Only In New York, Kids, Only In . . .

Katrina evacuees use squatters-rights laws to stay in their hotel rooms “rent free”:

This winter, FEMA put up over 300 Hurricane Katrina evacuees in New York City hotels. Almost all of them have gone back to their lives, their jobs. But not Theon Johnson. He’s currently sprawled out watching Halloween 5 on one of the two full-size beds in his room at the JFK Airport Holiday Inn. He is one of four evacuees still living in a hotel in the city.

The others left in February and March, when, after spending more than $500 million, FEMA stopped paying for hotel rooms housing some 40,000 evacuees across the country. That left many scrambling for places to live. But thanks to the city’s squatters-rights law, evacuees here were safe. Their rooms weren’t paid for, but since they’d been in them for more than 30 days, the hotels couldn’t just kick them out. Only a judge’s order could evict them.

And Johnson, 49, isn’t that motivated to leave. For one thing, AMC’s in the middle of its “Thrill Me” marathon. Next up, Gothika. “Halle Berry,” he says with lazy lust. These days he’s usually up all night — it’s hard to sleep on an empty stomach. When he has to, he’ll go outside and beg for change, but he doesn’t really like that too much. Most days he just showers and gets back in bed, showers and gets back in bed. Once a week he and another evacuee, a diabetic named Larry, walk to a church off the Van Wyck and get canned goods. When Johnson’s caseworker, Sharon, comes around, she gives him some bus passes and maybe a few bucks, but she’s getting frustrated. “They sit around on their butts watching TV. There’s only but so much I can do if they’re not willing to help themselves.”

The Holiday Inn is working on a settlement that will pay Johnson to leave. On behalf of New York, you’re welcome!

Let’s Return The Competitive Eating Championship Where It Belongs: The Good ‘Ol Girth-Loving U. S. Of A.

A promising young American is poised to reclaim the competitive eating mantle in the world-famous Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest:

Joey Chestnut, a journeyman on the competitive-eating circuit, stunned the world — and maybe put a scare into five-time world hot dog–eating champion Takeru Kobayashi — by setting a new American record just two months before the annual July 4 contest at Nathan’s in Coney Island.

“This is the greatest thing to happen in the history of American sports,” said Richard Shea, president of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, the governing body of all stomach-centered sports.

“Chestnut’s accomplishment may change the course of a nation.”

. . .

As a result of nearly a decade of Japanese domination at our national pastime on our national holiday, many Americans believe that the Mustard Yellow International Belt will always be worn by a foreigner.

Hot Dog-Eating Contest Obstacle May Become Oral History Barn

The Brooklyn Paper reports (.pdf) that the Army Recruiting office on Stillwell Avenue may become a sort of Coney Island StoryCorps:

A tin-roofed Coney Island war machine is on its way to becoming a time machine.

The family that built and operates the neighborhood’s biggest amusement empire wants to convert a battered U.S. Army Recruiting Center on Stillwell Avenue into recording studio for the oral history of one of Brooklyn’s most-historic, and certainly freakiest, areas.

“People have so many memories to share about the Cyclone, the Winder Wheel and well, everything that happened under the Boardwalk, too,” said Coney Island Voices founder Carol Albert, whose father-in-law took [sic] bought the legendary Cyclone coaster in the 1960s.

The black tin shack has stood in the middle of Stillwell Avenue for as long as anyone can remember. Although it was an active recruiting station until last year, it is mostly known as an obstruction to the annual hot dog-eating contest at Nathan’s across the street.

The recruiters’ relocation to a nearby storefront has paved the way for their old station to be, well, paved.

A source said the Coney Island Voices “studio” would be mobile so it could be tucked away to accommodate the overflow crowds at the annual July 4 frankfest.

Then Again, Maybe It’s Better That Manhattan Remains The Only Borough Without A Beach (Suckas)

“It’s safe if you know what you’re doing” doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence, but I’m listening:

Decades have passed since advocates began their push to rid the Hudson River of industrial waste, and the city has worked to beautify Manhattan’s once-desolate West Side with grassy parkland for joggers and bicyclists. So why not add a beach?

Some state officials and environmentalists want to develop one along the river just steps from the Meatpacking District when a city sanitation department depot relocates by 2012.

The plan faces technical and regulatory hurdles and could take years to complete, but perhaps the most daunting challenge will be persuading locals and tourists alike to take a dip in the river, with its reputation as a floating funeral home and garbage dump.

“Haven’t they found bodies out here?” asked Sephora Rosario, 32, staring out at the choppy water not too far from where she grew up. “Who would jump in there?”

Often, those quickest to dive in are the environmental advocates who say the Hudson River is far cleaner than it has been for most of the last few hundred years.

“I’ll swim in the Hudson now,” said Carter Craft, director of the Metropolitan Waterfront Alliance, which works to increase funding for city water access and ecological protection. “It’s safe if you know what you’re doing.”

Parents, Hide Your Children — This Blob Has Absolutely No Socially Redeeming Value Whatsoever

You can thank our lack of Long Island Sound lobster to the sealife-devouring sea squirt, known simply as a “blob”:

A blob-like creature is invading Long Island Sound and posing a threat to its lobsters and other shellfish, University of Connecticut scientists say.

The researchers say they have found colonies of invasive sea squirts, blob-shaped animals that reproduce easily, on the floor of the Sound.

The scientists believe this variety of sea squirt, known as didemnum, arrived on the hulls of ships from Asia. They have no known predators.

“This thing has the potential for causing significant economic impact when it attaches to the floor of the Sound, where it blankets and suffocates shellfish and lobsters,” said Ivar Babb, director of the university’s Undersea Research Center at Avery Point in Groton.

The animals range in color from a creamy translucent pearl to olive or tan. In Japan, there are some red species.

“This thing is ugly,” Babb said. “It has no socially redeeming virtues.”