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Whatever Happened To Predictability — The Milk Man, The Paper Boy, Evening TV — How Did I Get To Living Here, Somebody Tell Me Please

Mary-Kate, with blood on her hands:

Pint-size actress Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to be interviewed by federal investigators probing the accidental drug death of her close friend Heath Ledger unless she receives immunity from prosecution, The Post has learned.

The actress’ lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his SoHo apartment in January.

Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky “Full House” actress to tell them whatever she knows about the “Dark Knight” star’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.

Posted: August 4th, 2008 | Filed under: Celebrity, Just Horrible

Goot In New York 2: Goot On The Gank

Citizens of New York City, welcome Brooklyn-born Steve Guttenberg back to the east coast:

About two years ago, Steve Guttenberg walked into the showbiz haunt Crustacean on Santa Monica Boulevard in Beverly Hills.

“I walked in and the maitre d’ made a big deal for me,” said Mr. Guttenberg. The Goot — as he’s known to his friends — appreciated the show. To hear him tell it, eating in public in Los Angeles is a dangerous business for an actor whose last box office hit was Three Men and a Baby in 1987.

“All of a sudden, the maitre d’ says, ‘Get out of the way!'” said Mr. Guttenberg. “And they literally threw me to the side and Tom Cruise came in. And he sat Tom Cruise and said, ‘I’m so sorry, but you know, Tom Cruise.’ And I’m like, ‘Holy fuck.'”

So after three decades in L.A., he bought a place on the Upper West Side. “I came to New York to find a better life,” he said. Uprooting took some time. The 15-year-old golden retriever he loved dearly was old and sick; the golden died a month ago. So two weeks ago, the wavy-haired, Brooklyn-born 49-year-old actor, who describes his career as a “32-year-overnight success,” finally made it back to New York City.

. . .

Mr. Guttenberg was wearing a starched white V-neck, a pair of black aviators hooked at the V, distressed jeans ripped at the knee, and some Wallabees. Textbook Hollywood-casual.

“I turned around, and took a good look at myself, and I didn’t like what I saw,” he continued. “I started to lose some of my values. Hollywood is a place where people spend more than they make to impress people they don’t like, who don’t care anyway. And I have a certain weakness of character, and I’m at this point in my life, I’m not strong enough to live there.

“I pop out of bed at 6:30. And I say my prayers, and every day have a little hot water and lemon, that’s my start,” he said. “And I go take a run in Central Park.” The other day, he met an attractive female jogger. Got her digits. They went on a date. Didn’t work out, but last Thursday he took a blond Cornell grad to the Water Club.

“Nothing sexier than a smart woman,” he said. “The Goot is on the loose.”

. . .

The Goot does have his vices.

“I indulge in wine, and I love vodka, I do,” he said. “And I love scotch, you know. And I love weed. And I love women. And I do have, you know, those … Addiction is such an overused word. Addiction is just someone famous walking around the street. It’s so whacked out, but I think that there are certainly times that I use money to make me feel better.” A couple years ago, he got in a big fight with his mom, and he bought her a $25,000 diamond necklace.

“If I feel lousy, I’ll do what the next president of the United States did: smoke a joint,” he said. “It’s documented in his book. I’ll go into a bar and down two beers. I’ll go out with women, because it’ll make me feel better. Women that I shouldn’t be around, but maybe they’ll make me feel better.”

Posted: July 16th, 2008 | Filed under: Celebrity, Things That Make You Go "Oy"

Arms Folded, Scowl, Harrumph

So that’s how it works:

At this moment, 30 Rock-star and SNL alum Tina Fey is speaking at the Fieldston School’s graduation ceremonies.

. . .

How did Fieldston manage to snag the movie star for the high school commencement assignment? No one’s saying, but it seems worth noting that Upper West Side Fey’s daughter, Alice Zenobia Richmond, turns 3 in September, putting her theoretically in line for a spot at one of New York’s prestigious private schools.

Posted: June 13th, 2008 | Filed under: Celebrity, Class War, Follow The Money

You Weren’t The Only One Who Thought Closer Was Tedious And Overwrought

There’s a scenario for some fetishist here somewhere:

She may be an international movie star, but this impudent pooch can’t tell the difference between Natalie Portman and a fire hydrant.

The “Star Wars” cutie was the unfortunate victim of a surprise soaking as she dropped by a downtown dog run.

Portman, who has been spotted in the West Village in recent days with her bearded boyfriend, Venezuelan-born folk singer Devendra Banhart, was walking her dog with him yesterday when the brazen piddling took place.

While she was getting a pup’s-eye view of the surroundings from ground level, another stroller’s frisky pet raised its hind leg, relieved itself right on her shoes — and then ambled on its way.

Posted: April 22nd, 2008 | Filed under: Celebrity

O No! I Can’t Stop Looking!

I don’t know what it means, but I don’t like it:

On Sunday, March 2, the Russian & Turkish Baths on East 10th Street in the East Village was living up to its history of hosting damp celebrities such as Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, Jennifer Lopez and John Belushi. . . .

. . .

. . . Sean Lennon, two topless young women and Mr. Lennon’s mother, Yoko Ono, stole the show. They were in the Russian Room, sweating it up.

“Sean was pouring water over Yoko’s head,” reported a witness, who was sitting among the packed crowd in the room, which is essentially a giant oven. “She recoiled momentarily when he poured the ice cold water, but soon began enjoying it. She was sitting down with a towel around her head. She was wearing one of the bath-issue togas.”

Mr. Lennon and his two female friends were standing in the middle of the room.

“They were massaging each other’s boobs suggestively,” the source said of the young ladies. “Sean was sweating like crazy. The two girls he was with were like 19, pretty hot, and he was making out with one of them.” Mama Ono did not seem to notice.

Posted: March 13th, 2008 | Filed under: Celebrity, Dude, That's So Weird, Manhattan
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