Today Mars, Tomorrow The World

You can’t stop the Naked Cowboy, you can only hope to repay him:

“Your use of Naked Cowgirl is essentially identical to the Naked Cowboy and is clearly in violation” of Burck’s trademark, read the letter.

Burck is demanding that Kane — who began appearing in Times Square in a red, white and blue cowboy hat and matching bikini several years ago — either stop making money off of his trademark or sign a “Naked Cowboy Franchise Agreement.”

The Problem The Public Theater Created

And of course the simple way to fix it is not relying on film and television starts like Al Pacino in the first place:

A band of amateur businessmen have launched a service that lets theatergoers skip the line for Shakespeare in the Park — always one of the hottest free tickets in town.

. . .

Here’s how it works: Hand over anywhere from $75 to $125 to a professional line-sitter and you can forgo the mind- and butt-numbing side effects of queuing up for a fix of the classics. Al Pacino starring as Shylock in “The Merchant of Venice” promises to be a must-see show this season.

Maybe this is part of what they meant when they said “For every one dollar, we generate eight”?

Location Scout: Delacorte Theater.

Perhaps This Is Part Of Why You Take The Train

Or, this is what a MARK IV Transportation Technologies Group press release looks like:

Sometimes a tollbooth isn’t a tollbooth. Sometimes it’s a battleground where life’s little conflicts unfold.

Friction between collectors and drivers is clear in a review of dozens of complaints filed with the two agencies that collect fares at the city’s 15 toll crossings.

. . .

At a Port Authority crossing in October 2008, a driver hands the collector a $10 bill. The collector returns it, claiming there’s a rip. The customer fishes out another $10 bill and asks, “Is this better?” “F— you,” the worker replies.

Write Press Release First, Ask Questions Later

PETA cares less about biology than press coverage, as the Daily News discovers:

PETA accused Sik Gaek and East Seafood Restaurant, also in Flushing, of serving the octopus while it was still alive, and sent letters to the Queens district attorney’s office, demanding it seek animal cruelty charges against the businesses. The group also dispatched protesters to picket outside the restaurants recently, while holding signs like “Octopus Dismembered Alive.”

A PETA spokeswoman said the group is investigating the issue throughout the city and would not comment further on the dish.

But scientists say there’s a reason for the octopus acting like a creepy crawly — even when it’s dead.

“There is a lot of nerve activity that occurs in an octopus’ tentacles. It doesn’t matter if it’s dead or alive,” said Tim Carpenter, curator of fish and invertebrates at the Seattle Aquarium in Seattle, Wash.

The manager of Sik Gaek said the octopus, which live in a medium-sized fish tank inside the restaurant, is killed instantly by having its head split open and its brain removed. The octopus is then immediately chopped up and served to a customer.

Now That The Storyline Is Intact, We Can Make It Look Like 24 Again

Now that it’s clear that the mayor was wrong (and our apologies to the governor for doubting his national security intelligence credentials), and that this was Full-Fledged Terrorism With International Links!, it’s important to raise the stakes again — try freaking the fuck out of everyone for no fucking reason, to start:

The car bomb planted in Times Square came within a “millisecond” of causing “mass casualties” with a 30-foot high fireball, an explosives expert said.

Kevin Barry, a retired NYPD bomb squad supervisor and the head of the International Association of Bomb Technicians and Investigators, painted a gruesome picture of what might have been if the bomb had gone off Saturday night.

“Several hundred” could have been killed or maimed by a fireball exploding from the Nissan Pathfinder found loaded down with firecrackers, fertilizer, gasoline, propane and alarm clocks.

A “millisecond”?