The Million Tree Mafia Always Gets Its Way

And there’s nothing you can do to stop them:

“Don’t worry, they won’t put another tree there,” a very nice city official assured her.

With that pledge, Smith had the pit paved over at her own expense. She was understandably surprised to see a small bulldozer with a pavement-busting attachment take up position there Friday morning.

“What are you doing?” Smith inquired from her front door.

“We’re putting in a tree,” the man in charge said.

“I didn’t ask for a tree,” Smith said. “I told them I didn’t want a tree there. Put it somewhere else.”

“This is going here,” the man said.

“I don’t want a tree there!” Smith exclaimed. “Who’s going to rake the leaves?”

A particularly good-hearted neighbor, Nancy Cardozo, approached and attempted to intervene.

“She doesn’t want a tree,” Cardozo noted.

“Sorry, I have the contract and I have a big payroll,” the man replied. “I have to put the tree there.”

The man’s tone remained remarkably amiable, even though Cardozo positioned herself in a way that might impede the work.

“You can have the tree moved later,” he offered.

“Wouldn’t it make more sense just to put it where we want it?” Cardozo inquired.

“No, this is what I have to do,” he said.

Cardozo dialed 311 from her cell phone. An operator informed her the city owns the sidewalk and has the right to put a tree there.

“Who’s responsible if somebody slips on the leaves?” Cardozo inquired.

“The homeowner,” the operator replied.

The operator then connected Cardozo to somebody in the Parks Department who did not answer. Cardozo left a message that would not get a reply.

Meanwhile, the man in charge was on his own cell phone to the Parks Department forestry office. He handed his phone to Cardozo.

“The tree’s going in,” an instantly nasty forestry guy told Cardozo. “There’s nothing she can do about it.”

Cardozo inquired if perhaps the work could be suspended until Smith spoke to the city.

“Do you want me to send the police and have you arrested?” the forestry guy responded.

“No, thank you, but I would like you to give me your name,” Cardozo said.

“I need you to move,” the forestry guy said.

“I need you to tell me your name,” Cardozo insisted.

“You’ll find out my name soon enough,” the forestry guy said.

Hahahahahaha!

In honor of Bike Month, the police have started to crack down on bicyclists running red lights:

Police cracked down on rule-breaking bicyclists in Fort Greene and Clinton Hill last Friday, issuing tickets for running red lights and then slapping offenders with additional summonses for minor infractions, including one bicyclist who didn’t have a bell.

The dragnet snared 36 bicyclists on the popular DeKalb Avenue bike lane that links the two neighborhoods with Downtown Brooklyn.

Cops said the crackdown was long overdue.

“It was targeted towards enforcing traffic laws,” said a police source from the 88th Precinct. “Running a red light is not safe for the cyclist or anyone else in the street.”

The ticket blitz is a bitter irony for bikers who have complained since the lane’s creation last year that vehicles, including officers at the 88th Precinct stationhouse near the corner of Classon Avenue, but especially delivery trucks, regularly block the lane with parked cars along the busy corridor.

Or are bike lanes actually a backdoor way to balance the budget? Hmm . . .

Band Of Vikings On Loose In Greenpoint

And they have cans of spray paint:

Even ardent neo-Nazis would have a hard time figuring out the bizarre graffiti cops are investigating in Greenpoint, Brooklyn (above). It seems to be written in an obscure alphabet by someone interested in obscure occult ideas that inspired some of Adolf Hitler’s followers.

The characters in the peculiar graffiti tags look like runes, the ancient alphabets of pre-Roman tribes in central and northern Europe. Some people associate runes with magical powers.

One tag says: “Das Geheinns der Runen,” German for “The Secret of the Runes,” a book by Guido von List, an Austrian occultist of the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

Another Answer To The Eternal Mystery Of How Young Hipsters Afford To Live The Lifestyle They Live In New York City

They grift! Or as Kari Ferrell might explain it had you run into her, “I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall”:

It’s likely that when Kari Ferrell walked into the Vice magazine offices in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, last month to interview for an administrative assistant job, they thought they’d hit the jackpot. Ms. Ferrell — petite, 22 years old, of Korean heritage — had a huge tattoo of a dragon across her chest and a cute pixie haircut. She was talkative, funny, charming, adorable. She had a tattoo on her back that read “I Love Beards.” She told them she’d been working for the New York office of the concert promotion company GoldenVoice, which puts on huge rock festivals like Coachella near Palm Springs, Calif., and that she’d moved to New York from Utah just a few months earlier. They hired her on the spot.

A few days later, one of Ms. Ferrell’s new colleagues came by her desk. “I said, ‘Excuse me, miss, is [her boss] downstairs?'” the 29-year-old told The Observer. “She thought that was very polite that I said, ‘Excuse me, miss,’ and after that she started talking to me, instant-messaging me. She asked if I was from the South. I told her no. It escalated from there.”

Within the space of a half-hour, Ms. Ferrell was peppering him with questions about his sexual history — how many women he’d slept with and so on. “She was coming on to me, and I was super into it for the first part of it,” he said. “I realized I could have fun after work — but then I was like, ‘Let me check this girl out.'” He Googled her. Up popped a photo of his flirtatious new co-worker on the Salt Lake City Police Department’s Most Wanted list, wanted on five different warrants, including passing $60,000 in bad checks, forgery and retail theft.

In Vigilante Delicto

I thought stuff like this only happened in Philly:

A convicted child molester was found naked and bleeding behind a Brooklyn building — a victim of sexual self-mutilation, police sources said.

“How he did it? Limber, I guess. Not the work of a sane mind,” a police source said.

Sources said that Damiene Iriarte, 26, was found in Fort Greene with the tip of his penis bitten off. He was taken to Brooklyn Hospital Center.

Iriarte was arrested in Suffolk County in 2003 and charged with raping a 13-year-old girl, according to court records.