Annotated Twitter: Move Closer To Your Walkup Music

July 3, 2015

700 KB. Imagine that. That line was from "How an Artist Fell Into a Profitable Online Card Business", a Wall Street Journal article from 2004 about Jacquie Lawson's email card empire.

Most of the time I remember what I meant by something. Not this time.

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July 6, 2015

Incidentally, I saw this commercial for the 800,001st time just the other night and thought to google them; this place, as you may or may not expect from its ubiquitous TV presence, is supergoddamn expensive, like $60,000 a month expensive.

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July 7, 2015

If I were to write a novel, I'd be very tempted to add a character named "eHow," who embodied attributes including but not limited to earnestness, obviousness, guilelessness and hustle.

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July 9, 2015

I have a feeling this is related to some kind of Hotmail spam, though I'm not totally certain.

I have a soft spot for non-traditional walkup music. Speaking of which, I have some suggestions for up-and-coming sluggers.

Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song," with a soaring bird-like Robert Plant vocal at 0:07, is really underappreciated:

Roger Miller's "Dang Me" is hot, though probably too close to home for a lot of big leaguers:

Dinosaur Jr.'s "Little Fury Things" swings for the fences in those first 30 seconds:

Similarly, Sonic Youth's "Death Valley '69":

Minutemen's "Joe McCarthy's Ghost" is unassailable:

Respectfully, I think Paula Abdul's "Promise of a New Day" works:

Lightnin' Hopkins' "Bring Me My Shotgun," because until about 0:45, it definitely works:

ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" would be relevatory, especially in a pinch hitting situation:

Joy Division's "Disorder," because nothing strikes fear into an opposing pitcher like the cold, distant opening notes of Unknown Pleasures:

And finally, the Volcano Suns' "White Elephant," which, no joke, would seriously be the most brilliant walkup music in the history of walkup music:

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July 14, 2015

Not complaining or anything, but part of me is waiting with bated breath for something new and wonderful.

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July 15, 2015

And of course, as usual, Charlie Hustle gets the short end of the stick. Clearly those Skecher ads were a little too flippant:

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July 16, 2015

Do it and it will, never, ever cease to be hilarious.

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July 20, 2015

Actually, it makes sense: it's the place Cain was exiled to after murdering Abel, a land of whimsy and bedding.

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July 21, 2015

Olympic swimminer Michael Phelps gives a sick sixteen-year-old the day of a lifetime.

I'm sure we've been reading the wrong books.

It's like "Ooh, the dark, I'm sooo scared of the dark; boo hoo . . ."

An innocent query.

The kicker.

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July 22, 2015

WWE wrestler John Cena gives a sick seven-year-old the day of a lifetime.

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July 23, 2015

Major League Baseball star Andrew McCutchen gives a sick ten-year-old the day of a lifetime.

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July 24, 2015

WNBA star Maya Moore gives a sick 14-year-old the day of a lifetime.

Seriously, how on top of it is that?

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July 27, 2015

Like with most good shellfish, afterward it mostly felt like you somehow got away with one.

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July 28, 2015

Baby's first tweet.

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July 31, 2015

So bombastic, so timeless:

And apparently it used to mean "news".

Posted: December 23rd, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,

Annotated Twitter: If You Stare At Something Long Enough You Will Probably End Up Falling Asleep

June 1, 2015

Sort of like beheading videos or celebrity dick pics: the civilized approach demands a refusal to participate.

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June 2, 2015

In other words, the best part of the summertime ESPN late afternoon lineup editorial output.

Such a sucker for non-traditional walkup music.

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June 4, 2015

Basically, no one gets children's music right; I have a funny feeling children are just being polite when listening to it.

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June 5, 2015

Because who doesn't want to spend his or her Friday evening listening to a bunch of really stale gay slurs?

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June 6, 2015

I would like to believe that I would do the decent thing and take my children camping for the first time if only to use these blasted sound puzzles for kindling, but I fear I will stoop to continuing the cycle of violence by passing along these crazy-making nightmares to unsuspecting future parents.

Seriously, you shouldn't get Googletonic top SEO fuckery for subscription-only content. I don't care how wonderful your "foolproof baked fried chicken shortcut" is, or whatever it was I was looking up. Fuck the internet.

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June 8, 2015

Totally forgot who this was: turns out, it's a fellow named "Chet," which, I now know, is a diminutive for "Chester." That he's a rapper, too, is just icing on the cake.

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June 13, 2015

Birdman was overwrought ridiculousness and I haven't done an Oscar pool in years. On the other hand, Kenny Mayne is a real enigma.

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June 14, 2015

Totally didn't happen. Would have been AWESOME . . .

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June 15, 2015

Just a thing I noticed in the course of doing actual work; Bing is weird, right?

The Blackhawks. And it seems they keep the band in business (listen around 4:00, expanded on around 6:00 or so).

Just got really, really tired of nypost.com crashing and then learning that it's basically a purposeful tactic.

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June 16, 2015

Often heard in connection with attempts to apologize for matters of race, class and gender before launching into an opinion about said topic, e.g., "It's fucking ridiculous that here I am, a goddamn white man, talking about the meaning of [X], but . . ."

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June 17, 2015

At some point it seemed that having "every right" to think, do or say something was maybe a little hyperbolic.

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June 18, 2015

I still don't understand what "Google Plus" could possibly mean.

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June 19, 2015

It causes my serotonin levels to crash, and makes me feel generally gloomy, like I'm missing out on something truly wonderful happening to a large, boisterous crowd somewhere who is better dressed, better paid and better buzzed than I am.

Actually, not really.

First, she's fucking ridiculous and I'm not at all unhappy that it took me four years to learn why. Also, always curious about that one letter.

Really, 667 would have looked great in the record books, whichever one will take him.

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June 20, 2015

Only two of my very favorite things of all time: zoos and the theme from Caddyshack.

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June 23, 2015

Another in a long line of frustration dreams.

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June 24, 2015

Not excited about eventually replacing the laptop because SOME PEOPLE like to use it as a percussion instrument.

Before the record industry destroyed internet radio there was (if I recall correctly) a weird site called "Spank Radio" or some such that had a single playlist that streamed the same songs in the same order. This song was on there somewhere and has been stuck in my head for fifteen years and it wasn't until this exact moment when I heard it again. I still had those pleated pants until fairly recently. Here's a funny article from the last millennium: "A website isn't worth its bandwidth these days if it doesn't offer some sort of RealAudio, Liquid Audio, Windows Media Player, Winamp, or MP3 option."

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June 25, 2015

Seriously, "ballpark.org" is great — has to be worth something, right? Like a mortgage company looking to attract first-time home buyers or, I don't know what.

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June 28, 2015

I'm pretty sure Rachel McAdams' dad on True Detective was at the same yoga retreat Don Draper spent the early 1970s at. It sure looked that way. [Factcheck: yup.]

Posted: December 3rd, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Annotated Twitter: Proving Yet Again How Essential Sleep Is To The Healthy Function Of The Human Brain

May 1, 2015


Actually kind of scary: I turned on the stove, like I was making breakfast. This was the month of lack of sleep.

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May 3, 2015


Seriously, it went "NY! CFC!"

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May 5, 2015


It's "Alexa" and I don't understand how the ads for it running today — that says its name out loud — don't, uh, turn it on from the TV. (Jeez, what if it did do this, Manchurian Candidate style, and wreaked havoc remotely?)


Everything is worth a shot.

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May 6, 2015


I can't find a clip online; it was brilliant. Self-reflective note: example of exhibiting weakness of creative mind/facile adherence to rules.


Came across this in my day job and it was very funny to me, assuming a lot less funny to Chicagoans.

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May 7, 2015


"Urchin" is in the eye of the beholder.

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May 8, 2015


You think your child is brilliant, until they're not.

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May 9, 2015


Just got done complaining about Obama's "middle-class economics," and got to thinking.

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May 11, 2015


Man, I wish I could remember what this meant. Pretty sure it had something to do with something on TV on Sunday night but I have no clue what.

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May 12, 2015

Again, no clue. [Googling historic weather stats] Oh, right: it was going to be 87 that day.

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May 13, 2015

For the longest time, I was convinced that those solar power calls were people trying to get you to switch energy providers. I finally looked up spoofed caller ID numbers and felt embarrassed for hollering at these people.

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May 15, 2015

After a while, every commercial starts looking like a Cialis ad.

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May 16, 2015

LOVE that they offer this feature but also assume that these are the trending Urban Dictionary topics like all the time; had to look up "bye felicia" and "cheeky nandos." Definitely did not have to look up "sex." Have a pretty good handle on the rest.

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May 17, 2015


The big question was why I was using Yahoo — must have been upset at Google right then or something.

Yup, it's still the case: Google Images gets it right while Yahoo images mixes in lord-knows-what-the-fuck, though this image (it's a barbecue image, believe it or not) treads a fine line.


Sounded brilliant at the time, I'm sure.


Series finales are always disappointing, except for Friday Night Lights.


Mad Men, the hill, Don Draper's slick fucking mug, then Bam!:

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May 18, 2015


Object lesson in why 140-character limits are LAME ("wld"? "wch"?). This was Ernest Hemingway talking about Beryl Markham's West With the Night and apologizing, I think, for (lack of a better concept) defemininizing her persona in the book.


Let's see, let me guess, a muggy early spring day? . . . [checking] . . . yup.

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May 20, 2015


Forget what was happening exactly, but it occurred to me at some point how badly timed some pitch emails are.


Oh, I see — this comes 20 minutes later . . . overworked, overtired.

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May 21, 2015

No clue how it happened, but it cooked so fast, then all of the sudden the Googlebots know you're how shitty a pitmaster you are.


Sometimes baseball highlights are so fucking boring. Sorry.


I blame my son for this, not the artist, or even the music service. But really, I blame myself mostly.

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May 29, 2015


Not my joke, but it came from this household.

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May 31, 2015


Is it just me, or is good asparagus always described as "beautiful"? I don't know if it's just an exuberance about things that happen in spring or if it perhaps reveals something deep-seated about our relationship with flowering vegetables or what, but it sort of reminds me of how critiques are often withering and onslaughts are almost always veritable.

Posted: October 31st, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: ,
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