The Solution? Embrace The “Cheap Shit Chinese” Genre . . .

Otherwise you run the risk of sounding like pretentious asshole:

A sweet-and-sour Brooklyn scribe is so nauseated by his neighborhood’s lousy Chinese food that he’s cooked up an online petition to lure a better chef to the ‘hood.

[A] Former New Yorker magazine web editor [ . . . ] says he’ll collect a few hundred signatures and personally deliver them to Manhattan Szechuan joints — hoping it’ll coax them to move their woks to Prospect Heights.

“Everybody deserves better Chinese food,” said [the man], 41, “but neighborhood Chinese restaurants seem to have gotten worse.”

The Conquistador-Lost Cities Of Gold Headlines Write Themselves

Then again, I never really understood what bumper cars had to do with lost cities of gold:

This may be your last summer to bump your a– off in Coney Island.

Developer Joe Sitt is considering closing Surf Avenue’s Eldorado Auto Skooter after buying the property from longtime owner Sheila Fitlin earlier this month, but plans are in motion to make sure that the classic Surf Avenue electric bumper car ride — whose famed pink sign told visitors to “bump your ass off” — will remain open for one more season.

Location Scout: Coney Island Amusement Core.

The Carp, Dripping Wet, Gingerly Steps Out Of The Bathtub And Makes His Way Across The Hall To The Steamroom, Followed By A Relaxing Turn In The Jacuzzi Whirlpool Bath

Artisanal Brooklyn strikes again! You’ve read about the burgeoning “condimovement” there and $40 mayonnaise. Now here’s $20 gefilte fish:

Three foodies are peddling a gourmet and gluten-free recipe for gefilte that they say blows the traditional Passover fish dish most Jews love to hate right out of the water.

. . .

The company’s 24-ounce gefilte loaf sells for $20. A 12-ounce loaf is just $12.

My Open Bar Mitzvah

Brooklyn Daily reveals the scourge of “shul-hopping”:

Teenagers all over the country experiment with alcohol, but kids in Orthodox Midwood are doing it at their local synagogue.

It’s known as “shul-hopping”: boys in their early teens spend their Friday nights going from temple to temple attending Shalom Zocher parties — where men come together to celebrate a newborn boy’s birth — and get drunk on free booze.

But these teens aren’t just sipping wine: some of them have gotten so drunk at these parties that they’ve been rushed to the hospital — prompting a handful of Midwood synagogues to change their party policies when teenagers are involved.

“Brooklyn,” The Word Itself Resonates

As for the quintessentially Brooklyn experience at the Barclays Center, well of course:

Officials for the rapidly rising new home for the NBA’s Nets grudgingly confirmed today that they’ve signed a deal with Florida-based Brooklyn Water Enterprises to sell bottled water and bagels at games and other events.

The locally monikered H2O, called “Brooklyn Water,” will actually be produced in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and upstate New York, company officials confirmed.

. . .

And as part of the Barclays Center deal, the company’s subsidiary, Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company, will open its first metro-area restaurant at the arena and bake on-site.

Was it Marty Markowitz who once said, “the good news is that the Brooklyn brand is strong; the bad news is that brands are post-geography”? No, I guess not . . .