Russell Crowe On Steroids

God help anyone who has a story about them that includes this telling detail:

It was not the first time Ms. Campbell had been accused of injuring an employee with a telephone.

He Could Have Paid For Any Piece Of Tuchus On The Planet

Referring to the underage girl your client is accused of raping as a “skank” is a novel approach:

“My client made $500,000 a year,” the defense lawyer, Howard Greenberg, said after a Manhattan Supreme Court appearance for James Colliton, who is being held without bail. Colliton was a tax attorney for Cravath, Swaine and Moore, a top Midtown law firm.

“He had the wherewithal to pay for any piece of tuchus on the planet,” Greenberg continued. “And he paid that skank?”

Backstory: It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp Mom; There’s Always Something A Little Off With Tax Attorneys.

You Can Feel It When You Touch A Playa’s Hand

Hizzoner announced that VH1 will host its annual Hip Hop Honors in New York, providing a convenient opportunity to front with his homeboys Ice-T and Russell Simmons:

“That’s c-o-o-l,” Mayor Bloomberg told reporters at City Hall yesterday after he was given the title by rapper/actor Ice-T.

Bloomberg, surrounded by Ice-T and hip-hop entrepreneur Russell Simmons, announced New York City will once again host VH1’s Hip Hop Honors. He tried his best to fit in as just another homeboy from the ‘hood — albeit one with a few billion dollars.

“Welcome to City Hall, or my crib, as I like to call it,” Bloomberg said to laughter. “Not everybody here understands our language.”

Groan.

“Where else could you have Hip-Hop Week but in New York City,” Bloomberg said, rattling off a list of local notables, ranging from Simmons, of Hollis, Queens, to “me, Mike B,” from Manhattan.

He got high praise from Simmons, who endorsed his 2005 mayoral reelection, and Ice-T, a star of “Law and Order: SVU,” who said he was surprised by the invite to City Hall.

“My people said Bloomberg’s cool,” Ice-T said as Bloomberg smiled and blushed.

“On the street, I think that’s the highest accolade he could ever achieve. When we showed up and I met him, I felt it too. You can feel it when you touch a playa’s hand.”

No! Please make it stop!

Backstory: It Could Be Just Me, But The Mayor Is Probably The Last Person I’d Want To Rap About; Mayor Mike: Rockin’ the Mic Left and Right.

Smut Stompers, Johns And Bags Of Blow — Sounds Like The Greatest Episode Of NYPD Blue Ever!

You don’t often find ledes like these nowadays:

Last week, District Attorney Richard A. Brown’s office led a team of smut-stompers into questionable social clubs in Jamaica and South Jamaica. When the dust cleared, they emerged with multiple suspects in tow, charged with soliciting prostitution, possession of deadly weapons, and concealing a bag of blow. Overall, the DA’s office had a good night.

The Perverted Chess Match And Its $600,000 Stake

Until recently zoning laws in Staten Island allowed for two 15-foot-wide two-story houses to be built on one lot, leading some to wonder what to do with that giant pleather sectional:

Horrified Staten Island residents are living next to two homes under construction that are just 15 feet wide, but twice as tall as most houses in the neighborhood.

The two-story structures — jammed onto one lot — are strikingly out of place on a suburban Jefferson Ave. block in Grant City dotted with low-rise homes, neighbors gripe.

It’s also the latest example of what critics call the overdevelopment of the boroughs.

“Most of the houses here are ranches. Then you have these huge monstrosities built on top of us,” said Susan Fontano, an unhappy neighbor of the two new houses.

“We’re suffering. This has to come down,” said next-door neighbor Ivan Valic. “They built their bay windows on the side facing our house. I feel like I’m in a sardine can.”

The city agrees the houses are wildly inappropriate.

Even so, because the plans met zoning regulations when they were submitted in October, they were approved and are legal. Zone rules that would have prevented the buildings from going up went into effect in December.

. . .

“This is a perverted chess match,” said City Councilman James Oddo (R-S.I.). “This is a very ingenious industry. They’ve made money, and they are always looking to maximize their profits.”

The developer of the Jefferson Ave. homes defended the structures — and himself.

“I’m not doing anything wrong,” said builder Ely Reiss. “If they want to change the zoning, that’s what they should do.”

Reiss said the homes will likely be listed for more than $600,000 each.