Message To Axl: Corn Rows Are Perhaps Not The Best Hair Style For 44-Year-Old White Men

W. Axl Rose, doing his best Bill Clinton* with true talent like Sebastian Bach** and Lindsay Lohan***:

For those tracking lapsed eighties-metalhead friendships, Axl Rose and Skid Row’s Sebastian Bach’s playing the Hammerstein Ballroom last week is part of an official rapprochement. How’d it happen? “He just called me after thirteen years of not hearing from him,” Bach says. “He texted me, ‘Hey, Baz, it’s Axl. You still around New York?’ I’m like, who’s this fuckin’ texting me? I thought it was one of my buddies messin’ around, but he goes, ‘Hey, man, hahaha.’ He knows he’s blowing people’s minds coming back.” They’re making up for lost time. “We hit Butter a couple nights ago with Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Meadow Soprano [Jamie-Lynn Sigler], and Lance Bass.”

Axl, stay the hell out of my mental space!

* “Bill Clinton” = shorthand for clingy has-beens, as in Robert Sam Anson’s Death of a Salesman-like profile of Clinton in the June 2004 issue of Vanity Fair (written about here, reproduced here (.pdf)).
** I’m mostly serious about Sebastian Bach.
*** Post-“Mean Girls” I’m totally kidding.

Ironic, Because Everyone Knows The G Never Comes

The only thing worse than getting killed by a subway train while taking a leak is getting killed by a G train while doing that:

A man was struck dead by a train as he was using a Greenpoint subway tunnel as a toilet yesterday, police sources said.

The unidentified man was in the tube for the G line near the Greenpoint Avenue station relieving himself around 5:30 p.m. when an incoming Queens-bound train struck him.

Witnesses told cops they had seen an intoxicated man climb down into the tunnel shortly before the incident.

They Don’t Cause Trouble And They Work Long Hours

And this might be the only day off these guys will ever get:

In the restaurant business there’s an expression — “getting into the weeds” — when you find yourself in trouble, and yesterday, diner owner Nick Tsakomas admitted, “We got in the weeds a little.”

Normally, he schedules 15 people to work at his Pop Diner on Queens Boulevard in Elmhurst. But yesterday, three called in sick, and he had already agreed to let 10 others come in late or leave early so they could attend immigration rallies.

So Tsakomas, 43, got stuck making deliveries.

But Tsakomas, whose parents emigrated from Greece, sympathized with yesterday’s protest.

“I’m for it. They’re hardworking guys, especially the Spanish guys. They don’t cause trouble. They work long hours,” he said.

“To be honest, I couldn’t get a kid fresh out of high school to clean my toilet. These guys do it.”

That’s America!

The Jersey-born NYU student who got arrested for selling drugs on campus — the so-called “Bud Babe” — is parlaying her criminal past into a record deal:

Move over, J.Lo — the “Pot Princess” is angling to become a pop princess.

Julia Diaco, who got a slap on the wrist for selling drugs out of her NYU dorm room, is now pushing herself — as a pop singer named “J-Dia.”

“J-Dia may be one of the most controversial singers ever to hit the music scene. But with a mix of captivating beauty, brutal honesty, pure heart, raw pain, and overwhelming talent, this one is bound to captivate you and leave you wanting more,” reads the bio on her official Web site, which features several racy photos of the curvy criminal.

. . .

Diaco could have faced up to 25 years in prison had she been convicted at trial — but her site contends she actually got a bum rap. It calls the NYPD investigation “flawed” and says, “Reporters ran with the story, falsifying facts and attempting to portray her as something she most certainly was not.”

J-Dia also uses the arrest and publicity to promote herself, saying, “She quickly became known as one of the decade’s most infamous drug-dealers,” and “The American public was quickly captivated, infatuated with both the girl on television and the fascinating story behind her.

“J-Dia started a movement with the ludicrous arrest, and letters started pouring in, offering any help they had to give, and begging the DA for J-Dia’s pardon.”

Even though she’s still serving her probation, the site says, “She has since done her time, and has been set free to once and for all set the record straight, move forward, and fulfill her destiny.

“She is young, stunningly gorgeous, and overwhelmingly talented.”

The site says she has a deal with a company called Forget About It Records, and it features a number of J-Dia’s songs, including ones called “Free,” “High” and “New York.”

It also says the singer with “a heart of gold” has embarked on “an admirable mission to house the homeless, feed the hungry, and dispel all notions of suffering.”

Lyrics go something like this:

My name is J-Dia and I’m here to say
Selling rich kids drugs is a wicked way
To make it in this world — but that’s not
To say the Post still don’t think I’m hot
Haters cluck, “She was upper-middle class, theoretically smart”
But Motherfuckers, I have a singing career I need to start!
So yeah, I got caught, I got a slap on the wrist
And everything I do makes ex-con Anthony Papa pissed

Which is to say:

One person not impressed with Diaco’s latest act is ex-con Anthony Papa. Papa, 51, wrote to Diaco after seeing her comments on her MySpace profile and attempted to enlist her in his campaign to overturn the state’s Rockefeller drug laws.

He got an e-mail back from one of Diaco’s producers, who said his client was too high and mighty to help.

“We support your cause and wish you luck, but in NO way do we condone you using a young talented girl, full of promise, as the poster child of what’s wrong with America,” the response read.

Papa still thinks it’s the least she can do.

“Crime has been very, very good to her,” he said.

Previously on J-Dia.

Avert your eyes.

Party On

TWU Local 100 President Roger Toussaint reports to jail (“. . . he’ll have to live on the jail’s schedule of 5 a.m. wakeups and 11 p.m. lockdowns, as well as random searches and jailhouse food — like the hot dogs and baked beans that await him . . .”), but not before commemorating the event last Friday:

“Now I’m going on vacation,” a surprisingly jovial Toussaint declared to the crowd of more than 100 supporters gathered at the Midtown offices of the powerful health-care union Local 1199.

Toussaint and his fans were treated to an elaborate spread of Spanish and Italian food on balloon-adorned tables. DJ Willove mixed reggae from the TWU boss’ native Trinidad with electronic and pop tunes that lured the big man onto the dance floor.

The alcohol flowed at the open-bar party, which kicked off at about 6 p.m., and plenty of the labor-loving supporters stumbled out late into the night.

“It was a good crowd,” DJ Willove said after the music was turned off at 10:30 p.m.

The Post witnessed Toussaint — sporting a huge grin and dressed in a union-monogrammed polo shirt — dancing before a reporter was kicked out.

“His spirits are good. He’s ready to go,” said one happy reveler.

And that was only the beginning:

Roger Toussaint spent his last day of freedom drinking and dining around Brooklyn with fellow union officials and supporters.

Union toughs stood guard at the entrances of a restaurant and a tavern in Boerum Hill while the TWU boss was inside.

The Trinidad native feasted on a lunch of curried chicken, accompanied by rice and beans and spicy cabbage at the West Indian home-style favorite Stir It Up on Atlantic Avenue.

“Are you looking to get hit?” one of the toughs yelled as a Post photographer and reporter tried to enter the restaurant.

Earlier, Toussaint enjoyed a glass of Merlot with about eight pals at the dive bar — and union hangout — Hank’s Saloon.

The Post describes what awaits Toussaint in the pokey:

No orange jumpsuits are necessary, as inmates are permitted to wear their own clothes — although he might opt for something more casual than his usual suit. He will have his own 6-by-8-foot cell, which is locked only from 11 p.m. until 4 a.m., Department of Correction spokesman Mike Saucier said.

A breakfast of cereal, fruit, bread and jam is served at 4:30 a.m. Lunch and dinner feature heartier fare, such as chicken, potatoes and pasta.

Toussaint will have access to the basketball and handball courts and the weight room for an hour each day. Alternatively, he can study the Taylor Law in the library.

Ouch!