“Nobody Knows What Modest Mouse’s Bassist Looks Like”

The Daily News’ primer on party crashing is out — an example of lemonade?

Helpful terms describing the four types of gatecrashers:

• Slip-Ins: “They just wait at a door until someone well known appears – say DeNiro and Streisand at the “Meet the Fockers” premiere. When the cameras flash and organizers are distracted, they dodge in behind Bob ‘n’ Babs.”
• Fakers: “Rather than claiming to be Kidman or Cruise, they’re always B-listers like ‘Charlie’s Angels’ weirdo Crispin Glover or fashion icon Hamish Bowles.”
• Don’t You Knows: “Less artful,” Don’t You Knows’ “every loud sentence begins with that phrase. Always hysterical, they’ll erupt when questioned at the door as if their very honor has been insulted.”
• P.I.s (Presumed Inviteds): The rarest, “these socialites and high rollers simply presume an invitation was lost in the mail – rather than that they weren’t wanted.”

Do’s and Don’ts include:

Don’t dress to impress. It just looks like you’re trying too hard. Instead, stick with a black dress and one killer accessory, like this season’s hot bag or a great big ring. “Keep your makeup minimal – most of the fashion crowd wear very little makeup and look slightly windblown – and act bored on the outside, internally amused,” says Cutrone.

Don’t turn up in a limo. These days, real VIPs roll up in Humvees or Range Rovers.

. . .

Don’t claim to be Chris Martin. Better to say you’re a different member of Coldplay. “The really good way of doing this is saying you’re a guitarist, not the lead singer, in a hot band,” says event planner Nancy Kane. “Nobody knows what Modest Mouse’s bassist looks like.”

Do double-fist those drinks. Crashers are always by the bar. “They’re not very clever – usually you’ll see them all clustered together there,” says P.R. exec James LaForce.

New York Post: Piazza Not Gay, Getting Married to Prove It

Not only is Mike Piazza not gay but, as the Post reports, he’s getting married, which should settle all that nonsense, so to speak:

Mike Piazza is getting hitched.

The Mets catcher is walking down the aisle with his longtime girl friend, “Baywatch” babe and former Playmate Alicia Rickter, in Miami during the last weekend in January, sources said yesterday.

. . .

The marriage should finally put an end to those unfounded rumors that Piazza is a switch hitter. During the 2002 season, the perennial All-Star called an unprecedented news conference to explicitly state he is not gay.

“The truth is that I’m heterosexual and date women,” he said.

[Another Playmate, Darlene] Bernaola, the former Playmate of the Millennium [one of a “bevy of babes” Piazza was “known to have homered with”], knew it all along.

“Our sex life was very, very healthy,” she said at the time.

More about the bride:

The beautiful brunette was a Killian’s beer spokesmodel at the time [the two met], while Piazza was often seen around town with beautiful women.

. . .

The two are self-described homebodies — and metalheads, who love hard rock — although Piazza sometimes hits the clubs as hard as he hits baseballs.

He used to be a regular at 14th Street hotspot Lotus until Mets players started boycotting it after one of the team’s second-stringers was refused entrance.

Best wishes to Piazza!

Grandstanding, or The Bird Stays

Just to update loyal readers about the fate of Pale Male, the red-tailed hawk recently evicted from its perch on the facade of 927 Fifth Avenue, a deal has been brokered and the bird will be staying. And Mary Tyler Moore comes out looking good:

A week after it removed a red-tailed hawk’s nest from its facade and was met by a storm of protest, a Fifth Avenue co-op building agreed yesterday to requests by the Audubon Society to help the hawks rebuild.

But the agreement came on a day of heightened tension outside 927 Fifth Avenue, the sumptuous co-op where the hawks have roosted on a perch overlooking Central Park for 11 years. The co-op is also home to some of the biggest names in New York society.

This surprising turn of events comes as a Pale Male supporter was arrested for harassing Paula Zahn, whose husband, in his capacity as president of the co-op, was blamed for Pale Male’s eviction:

With negotiations taking place inside, those protesting the removal of the nest continued their vigil across Fifth Avenue in Central Park. One of them, Lincoln Karim, an engineer, was arrested on charges of aggravated harassment, stalking and endangering the welfare of a child.

Mr. Karim, who was being held last night at the 19th Precinct station house, was accused of approaching the television newscaster Paula Zahn and her family, who live in the building, on several occasions, the police said. At one point he told Ms. Zahn’s 7-year-old son, “Your parents are going to pay for this,” according to law enforcement officials with knowledge of the case. Officials said that encounter occurred on Monday outside the building as the boy and his nanny were walking his dog.

Which is where Mary Tyler Moore comes in:

The arrest of Mr. Karim prompted a swift response by another of the co-op’s many celebrity residents, Mary Tyler Moore, who has publicly allied herself with the protesters. Soon after Mr. Karim was approached by four detectives and driven away, Ms. Moore and her husband, the Manhattan cardiologist Robert Levine, hailed a cab and drove to the 19th Precinct station house to assist Mr. Karim, although they were not aware of the charges against him, according to Marie Winn, a Manhattan writer, bird watcher and friend of Ms. Moore’s who joined in the cab ride. . . .

“Mary Tyler Moore was magnificent,” Ms. Winn said. When she was unable to speak with Mr. Karim and determine the charges against him, Ms. Moore returned to speak to a group of about 40 protesters who remained opposite 927 Fifth Avenue.

She was greeted by loud applause, and thanked her fellow demonstrators. “That applause is the best applause I have received in my life,” Ms. Moore said, according to two people who were present.

I can’t be the first one to wonder whether a Law & Order is coming on . . .

Bonus Point: Pale Male: Bring Back the Nest!

Paula Zahn vs. Pale Male

New details are emerging in the eviction of Pale Male, the red-tailed hawk whose nest was removed from the facade of 927 Fifth Avenue. The Post doesn’t disappoint with its turns of phrase, headlining the story, “Poultry in Motion.”

Apparently Pale Male is looking for new digs, eyeing in particular the Carlyle Hotel (oh, that it were this easy to move in New York!)

There’s been much interest in the co-op board’s decision to take down the nest. As it involves the wealthy and sometimes famous, there’s a healthy dose of Fuck-the-Rich Schadenfreude, too, which is always fun. And Mary Tyler Moore comes out looking good in the end:

A homeless hawk evicted from his posh nest at a Fifth Avenue co-op was spotted checking out even more expensive real-estate yesterday — as government officials and conservation groups tried to mediate the flap [good one!].

“Pale Male,” who built his nest at 927 Fifth Avenue back in 1993, was unceremoniously dispossessed along with his girlfriend, “Lola,” by the co-op’s board — which is headed by the real estate developer Richard Cohen, the husband of CNN anchor Paula Zahn.

A Zahn rep said she had nothing to do with the decision and “can’t speak for her husband.”

But another celebrity tenant, Mary Tyler Moore, put the blame squarely on Cohen.

Asked who was responsible for the decision, the TV legend and animal lover replied, “As you can judge from any board of directors, there is a chair. It’s not that complicated.”

Although Moore would like a see a compromise allowing the hawks to return, she said she was not going to be the one to approach Cohen.

“Quite frankly, I’m so angry, I would not want to put myself in that situation,” she said.

Other tenants in the exclusive building refused to comment.

“If they talk to the press, the wrath of Mr. Cohen will come down on them,” speculated one building worker. But some deals are under consideration.

They include welcoming the birds back to 927 Fifth and enticing them across the street to Central Park. But Pale Male may have his own ideas.

He was spotted flying above Madison Avenue, checking out the Carlyle Hotel for a new pied a terre to share with Lola.

Moore’s fellow tenants said they objected to the birds because they tried to jam twigs between the bricks, possibly weakening the building’s façade.

And more importantly, the hawks attracted gawkers with binoculars who, they feared, were looking into windows when the hawks’ activities were not exciting enough.

They also complained the hawks killed pigeons, whose bodies littered the sidewalk below.

For the last several days, though, the sidewalk has been taken over by noisy protesters, including Moore.

Several dozen of them gathered yesterday in front of the 12-story turn-of-the-century building, yelling, “Bring back the nest!” and waving signs saying, “Ebeneezer Zahn.”

Moore emerged to cheers of support before disappearing into her limo. She later came back to join the demonstration.

“Those lousy people should all drop dead except Mary Tyler Moore,” said Jennifer Anderson, who lives nearby.

“Now that winter’s coming, they take down the nest. I think these people are very much interested in themselves and don’t care about anyone or anything,” she said.

U.S. Fish and Wildlife officials are trying to work out a solution.

They are speaking to the board’s representatives about building the birds their own “co-op” to keep them off the ledge they used.

They suggest putting up a special platform that the birds could build their nest on without damaging the bricks.

Cohen referred inquiries to the co-op’s lawyer, Aaron Shmulewitz, who insisted the board is now open to discussion.

“If one of these proposals is raised to the board, the board will consider it in due course and in good faith,” he said.

Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe has another idea — he’s exploring the possibility of building a nesting spot in Central Park.

That “may be a good idea,” said John Bianchi of the National Audubon Society.

“We don’t know if it will work or not. But this bird will pick where it’s going to nest,” Bianchi said. “It doesn’t matter if you necessarily create some attractive options.”

But the best solution, said E.J. McAdams of New York City Audubon, would be to allow the birds to return to their own home on the ledge.

Bonus Points: Gawker on which heartless souls (except for Mary Tyler Moore!) live at 927 Fifth Avenue; Curbed on the same.

Forced Eviction for Squatters!

Pale Male, the famous red-tailed hawk who nested on a building on Fifth Avenue overlooking Central Park, is being kicked out. The building’s residents (some of them, anyway) objected to the pigeon carcasses and hawk poop, so Pale Male’s nest has been removed:

A nest constructed a decade ago by red-tailed hawks 12 stories above Central Park, creating an unlikely wildlife habitat that has delighted bird lovers from around the world, was removed yesterday, apparently by workers for its host co-op apartment building.

City officials and naturalists reacted with anger, even though there appeared to be little legal recourse for the nest’s destruction.

Experts said that the fate of a family of uncommonly large and resilient birds, which have reproduced prolifically from the nest, had been thrown into doubt. So was that of the nest’s most famous red-tailed resident, Pale Male, who arrived at the building in 1993 and, according to detailed records kept by several bird-watchers, has sired 23 youngsters.

“I am so outraged that they would do this without so much as a by your leave,” said Mary Tyler Moore, who has lived for 15 years in the co-op at 927 Fifth Avenue, at 74th Street, where the nest was built in 1993 above a cornice in clear view of Central Park.

“These birds just kept coming back to the edge of the building, and people kept coming back to see them,” said Ms. Moore, who recalled at first craning her neck outside one of her windows to look up at the bottom of the nest. In more recent years, she said, she has strolled frequently across Fifth Avenue to Central Park for a better view.

“This was something we like to talk about: a kinder, gentler world, and now it’s gone,” Ms. Moore said last night.

Exactly why the nest was destroyed was unclear. A man who answered a call to 927 Fifth Avenue’s management office last night said no one was available for comment.

But Ms. Moore said other residents of the building had objected to large bird droppings and, occasionally, the carcasses of pigeons – which hawks prey upon – that landed on the sidewalk in front of their lobby. She said her husband had attended a recent co-op board meeting, and had been informed of its all-but-unanimous decision to remove the nest, even though he had objected to the move.