Buddy, Would You Please Put A Fucking Hat On That Baby?

October 15, 2014

Sometimes those Amazon features are just too fucking stupid.

There's a line in Boyz II Men's "Motown Philly" that goes "It's long overdue but now Philly is slammin'" — 12 syllables over just two measures, I think — but the melody has been eddying in my head for a long time now (sort of like those Peyton Manning Nationwide commercials) and I cannot seem to get it to quit.

It's true: I was like, "Did you seriously put me on hold to shill for Andrew Cuomo?" and the guy just sort of plowed through an explanation before requesting that I vote for Cuomo on his panderous Women's Equality Party line. I said "fuck you" and hung up. There's a point of diminishing returns and Cuomo has long since passed it.

And then there was the "Please hold so we can patch you in to an important town hall meeting" call from Carolyn Maloney. We were gerrymandered out of her district a few years ago. One-party rule is bullshit and evil.

City boosters cannot resist "best," "biggest," "largest," and "first" anythings.

October 16, 2014

This is from the website of a famous Chicago pizza place. I really don't have an issue with deep dish pizza — I believe my mind is open enough not to demand delicate thin crusts and tastefully dolloped sauces — but this looks so goddamn disgusting, like some kind of fucked up lasagna trigonometry, that it's hard to take it seriously. I'm sure it tastes good though.

October 17, 2014

So with the memory of the "please hold for an important message" call a few days before still fresh, I saw Pandrew Cuomo's fucking ridiculous Women's Equality hostage video starring his children and semi-homemade partner (including that discredited 77-cent claim and the absurd notion that the only thing standing between decent society and brutal back-alley abortions is Cuomo himself). That sentiment was the first thing that came to mind. Sorry. Sometimes you just have to get it all out. Soon enough it will be over, Pandrew having trounced his Washington Generals-esque challenger, and we'll be free from him until sometime in 2015, I guess.

It's good information to know.

October 18, 2014

Instant Google.

October 19, 2014

Imagine a whole stadium of Rahm Emanuels, almost; so weird looking.

More job-related factchecking; this from the website of a bathhouse. Everything passed along without comment; it's better that way.

The minute I stepped out of the house I knew that some cluck-clucking old timer was going to give me grief about not having a hat on the baby. People, it's 52 degrees (I checked) — the kid will be fine. I avoided eye contact the rest of the way to the bagel shop. Passersby are obsessed with babies' heads and believe me, they'll tell you about it.

Posted: October 20th, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,