Soft Heads And Hard Ones

I very much enjoyed the latest viral video of a man snaring a foul ball while holding a baby:

Just a couple of questions though. One, because while society — we! — applauds — applaud! — fathers who put their children at risk of severe injury or possibly even death in order to catch a foul ball, where are the mothers here? Those heads are soft!

And that's not to say that I wouldn't try to catch a foul ball if I were holding my child — I imagine nothing could be more satisfying than fulfilling your parental responsibilities while picking off a screaming line drive into the seats. Because when it goes right, it really goes right. The guy in San Diego actually has nothing on the Cubs fan who caught Michael Morse's foul ball while holding an infant, the Braves fan who caught a foul ball while holding an infant, eliciting applause from shortstop Andrelton Simmons or even the Texas Rangers fan who did the same (while holding a baby).

I guess it's just that when it doesn't go right, then it really doesn't go right. Like with this guy:

One thing you'll notice between the successes and failures is the age of the baby. When it comes to those miraculous YouTubable catches, the babies seem pretty young — some just a matter of months it seems. And the one thing we know about kids this age, maybe the only thing we understand about kids this age is that they're veritable sacks of flour. In fact, soft heads aside, I bet it's easier to make those catches with a baby than with a beer, much less a full tray of food, between your legs.

If the baby is older, you run the risk of having him or her lunge after the ball him or herself, or grab at your glasses while you're trying to track the ball, or even stick his or her fingers in your nose while you're trying to catch it. Which is why some things — like having HBO on after midnight while you feed your son a bottle — are best left to immobility and developmental immaturity.

Which is to say, this season I would have tried catching that ball. Next season, I'm sitting way up in the third level far, far from where foul balls travel. I'm happy not to have gotten away with one this time.

Posted: August 8th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: FW: Link, The Cult Of Domesticity | Tags: , ,

We Truly Do Live In The Best Country In The History Of Mankind

It's been a little over a year since we first dreamed about a hangover clinic. I'm happy to report that this day has finally arrived.

The folks who do it have this testimonial page with videos. The first one features a guy who had, he says, 30 drinks. After 45 minutes of IV therapy, his hangover is gone.

Posted: April 9th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: FW: Link | Tags:

Apparently Someone Else Is Team Jacob Around Here

You have to like the suggestion that the teacher "lured" the teen by telling him
he looked like Taylor Lautner
, as if that somehow played on his vanity and not her Twilight spank fantasies:

A ninth-grade English teacher seduced her teenage aide and lured him into a sexual relationship by telling him he looked like "Twilight"'s Taylor Lautner, Southern California police said.

. . .

[The 31-year-old] teacher hugged and kissed the teen on the last day of school that year, he told police, and told him he looked like Lautner.

The following year the teen worked as her aide again, and he claimed [the teacher] repeatedly complimented his looks.

. . .

[The teacher] told the teen that her husband was "mean to her," and that she wanted to be with him after he graduated, the police documents said. The teen claimed to have ended the relationship before calling authorities.

A husband that was mean to her . . . hmm . . .

Bella, you have so much to answer for.

Posted: March 13th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: FW: Link | Tags: