No Way, José!

Fuckin’ A, beavers are back! And at $15 million, Representative José E. Serrano gets naming rights:

A crudely fashioned lodge perched along the snow-covered banks of the Bronx River — no more than a mound of twigs and mud strewn together in the shadow of the Bronx Zoo — sits steps away from an empty parking lot and a busy intersection.

Scientists say that the discovery of this cone-shaped dwelling signifies something remarkable: For the first time in two centuries, the North American beaver, forced out of town by agricultural development and overeager fur traders, has returned to New York City.

The discovery of a beaver setting up camp in the Bronx is a testament to both the animal’s versatility and to an increasingly healthy Bronx River.

A few years ago the river was a dumping ground for abandoned cars and rubber tires, but it has been brought back to life recently through a big cleanup effort.

The biologists who discovered the beaver say they have nicknamed it José, after United States Representative José E. Serrano of the Bronx, who has directed $15 million in federal funds toward the river’s rebirth.

In an interview, Mr. Serrano said he had always envisioned the river getting cleaner, “but I don’t know to what extent I imagined things living in it again.”

A number of people reported seeing the beaver last fall, but biologists figured that the sightings were much more likely to have been of muskrats, which are somewhat common in the area.

But the biologists were intrigued enough to investigate, and after trudging the riverbanks, they spotted gnawed tree stumps and the 12-foot-wide lodge — evidence that pointed to beavers, which are rarely seen in the wild because they tend to work at night and avoid people.

Then on Wednesday, the biologists were able to videotape the animal on film, swimming up the river looking for more material to insulate its home. The animal is several feet long, two or three years old, and appeared to be a male in search of a mate, said one of the biologists, Patrick Thomas, the curator of mammals at the Bronx Zoo, which is run by the Wildlife Conservation Society.

Suddenly Johnny Gets The Feeling He’s Being Surrounded By Horses, Horses, Horses, Horses

Horses running wild in the Bronx . . . wonders really never ever ever cease:

The police captured two rogue horses yesterday after a 911 caller reported that the animals were galloping through traffic on a highway in the Baychester section of the Bronx, police officials said.

Officers eventually found the two horses at a Little League field in the area. According to the caller, they were running loose on Pelham Parkway toward the Hutchinson River Parkway. It was unclear last night where the horses escaped from, but a community board leader and an official from the Association to Prevent Cruelty to Animals said the area has had problems with loose horses in the past.

Summons Killed Main Street But It Wasn’t Who You Expected

It’s not the interstate, the mall or even Wal-Mart that killed Main Street — it was overzealous traffic agents:

Combatting graffiti, applying for sidewalk permits, and monitoring the scourge of empty storefronts or new chain stores aren’t at the top of the priority list for the dozens of small business owners along Morris Park Ave.

Number one on their list is parking tickets.

At a meeting called on Jan. 9, over 40 store owners met with community leaders in hopes of building a unified front to tackle issues many in the area fear could lead to the commercial strip’s downfall.

“It’s totally supportive. They need it desperately,” said John Fratta, district manager for Community Board 11.

While the addition of sidewalk cafes, new clothing stores and diverse shops would be a boon, all merchants had one beef: Ticketing of their customers by parking agents.

“Morris Park is getting killed by traffic agents,” said Fratta. “They have those people out there issuing 120 tickets a day. A customer gets a ticket, that person no longer comes to Morris Park. That person will be going to the malls in Westchester, where there’s parking.”

Clothing stores, especially well-known vendors, could provide an anchor to draw shoppers to the area between Williamsbridge Road and Bronxdale Ave., Fratta said.

“Most people now come to eat or get their nails done.”

But traffic agents deter any newcomers, he said. “Cookies [a school uniform store] wanted to come here. They looked at the traffic agents and changed their minds.”

Marco Muccitelli, owner of Marco’s Salumeria Leone caterer and deli, called the ticketing “absolutely insane.”

“People don’t even have two minutes to actually get out of their cars there and pick up a sandwich. They’re getting a $115 ticket for a $6 hero.”

Media And Advocacy Groups Agreed That He Was Dead

Meanwhile, somewhere a lowly factchecker pleads for his job:

There’s a plaque on Shore Road where bicyclist Ivan Morales was struck by an SUV nearly a year ago. After being hurled more than 30 feet in the air, his helmet split in half. So did his skull. The NYPD and news reports said he was dead.

This weekend, Time’s Up!, a bike advocacy group, organized a tour of sites throughout the city where cyclists were killed by motor vehicles. When News 12 broadcast a segment from the spot where Morales was killed, his fellow churchgoers were shocked.

Ivan Morales is alive and well and living in the Bronx.

“I was actually dead at one point,” the 62-year-old retired Metro-North computer analyst said yesterday. “In the ambulance, they said, there’s nothing we can do for this guy. What happened, by the grace of God, I came back.” He was in a coma for four days and didn’t remember anything about the Jan. 9, 2006, incident after waking.

No word on whether the plaque was returned.

Good Old American Competition

Observers were quick to blame the transfat ban for increased anxiety among the city’s food purveyors:

Kabeer Ahmad, 32, the proprietor of the Kennedy Fried Chicken shop at 868 Hunts Point Ave., was nabbed for allegedly torching the Twin Donut shop next door at 4 a.m. yesterday.

Ahmad confessed he set the fire because he was upset that the donut shop had started selling other food, including fried chicken, last month, sources said.

The doughnut store was gutted and Ahmad’s business damaged.

A new owner, Mike Chhor, had been set to take over the doughnut store yesterday.

Chhor, who paid $25,000 for the business, watched as it went up in flames.

Fire Marshals Michael Durkin and Robert Cristadoro reported finding a juice container and spray can that reeked of gasoline inside Ahmad’s restaurant. They also spotted a hole in the wall dividing the two shops.

Investigators said Ahmad had been complaining to other store owners about losing business to the doughnut shop. He was charged with arson.