Pre-Game Remarks On The Occasion Of The Final U12 Boys Game Of The Season

Orangutans! It has been an honor and privilege to ride alongside you this season. I just have a couple of things I want to say–just a few reminders, really–and I'll keep this brief.

Boys, we won some amazing matches and lost some real heartbreakers. There were celebrations and tears. And then there was week three–which was NOT ANY ONE PERSON'S FAULT! Boys, last week was rough, but let's take back "composure" and "resilience" from the sociopaths and FINISH THE SEASON STRONG.

We made mighty progress in playing together as a team and also how to make SMART CHOICES. I mean, this isn't Wirecutter–no cordless stick vacuum is perfect–but there are correct and less-correct ways to read defenses and now you've got the tools! And–as any good producer knows–that comes with a thin veneer of agency.

So, like we've worked on, let's keep Armpit FC–or whatever they're calling themselves this week–honest by building it out of the back early on. Goalies, first look is to your centerbacks, then centerbacks, pass wide to the fullbacks on the touch line. NOTHING IN THE MIDDLE! Whether it's school, east or age, nothing ever good happens when you're mixing it up in the middle. Stay WIDE, like World-of-Sports wide, and stretch out that defense. You'll make mistakes, and that's OK, but you need to be on the same page when it comes to the second child. I may get in trouble for that, but Coach here will back me up on that one.

Throw-ins: first look goes down the line to the winger or the striker. Next option is your center defensive mid, who is set up directly across from you. Third option is back to the centerback position, where we can switch it back for an overload down the opposite side of the field. WHICH IS TO SAY, you have OPTIONS, some more risky than others, but don't worry because we've worked hard this season to prevent any one player from doing too much. Just don't play on top of one another. LESS YERTLE, MORE FOX–except instead of socks, soccer socks. And turf shoes. And please dear Lord, let us make it just ONE WEEK without someone forgetting their shin guards.

Boys, COMMUNICATE! Talk to each other like everyone just finished All Fours. Because we don't want Doink FC–or whatever they're calling themselves this week–picking our pockets. And they sure as heck can't be going through our garbage, because if I've said it once, I've repeated myself a hundred times: BOTTLE DEPOSITS ARE REDUNDANT WHEN THE CITY ALREADY MANDATES RECYCLING. Meaning what? Meaning defenders: pair up, play off of each other's shoulders–it's like we always say, once the car's up on the roof you can't really do all that much to get it back down.

Boys–and listen to me now–when we have the ball in the corner, CENTER IT but also HIT YOUR MARK! Striker goes near post, opposite wing goes far post and the attacking mid ends up at the penalty mark. Good: swing it in. Better: find the open man. Best: find the open space and let the open man fill it. It's the same with corners. And the country's best yogurt. Remember what I tell you and then repeat the mantra: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED? Especially when Saxon words are significantly more economical and appreciably more efficient than their Latinate equivalents. All of which is to say, there IS a wrong time of day to use a public restroom–but the trick is finding those spots.

This season we prioritized competence while making room for incompetence. Also, timing is key! Make runs but stay onside! We don't choreograph plays–this ain't no country two-step–but if you get into the right spot, good things can happen. BE READY–but also know that you've got to work your way up to neck tattoos. It's like your older cousin might tell you, lean in but watch for the cue–because a perfectly executed cross is a thing of beauty–right there alongside plus-ones and physical expressions of love with a committed, conventionally attractive partner.

Finally, remember–GOOD DEFENSE: Closest man closes in fast, stays low, keeps to the side. Stick to your man like a dog's brothy tang on a hot summer hydrant, and when it's right, dig the ball out like so much unwanted hair. Tweezers have stories to tell. And for God's sake, make like it's Easter and BEND YOUR KNEES. Because whether you're playing soccer, football or even good 'ol jouer de foot, bending your knees is the real secret skill move.

Boys, a lot of this stuff is on YouTube–most everything is really–so be curious but cautious, brave but guarded, bold not unemboldened. Lorem ipsum–LOREN IPSUM!–but MOST OF ALL, and LET US BE CLEAR, the best goal is when we HAVE FUN. Now LET'S GO, and may we lay waste to Crash and Burn FC–or whatever they're calling themselves this week.

Balls The Size Of Rhode Island

Alex Myers' Revolutionary is a work of historical fiction about Deborah Sampson, who, while passing as a man, fought in the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War. The historical basis for the book is a remarkable enough story — in her time she became a minor celebrity and went on to serve as a proto-feminist figure in an unlikely era.

The hook here is that the author himself is transgender, lending a sort of standing on which to base the story. Indeed, Revolutionary is at its best when Myers — one assumes — draws from his experience to access the inner thoughts of someone transitioning to the opposite gender: the first inklings, the realizations, the moments when she becomes he are intimate details that usually go unseen but which are set into relief by this wonderful historical story. There's a moment somewhere between chapters seven and eight where Deborah becomes Robert in the text; there's a humanity and depth in this small difference that is elucidated by the author's biographical details. Similarly, there is a heavy and powerful moment later in the book (spoiler . . .) when Deborah's true nature is revealed to one of her fellow soldiers and the depiction of the resulting love affair transcends what you might expect had the author not been transgender; it's not only powerful but serves as a fascinating insight; my own prejudices about historical fiction circle back to the idea that depictions tend to "tell" more than "show" — in this particular moment the telling seems to work. Overall, however, the tension Revolutionary creates in portraying Deborah's incredibly fraught disguise is deft and leaves the reader continually unsettled; it's a smart, dramatic tension that stays taut until the story finally resolves.

That said, I've always had a block with reading historical fiction, and I think it has to do with not only the danger of anachronism but specifically in overlaying a current perspective on actual figures. Not that it's a problem to do but as a reader it is hard to find a foothold into the thoughts and motivations of historical figures. Even in the book itself, the epilogue — which finds Sampson years later living as a woman, far from her cross-dressed past — almost negates the exotic feelings that the Robert version of Deborah seemed to explore. In this sense, Revolutionary comes across as a kind of fan fiction (as someone in the book club pointed out).

One last somewhat small critique: the Drunk History version of Deborah Sampson is not nearly as lyrical as Revolutionary but does share the testicle joke groaners, which is a little surprising — page 148: "Robert held back his own laughter, thinking that, for Matthew's sake, he very much hoped [Matthew's balls] were bigger" . . . we get it . . .

Jesus With Guns

I can't possibly be the only one who read Octavia E. Butler's Parable of the Sower and thought the story's pro-gun messaging even outweighed the book's labored New Testament allusions. This isn't obvious? Or if Butler had a different message, I'm not sure what it would be.

That's not to put down Sower — I liked it very much — but guns were such a part of the book that it was hard not to think about them. The Walking Dead came to mind while reading Parable — Dead owes a lot to Sower in the tone and tenor and in the way both groups of characters struggle to restart society after their respective mass calamities (guns and weaponry figure prominently in Dead, too).