Nothing Ruins A Good Time Like A Pregnant Lady

One of the most touching moments of Jersey Shore — before the cast became too self-aware and destroyed everything wonderful about the premise, that is — was when Snooki professed her love for Jionni, saying that she wanted to have many "guido babies" with him (I don't even think she ruined the moment when she added that she wanted them via C-section, so as not to "fuck up her vagina"). Well, according to reports, that moment has arrived:

But sources tell Page Six that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi's hard-partying, booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a "Jersey Shore" spinoff with Jenni "JWoww" Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey.

"MTV went into crisis mode after they found out," said a source. "They're trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show." The untitled new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies' relationship as friends and roommates — and whatever adventures come their way.

Should they be in "crisis mode"? Um, fuck yes they should be in crisis mode. They should be in dumping-Viacom-stock-like-yesterday mode, because nothing ruins a good time like a pregnant chick.

Hanging out with pregnant ladies seems a lot like hanging out with George Bush, except that George Bush is probably more mobile. And I bet he can think of better nicknames.

The only good thing about hanging out with pregnant ladies is that they can be designated drivers — until they're too big to be in the front seat, in which case then they're just useless.

Don't get me wrong — there's a lot to like about pregnant ladies. For one, pregnant ladies get a lot of free shit. We once got a free appetizer at a Japanese place after going in to pick up a bubble tea (one of Jen's cravings). No kidding — people give you free shit — just for standing there!

Then there's the preferential treatment you get from people — and if not straight up preferential treatment then at least some sort of generalized good will. Especially when you're on your first child (I've asked a couple people and they sort of agreed), it seems that everyone loves a pregnant lady. I don't know if they're thinking about their own children or what, but people seem excited.

As a guy who spent years cloaked in the urban anonymity that mixes the well-intentioned innocent with various thieves, rapists and flim-flam artists, at least in the eyes of the general public, it was a hoot to be treated so special. I never tired of questions like "How many months?" and "Do you know the sex?" I never got this much attention before.

Then there's the narcotic moral righteousness of getting on the subway and being able to stand over some able-bodied jerkoff until he or she finally gets up for the pregnant lady. All you do is stand, hushed, with dopey big eyes that say, "You're going to do this to a pregnant lady — really?" It's the best feeling in the world. And best of all, you're not the one who has to carry the weight.

(An aside: You know who always gets up for pregnant ladies? Tough looking guys who probably have a kid or two. You know who could give a shit about pregnant ladies? Single twenty-something girls and rich guys in suits. I don't know the whys or wherefores, but that's what Jen noticed.)

I already mentioned being able to drink for two, and that is one reason pregnant ladies are "fun," but other than that, no — no! — unless it's 16 and Pregnant, you just can't make an MTV show about being pregnant, at least if Snooki's pregnancy is anything like Jen's was — Jersey City is a canvas that deserves so much more than endless Netflix queues, smooshed bladders and fragile body images.

Of course, it could be very entertaining to watch a pregnant Snooki. It could be a reality show like no other. And provided she's under enough physical and mental duress, it would be self-awareness-proof. It can be more awesome than the lady who delivered her child in the art gallery.

All of which fits into Snooki's reported plans "to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming 'the next Kourtney Kardashian.'" Yes — yes, and . . .