Let’s Return The Competitive Eating Championship Where It Belongs: The Good ‘Ol Girth-Loving U. S. Of A.

A promising young American is poised to reclaim the competitive eating mantle in the world-famous Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest:

Joey Chestnut, a journeyman on the competitive-eating circuit, stunned the world — and maybe put a scare into five-time world hot dog–eating champion Takeru Kobayashi — by setting a new American record just two months before the annual July 4 contest at Nathan’s in Coney Island.

“This is the greatest thing to happen in the history of American sports,” said Richard Shea, president of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, the governing body of all stomach-centered sports.

“Chestnut’s accomplishment may change the course of a nation.”

. . .

As a result of nearly a decade of Japanese domination at our national pastime on our national holiday, many Americans believe that the Mustard Yellow International Belt will always be worn by a foreigner.