Are You There, Peter Coyote? It's Me, Ooma . . . And I've Got The Facial Hair To Prove It

September 23, 2014


And then you're like, "How many hours long is this thing?"


What he said; also, I don't like living in a world where commercials make flirty banter between man and machine look "cute."


It was archival images of TR during his days in the Badlands, but it could have been 20-somethings in Bushwick. Or ISIS along the Euphrates.


These dagnamit Buck Naked Underwear ads are starting to get into Slanket territory; you can't — just can't — use "stink" and "sweat" in the same sentence when talking about anything remotely related to a man's crotch.

September 24, 2014


Midnight is somehow both late enough and early enough to make a mess of things.


Big Black's "Steelworker" came on the shuffle while I was doing some wild goose chase housework (sometimes there's a good reason for a drop ceiling, and that's when there is none) and it stuck in my head. Mr. Baby, Too is more than 20 pounds and is nowhere near crawling, so when he's in the Ergo, it gives new meaning to "great big thing crawling all over me," a line I never really understood to begin with. Also, while doing dishes it occurred to me that "I kill what I eat" is sort of backwards, right? You eat what you kill, like Ted Nugent, not the opposite — that is, unless you're into certain Asian dishes . . .


The night the Pirates clinched; I initially misheard, probably because I'm not really following the Pirates.

September 25, 2014


I'm sorry, I really am, but this is one of my biggest, uh, pet peeves. I will never, ever understand why dog owners feel like it's OK to let their animals urinate on people's property. A while back it occurred to me how gross it must be for sanitation workers; indeed, apparently it is. It took me down a rabbit hole of memories about dog waste: I remember friends' backyards where dogs used doggie doors to go outside to relieve themselves. A weekly chore was cleaning up the dog shit; which is to say, that for 6 3/4 days a week the backyard was full of dog shit. I sometimes get a little squeamish sitting on any grassy area. All of which is to say, What the fuck, man?


Giving Mama unsolicited advice. Amazing how hard it can be to jog your memory and how satisfying it is when you bust through years of Google plaque to figure out whatever it was you couldn't remember in the first place.

September 26, 2014


If they hadn't excised Sparky, the bowling ball helmets may have been kind of interesting. If they hadn't been so shitty against UCLA, they might have been "bold," or whatever. But both contingencies failed to materialize.


Jen's observation. It's true — and I've absolutely used, or overused, "award-winning" in things. Try to remember, then be willing to forget.


They would have scored [tallying . . .]

  • Sack: 1 (1 point)
  • Interception: 2 (4 points)
  • Fumble Recovery: 2 (4 points)
  • Touchdown: 1 (6 points)
  • Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns: 1 (6 points)
  • Points Allowed 21-27 points: 0

21 points. Christ.


I watched part of the beginning of the game but missed the game-winner.


I feel like I've seen a lot of articles about this show recently, not all of which nymag.com Twitter spam. I watched this show. I liked this show. I wanted Luke and Lorelai to find love. I wanted Rory to succeed. And yet I think it's OK to leave it behind, even if it is available on Netflix. Perhaps it's something rotten I notice in myself, but the full-bore banter Nick-and-Noraism of the scripts is kind of fatiguing after a while.


Well, so there's that.


And then that happened . . .


Actual content; what a concept.

September 27, 2014


God, it was in this episode of Inside the Eagles, which I think they edited out! Anyway, it's a knock-knock joke, where the knock-knock goes, "Knock Knock? Who's there? Smell mop. Smell mop . . ." you get the idea . . .

Posted: September 29th, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , , , ,

An Out-And-Out Nut Spiking

September 15, 2014


It's true. Sometimes shots on par 3 holes happen to go in on the first shot. Sure, it takes skill to hit a golf ball and have it land on the green, but it seems totally haphazard when it also happens to roll into the cup. They're just not that interesting. I feel like I've said something similar in the past about half-court shots in basketball.

September 16, 2014


It's this:


So of course we benched Thomas and started Sproles this week: Thomas had 11.10 points and Sproles had 3.00. Christ.


The neighbors seem to smoke a lot of weed, so I smell that smell quite a bit. I could have been hallucinating. It could have been something he ate. I'm just hoping it's not secondhand.

September 17, 2014


Postscript: Dishwasher listened.

September 18, 2014


I can't remember who this was about but I wouldn't be surprised if it was the mayor.


That was from this article in the Times about Cuomo's supporters going after Astorino about him liking the Dolphins and not a New York team — any team, or in the governor's case, all of them. The problem with Cuomo is that everything he does seems calculated to run for president — do you get the sense he's passionate about anything at all? Even De Blasio at least is geeked about tall buildings.


Combining passages from Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch with fantasy football roster moves: another owner offered Rivers for wide receiver Michael Floyd after seeing that we were saddled with an injured RGIII. He had Drew Brees already; I think Rivers had a better game than Brees last weekend (not this one).


Again, The Goldfinch: after the trade went through.


It's a neighborhood amenity at 360 Smith, alongside specialty food stores, classic speakeasies and trendy eateries, eclectic boutiques, historic venues and convenient access to public transportation, schools, playgrounds, the waterfront, downtown Brooklyn, and Manhattan.


The spot was atmospheric and riveting. I can't remember what the game was.


What I said.


They disappeared for a while and now they're back, and that's a shame.

September 19, 2014


More Goldfinch . . .


This actually makes sense in context, and it took me quite a while to perceive the irony of it.


This stuff is starting to sound a little too hyperbolic. Contrarian impulse, activate; form of, throwing away vote to third party.

September 20, 2014


The Baltimore Ravens' response to ESPN's big story that the team knew the full extent of the Ray Rice casino beating almost immediately, which is counter to what nearly everyone in any position of power has been saying since the whole thing began. I vaguely remember in the past someone highlighting how weaselly this type of statement was, but I couldn't immediately Google it. Basically, an "error" or "inaccuracy" could be something as unimportant as saying a shirt is red when it is actually maroon. And I don't even know what "false assumptions" and "perhaps, misunderstandings" would even begin to matter . . .


Mr. Baby, Too sucking on my elbow in bed that morning. Note: we do not condone or endorse in any way "co-sleeping."

Posted: September 21st, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,

The One-Handed Snatch Of The Green Lacewing Runnin' With The Devil. LOL.

September 7, 2014


Hello, new roommate, this is a quiet street. Please don't yell at your buddy to come down to get you. Edit: only if you're John Cusack. Or Rapunzel. Just last week there was this really fuckin' drunk chick in our planter trying to get that person's attention. You know, Radio Shack seems to be trying to reposition itself. Ironically, I don't own a cell phone — which is why I carry a pocketful of pebbles.


Still awake the night of Girls Season 2 above. Sometimes if you watch SportsCenter too long, it starts to speak to you in strange ways: sophomoric double entendres vaguely hinting at masturbation, for one.


3:11 a.m. and reaching diminishing returns; honestly I have no fucking clue what I was working on or what I was awake doing. One of my pet peeves is when something starts autoplaying in a browser full of tabs.

September 8, 2014


I wouldn't have even Googled it were it not for the extremely weird smell on my finger after I smooshed the thing; it was something along the lines of George Burns' breath.


Honestly, it just made me really cranky; that this happened on the day the Ray Rice news broke sort of shows just how cranky it made me. Reading it again made me think I was overreacting slightly. Salient points: 1) Moms, demand more from deadbeat Dads — everyone should fucking know how to cook — that way stories like these don't have to sound so fucking parochial; 2) Kids should learn some goddamn manners and not sound so freaking ungrateful; 3) You don't "sort of" learn how to fix a car — you learn how to fix a car — there's a minimum, basic level of cooking that doesn't have to rely on frozen or processed foods, let's learn it (another reason not to vote for Cuomo); 4) I forget.

September 10, 2014


If it's not immediately apparent, those are Van Halen lyrics.


I can't find a video of the ad on YouTube, but the way they highlight "decapitate" on the screen seems oddly timed to evoke ISIS. Here's the backstory.


A friend is so baffled by who actually uses Mio. I just really dislike self-consciously oddball ads; a whole generation born after the Simpsons and David Letterman is making culture completely fucking unbearable.

September 11, 2014


A friend who knew I was hedging about whether to attend the Replacements concert at Forest Hills (don't even know if it's sold out or not) passed this video along. One, they sound great. Two, Paul Westerberg looks great — not an easy thing to for a 54-year-old (!) to pull off. Still, I don't think I can make it out there. And that's my "September 11" tweet.

September 12, 2014


Paul George laughing out loud about keeping things moving. Honestly though, I've seen so many inappropriate uses of "lol" that it seems less about laughing out loud than laughing nervously out loud — if you take all those weird instances of "lol" and insert "nervously and uncomfortably," as in "laughing nervously and uncomfortably out loud," it's probably closer to what people really intend to say. Ultimately, we're just a nation of really awkward people. LOL.


Feeling anxious, and not at all comfortable with our lineup. LOL.


Seriously, some of this shit the CSA gives us is trippin'.


Lunchtime and the six-month-old is learning how to eat. He wants to gouge out his eye or perform a tonsillectomy.


A Chili's ad, it's at 0:08:


I still don't get it.

September 13, 2014


I guess I meant to say "house centipede". Usually I crush; this time I thought about the green lacewing. (Beer + whiskey) * 3:04 a.m. = general sloppiness.

September 14, 2014


I'm assuming Adrian Peterson must have been coached on how much to smile on his mug shot, but it's a strange look, and not one I think I'd go for.


I know it's dumb to flip off drivers, but this guy ostentatiously (and dangerously) pulled all the way around us as we coasted to a red light. I'm just like "What the fuck?" I'm not sure why I find it so important to enforce the social contract; must be all this Vision Zero talk. His truck had the license plate "RAMPAG3." I was kind of like "Harrumph, of course," and then I saw his IRQ sticker and felt conflicted. Can't I flip you off and thank you for your service? And isn't that just what being an American is all about?

September 15, 2014


Checked in on the points and was feeling pretty good until I noticed the crawl on the bottom of the screen that he left the game and may be out for the season. We put him on waivers and picked up (ugh) Ben Roethlisberger, who apparently is the only remaining starting QB left in the league. We're screwed.

Posted: September 14th, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , , , ,
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