What If They Made Diapers With A Wet- Vac Attachment?

Just like what I said — it'd be like a breast pump, only much more useful.

Posted: February 25th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: The Cult Of Domesticity | Tags: ,

So Of Course He Explodes All Over The Changing Pad Because We Hadn't Let Things Run Their Course

So one of the things about being woken up in the middle of the night is that you remember all these lovely dreams that would have gone unremembered had you had the misfortune of sleeping through them.

Here's an example: I was writing and performing a rap song with big producers — I want to say Dr. Dre or maybe Jay-Z or someone like that — where we sampled President Obama and it was about being a dad or something. And I was sitting on the floor just like when I change Squeaky's diapers telling this guy that I loved what he did for a beat but that it should have a faster tempo "so as not to sound too sappy" and he totally agreed and then we went on to perform on Saturday Night Live and Canadian music blogs wrote about me going to Canadian indie shows and who I've been sampling, etc.

So about this particular diaper change: Let's just say that the software hadn't had time to fully install before I shut down the system. Yikes.

I'm sure I dreamt all this because I had just seen two things on TV. One, Dan Le Batard on ESPN and he was interviewing Ice Cube and asking him whether the "good day" from "Today Was A Good Day" was actually January 20, 1993 (Mr. Cube's response was something along the lines of, "that's
for me to know"). Two, that colorful headphone Best Buy ad where Dr. Dre throws big globs of fantasticness at spry music lovers' heads. I had to ask Goober who it was; it looked like Dr. Dre but I wondered if it was Jay-Z; and no, I don't think all rap producers "look alike."

So now Squeak is fast asleep against my chest after getting a comfort boob from Mom, er I mean Jen, because as she keeps saying, I already have a mom and she is not her. I think it's safe to swaddle him and go back to my rap career.

Posted: February 5th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: The Cult Of Domesticity | Tags: , , ,

Inappropriate Songs To Sing To A Baby

The good thing about newborns is that their brains are barely developed. The bad thing about this stage is that you don't have much time left to get stuff out of your system. Here are three songs that have figured prominently in Animal's so-called "fourth trimester."

1) Khia's "My Neck, My Back." Like I said, inappropriate. But oh what a lesson in anatomy. Plus, if a diaper really fails, sometimes it feels this way.

2) Busta Rhymes' "Woo Hah!! Got You All In Check." Specifically the line "got that head-nod shit that makes you break your neck."

3) AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long." One of the in-utero songs we played him, for the beats; it wasn't until we got our shaken-baby lesson at the hospital that I realized what a poor choice this was.

Posted: January 31st, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Jukebox, The Cult Of Domesticity | Tags: , , ,