What If The Problem Is Us?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Property owners are finally taking a stand against disgusting dog owners who think it’s perfectly reasonable to allow their animals to defecate where people sit:

As new residents move in to the predominantly commercial area, so too are residents’ dogs, and, in an area unaccustomed to the needs of a 24-7 population, there are very few places where residents can walk — and relieve — their Fidos and Fifis.

The open space most convenient to many of the buildings — including the BellTel Lofts at Bridge and Willoughby streets — is the green commons within the Metrotech campus, between Jay Street and Flatbush Avenue Extension.

But the management company that oversees the complex recently prohibited dogs from the area, roping off the commons and posing bright yellow signs that read, “No dogs on the grass, please.”

. . .

In the early mornings, the ritual of taking one’s dog out for a quick walk is now as much a part of the Metrotech Commons traffic as is corporate workers who are early to work, snagging their hot coffee and darting into office buildings.

Even during a quick walk in the evenings, it is common to see young women walking their small, fluffy lapdogs and larger, beefier men run past with their bulldogs.

Young mothers now bring their children play in the grass, and but carefully steer their dogs away from the same inviting lawns.

Sanitation is the biggest issue, explained Metrotech Business Improvement Director Mike Weiss, who said he is working with residents to find proper accommodations for the growing canine population.

“[We are] certainly willing to have people sit there on a blanket — that’s not prohibited — but it conflicts with the dog thing because if the dog is doing his number on the lawn, it could be unsanitary,” Weiss said. “You can just clean up so much, and you can’t clean up wet stuff.”

Let’s be clear: Letting your dog poop on precious open space is one of the most selfish things you can do.

Let’s be clearer: By letting your dog crap on the one patch of grass in an urban neighborhood, you’re being a gigantic asshat.

Leat’s be even clearer: You, sir, who let your dumb-ass dog shit on grass where people might want to sit, are basically a total asshole.

Gowanus The Healer

How’s this for a silvery lining on the white film:

The murky waters of Brooklyn’s Gowanus Canal have caused the demise of a baby whale dubbed Sludgie, stunk up an entire neighborhood and even once caught on fire.

Someday, they may also save your life.

At least that’s what a pair of New York biology professors believe after doing research on the waterway considered by many to be the most polluted, putrid and repugnant place in the city.

New York City College of Technology Profs. Nasreen and Niloufar Haque say the key to combating heart disease, Alzheimer’s and even the AIDS virus may exist in a white film full of bacteria in the canal.

“One of the things we found is that it has a very potential effect as an antibiotic,” Nasreen Haque said Wednesday.

The Haque sisters began researching the Gowanus three years ago equipped with a team of elite divers willing to plumb the depths of the canal — and a hypothesis.

“If organisms can survive in such an area, they must be producing something that protects them,” Nasreen Haque said.

The divers pulled samples of the white gunk, which is a combination of bacteria, microbes and other chemicals, from under the canal bed. The Haques took the samples to a lab.

“What we suspected turned out to be true,” Nasreen Haque said. “Extracts from the microbes in the water proved to be potential sources of antibiotics or inhibitors.”

. . .

Haque said she and her sister found secretions from microorganisms — “some of which operate like antiobiotics” — in the white gunk.

The Haques are testing some of the agents to see if they are able to fight the type of bacteria that leads to staph infections.

Nasreen Haque hopes the substances could be used in anti-inflammatory drugs capable of battling heart disease, among other serious disorders.

Location Scout: Gowanus Canal.

John Lithgow Rolls In His Grave; Kenny Loggins Pumps Fists At Visions Of A Rick Astley-Like Renaissance

The vestigial cabaret laws that the Giuliani administration used to crack down on quality of life violations may be overhauled by the Bloomberg administration:

City Hall is looking to eliminate — or at least loosen — the cumbersome cabaret license so more bars and businesses can allow patrons to let loose, the Daily News has learned.

“We either want to eliminate the license or establish a different license so that it would be less onerous for people to engage in dancing,” said a source close to the mayor.

The 82-year-old license “as it exists doesn’t offer a reasonable opportunity for New Yorkers to dance at clubs,” the City Hall source said.

The administration is in talks with the Consumer Affairs Department, which issues the licenses, and the NYPD, which enforces them, to make the change.

It is also considering forming a task force to examine the issue.

“I’d be tickled if we could get reform on this. New York City is the only city in the world where there is a law that makes dancing illegal,” said John McGarvey, a spokesman for Metropolis in Motion, a group fighting to change the law.

As the 1926 law stands, three or more people can’t dance unless a bar or restaurant has a cabaret license — even if music and liquor are allowed.

There are 181 licensed cabarets in New York, according to Consumer Affairs, and most are limited to techno-thumping clubs in Manhattan.

During former Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s quality-of-life campaign in 1997, police cracked down on venues without a cabaret license and the law became a quick way to shut down out-of-control nightclubs.

Lift Those Cans, Love Them Gams

Next up for New York’s san-men, a sexy calendar:

New York’s Strongest may be showing a lot more leg this summer.

For the first time, city sanitation workers will be allowed to wear shorts during the steamy summer months.

Don’t expect any crazy striped Bermudas or short shorts, though. City sanitmen and sanitwomen will be wearing modest green uniform shorts that hit right at the knee.

“Everybody thought it was a myth, that shorts will never happen,” said sanitation worker Liston (Benny) Judge, who gamely modeled the new shorts for the Daily News.

“This makes a big difference on those humid, 96-degree days.”

. . .

The shorts may be ideal for sanitation workers who sweep the street, or drive vehicles long distances, said Harry Nespoli, president of the Uniformed Sanitationmen’s Association.

They may not be as useful for workers who lug plastic bags — a favorite target of neighborhood dogs and cats — or metal baskets that can scrape against their legs.

Ladies And Gentlemen, Due To A Passenger In Labor At The East Broadway Station . . .

We’ve heard of giving birth in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel, but giving birth in the East Broadway F train station is even better:

A baby girl named Soleil — French for sun — lit up a Manhattan subway station with joy Monday.

The little bit of heaven — 6 pounds, 7 ounces and 15 inches from head to toe – was born on the East Broadway F train platform with the help of more than a dozen concerned New Yorkers.

Home attendant Max Alfontent and his wife, Francine, both 27, left their Brooklyn home and hopped an F train about 3 p.m. after the mom-to-be started feeling her first child was thisclose to arriving.

“We were going to Bellevue Hospital,” said an ecstatic Max, “but we didn’t make it. My wife started feeling funny on the train so I told the conductor and he called ahead to the station.”

“When we pulled in I put her down on the platform and her water broke. I was happy the baby was coming, but I have to admit I was a little bit scared.”

Moral of the story: When your pregnant wife is in labor, it is best to take a cab.

Location Scout: East Broadway Station.