 frozen lobster tails stuffed down his pants and into bandages around his legs, cops said.

Prep cook Raymundo Flores, 40, was spotted in a walk-in freezer by colleague Adam Marks, allegedly taking lobster tails and stuffing them under the bandages early Sunday afternoon. After Marks alerted co-worker Joe Hanson, both men stopped Flores and called 911.

Police arrived and found the 15 tails hidden on Flores, whom they arrested.

Authorities said that staff at Junior’s — where twin lobster tails sell for $29.95 — had recently noticed lobster tails missing from the freezer.

Many things come to mind . . .

1) Is there a market for stolen lobster? That seems dangerous. Especially in this heat.

2) Isn’t the suspect at risk for frostbite on some very delicate parts of the body?

3) Lobster at Junior’s is apparently frozen, not fresh; must stick to cheesecake.

Admit It: Outdoor Cinema Sucks

For reasons including but not limited to large vermin:

If you’re coming to this outside cinema, bring a blanket, but leave the popcorn, wine and cheese at home.

That’s because a roving army of hungry rats has been prowling Bay Ridge’s Narrows Botanical Gardens, threatening to shut down the annual movies in the park.

“These rats are so brazen, it can be a nightmare,” said Joan Regan, who first organized the Outdoor Cinema eight years ago.

“The sun goes down and the rats get hungry for food and come bother our show,” said Regan.

It wouldn’t be the first time the four-legged fiends stole the show.

Two years ago, the vermin problem was so bad, organizers had to cancel a sundown showing of “War of the Worlds” after the raging rats launched their own invasion.

“As soon as the movie started, droves of rats poured on to the field. You could see them on the screen and one of them even ran over the foot of the woman sitting next to me,” said Regan, who said she made the unfortunate mistake of spreading out some cheese and wine on her picnic blanket.

Next Thing You Knew, You Was Gentrified!

I guess it’s not a nice thing to wake up one morning next to an IKEA:

When she moved to her apartment five years ago, Perian Carson’s small corner of Red Hook in Brooklyn looked much different. An abandoned Civil War-era warehouse sat a few blocks away on Van Brunt Street. Nearby, along the cobblestones on Beard Street, she could see the remnants of the old Todd Shipyards, where ships were repaired in a massive graving dock.

It was a drowsy neighborhood where one could smell the harbor, a close-knit community where people signed for one another’s mail. Ms. Carson tended a small garden on the sidewalk near her building.

Today, the graving dock and many of the cobblestones are paved over, and from her garden, Ms. Carson sees something else: an enormous blue and yellow Ikea superstore, all 346,000 square feet of it, rising along the waterfront. The old warehouse is now a Fairway supermarket, with luxury rentals above.

“I’m at the fulcrum here,” Ms. Carson said one evening, as she tended to the lilies and goldenrod in her garden. “It’s so much at once.”

New Yorkers: They’re Just Like Us!

Even people in hip, post-cool Brooklyn line up days in advance for IKEA openings:

The doors to Brooklyn’s new Ikea have yet to open, but the madness has begun.

Shoppers in Red Hook were plotting ways to get their hands on a bargain Friday after hearing thousands of dollars of free furniture would be up for grabs Monday morning.

“I’ll camp two days for a couch,” said student Kashmere Square, 20, when he found out the first 35 customers would receive a $699 sofa, and the next 100 will be rewarded with a $199 armchair.

“It’s cool. I’ll definitely be shopping there. I need a computer stand, a table and chairs.”

Michael Malgonada, 17, quickly called friends to work out how they would take turns to secure a spot at the front of the line.

“For a free sofa from Ikea? [I’ll] definitely [line up],” he said.

“If you have to be 21, I’ll bring somebody older. We’ll do shifts.”

Ikea’s doors officially swing open at 9 a.m. Wednesday, and giveaways will be handed out throughout the day at the 346,000-square-foot store on Beard St.

Annotation: “Ikea Riot” (Gridskipper, February 10, 2005); “Three die in Saudi shop stampede” (BBC, September 1, 2004)

Who Is The Worst Person Ever?

How about the person who kicks his pregnant girlfriend in the stomach and then murders a good samaritan:

Detra Young, 51, died earlier this week — two weeks after the vengeful 17-year-old shot her five times inside the Tompkins Houses hallway in Bedford-Stuyvesant, said devastated family members.

“You won’t get away with it,” Young told her shooter, whose first name is Charles, according her daughter Monique Young, 32, as the teen then unleashed a hail of gunfire.

“You f—ing b—h,” he said coldly, pressing the trigger, according to the daughter.

“I don’t know what monster he is that he would shoot an unarmed woman five times,” said Young’s heartbroken sister Roslyn Wright.

Last November, Young, a mother of four and grandmother of five, stepped up to protect her young, pregnant neighbor who was getting kicked in the stomach by her teenage boyfriend.

Cops arrested the violent teen. He was in jail until Memorial Day weekend — and threatening Young from prison, Wright said. “He was sending threatening messages to my sister through his girlfriend,” she said.

Three days after the youth was released from jail, his mother and his girlfriend’s uncle showed up at Young’s door in hopes of resolving their differences.

An argument began and as it escalated, Young, her daughter, her two sons and her son’s friend stepped out into the hallway. That’s when Charles appeared out of nowhere with a gun, Monique Young said.