October 15, 2014
Sometimes those Amazon features are just too fucking stupid.
There's a line in Boyz II Men's "Motown Philly" that goes "It's long overdue but now Philly is slammin'" — 12 syllables over just two measures, I think — but the melody has been eddying in my head for a long time now (sort of like those Peyton Manning Nationwide commercials) and I cannot seem to get it to quit.
It's true: I was like, "Did you seriously put me on hold to shill for Andrew Cuomo?" and the guy just sort of plowed through an explanation before requesting that I vote for Cuomo on his panderous Women's Equality Party line. I said "fuck you" and hung up. There's a point of diminishing returns and Cuomo has long since passed it.
And then there was the "Please hold so we can patch you in to an important town hall meeting" call from Carolyn Maloney. We were gerrymandered out of her district a few years ago. One-party rule is bullshit and evil.
City boosters cannot resist "best," "biggest," "largest," and "first" anythings.
October 16, 2014
This is from the website of a famous Chicago pizza place. I really don't have an issue with deep dish pizza — I believe my mind is open enough not to demand delicate thin crusts and tastefully dolloped sauces — but this looks so goddamn disgusting, like some kind of fucked up lasagna trigonometry, that it's hard to take it seriously. I'm sure it tastes good though.
October 17, 2014
So with the memory of the "please hold for an important message" call a few days before still fresh, I saw Pandrew Cuomo's fucking ridiculous Women's Equality hostage video starring his children and semi-homemade partner (including that discredited 77-cent claim and the absurd notion that the only thing standing between decent society and brutal back-alley abortions is Cuomo himself). That sentiment was the first thing that came to mind. Sorry. Sometimes you just have to get it all out. Soon enough it will be over, Pandrew having trounced his Washington Generals-esque challenger, and we'll be free from him until sometime in 2015, I guess.
It's good information to know.
October 18, 2014
Instant Google.
October 19, 2014
Imagine a whole stadium of Rahm Emanuels, almost; so weird looking.
More job-related factchecking; this from the website of a bathhouse. Everything passed along without comment; it's better that way.
The minute I stepped out of the house I knew that some cluck-clucking old timer was going to give me grief about not having a hat on the baby. People, it's 52 degrees (I checked) — the kid will be fine. I avoided eye contact the rest of the way to the bagel shop. Passersby are obsessed with babies' heads and believe me, they'll tell you about it.
Posted: October 20th, 2014 | Author: Scott | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: Annotated Twitter, Invaded Mental Spaces, Mean Old Daddy, Officer Buttinsky, Panderous Lunge Into The Gut Of The Voter, That Taste In Your Mouth
October 7, 2014
It was really amazing — three penalties called back three Percy Harvin touchdowns . . . THUS PRESERVING WEEK 5 FANTASY DOMINATION!!!
October 8, 2014
Hedging Tweets; isn't everyone as sick of the Giants and Cardinals as I am?
October 9, 2014
I have a feeling that the culprit was an out-of-date link that Google pooped out, but it's a feeling I have often enough to seem common. Do you understand how fucking annoying it is to run over to the laptop to check something while the kids are up and about, only to have some page like Google Fucking Maps load up a bunch of extraneous bullshit and then hang and/or crash? It's a slap in your fucking face, that's what it is. People, be basic, jam econo. In time we can make it a movement. And no, I don't care that it's free fucking content.
The Clash, being basically unassailable, could sell their firstborn to the United Arab Emirates for all I care. Still, this made me do a double take. I was wondering if it was actually Metallica doing the version [checking . . .] it's not. And . . . JFC! . . . I'm learning for the first time that The Clash actually covered it. Honestly, I bet the ad people didn't even realize that until they figured out who to contact for the rights; it's such a sweet spot for the 40-60 set. And, ultimately, it's still not as jarring as the Buzzcocks-AARP ad from a few years back.
October 10, 2014
Self-explanatory; also, the exhaustion is so palpable that the notion that this seems "wise" or "important enough to mention" is totally absurd. Also, that's like every night. But point taken.
HAHA! GET IT? Actually, a project that's being worked upon made me remember something I learned in teacher school about how our brains do better with lower-case, in terms of using the spatial differences to speed reading. It's why SPEECHES WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS ARE SO FUCKING DUMB; your brain is being overextended at a moment when you need to make it look effortless. THIS SUMMARIZES IT!!!!!
It's still a good name, lo these five days later.
October 11, 2014
Sometimes everyday life is completely, utterly, irredeemably unbearable.
SEO was a hero to most but it never meant shit to me. Sorry about that comma there. I guess.
October 12, 2014
As the FarmersOnly.com people can't stop getting across to late-night ESPN viewers, City Folks Just Don't Get It. It was still bonkers at the pumpkin-apple-palooza we visited up in Dutchess County.
Mostly the beer cans. Somewhat the inexplicable and gross hair all over the floor.
SO EXCITED I finally figured out the title/provenance of this piece of music. It's so iconic. If a band covered it I think I'd throw my underwear on stage. There's a similar earworm they use for basketball highlights that I can't Google my way out of.
October 13, 2014
I remember reading this article a long, long time ago and thinking something along the lines of, "Oh, she's only going to be on 12 more Progressive ads then." That must have been 150 ads ago. You'd think that character would be lodged so deeply in your mental space that nothing else would penetrate it, but it's actually such a pervasive ad that she becomes invisible, sort of like the president, or Peyton Manning, or Richard Lewis. The YouTube clip was new to me.
October 14, 2014
Saying the kids say the "darnedest things" belittles their superior sense of timing and insight.
Right? You want to see this, don't you? He is forty-four years old, for Pete's sake.
Posted: October 15th, 2014 | Author: Scott | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: ALL CAPS, Annotated Twitter, Fantasy Island, FirstCom's "Powersurge", Hell Is . . ., Middle Age, On Comedy, Rejected!
September 29, 2014
Literally: starting to toilet "train" and of course we're environmentally gentle.
I'm terrible — terrible! — about remembering to shut them off and they're always running out of batteries. Might as well just spread out the clothes on the floor or whatnot and wait for me to use them.
The exclamation points stretched it out to 140 characters. Did you know about this? It's true:
Just in time for election season, more than a million New York families are about to get a $350 check courtesy of Gov. Cuomo and state lawmakers.
The checks, which state officials began mailing this week, are the first installments of a three-year tax credit program that Cuomo and legislators tucked into last year's state budget.
"It's as shameless a political ploy as we have ever seen," said E.J. McMahon of the Empire Center for Public Policy.
The tax credits, which will drain about $357 million from the state treasury this year, will arrive in mailboxes just weeks before Cuomo and legislators face reelection.
As I've said before, the scary thing about Cuomo is that the only thing he really stakes his candidacy on is getting elected, which is the worst kind of fucking politician. At least this is just one state; keep this goofball as far away from 2016 as humanly possible or an entire country will be sorry.
September 30, 2014
It's the really non-descript places that feel this way. A menu either sent or left at the door. Three-and-a-half stars on Yelp; combination of puff reviews and people whose business it seems to be to rate random places on Yelp. All these years, we've never been there. I'm trying to pinpoint the feeling, but it's just sort of cold and sad. Like a washed-up rock band promising to rock you, or a slot machine, or the Houston Astros. I really wish they didn't bother saying anything, but there it is. And of course I added the menu to our take-out collection.
October 1, 2014
The new DOE criteria for rating schools; maybe I was just skimming the article, but honestly, do we give a fuck how "interesting" the curriculum is? Isn't the curriculum the curriculum, and what's interesting is how you teach the curriculum? Unless they're teaching season 4 of The Wire, you think any of this crap is interesting? This is when the De Blasio administration seems fucking ridiculous.
More of the new DOE criteria for rating schools; what I love, love, love about this rating scale is that three of the four labels are basically positive and the endpoints make no sense. Such a fucking joke it makes Bloomberg's letter grades seem remarkable. I don't know which is worse, Cuomo's self-serving "agenda" or whatever it is that comprises an agenda in New York City. Fortunately, no one gives a fuck.
With the exception of the days leading up to and out of the MLB All-Star break, apparently one of the slowest nights in all of sports, and one I'd never quite perceived before. This was the day after the end of the baseball season, a Tuesday with no football and still too early for the basketball and hockey regular seasons. There was that goofy wildcard game, but other than that, only cricket and water polo. And preseason hockey and college soccer. Do you remember when ESPN used to show weird sports like that? Seems like a gazillion years ago. Anyway, this edit is too early for the Royals-A's ending, but it's representative.
Sometimes I think to look through my spam and I found this. Don't quite get what they're selling though.
October 2, 2014
More SportsCenter double entendre. Of course never not funny.
It's on this video at about 0:24. I think she meant "Latino" or some other more appropriate descriptor. Also, an inside joke of sorts.
October 3, 2014
Actually, a great deal of energy has been expended trying to figure out what's the deal with this guy. People, it's not the lack of belt, it's that crazy goddamn torso. People like that don't want to pitch, they want to show off their deltoids and sex you silly. Stay far, far away from them, lest you get a creatine contact high.
On second thought, this ad is so rotten that it doesn't deserve our mental space — sort of like subservient chicken or beheading videos.
October 4, 2014
People in Chicago sure seem to take a lot of LSD.
It's actually Greek, apparently.
It seems straightforward to me: one game to see who gets to participate in the playoffs. But that's not "the playoffs." I can't imagine the Pirates or A's feel like they made it to "the playoffs," either. That said, when the Royals played in three straight extra-inning playoff, I sort of changed my mind. Just a little bit.
It was quite a comeback, but I don't want to undercut my contrarian cred, so I'll double down and say that statistically, some of these hail mary passes have to find their way into the end zone, right? So no big deal . . . though in retrospect (after reading that first comment), the best thing about successful hail marys is the disbelief of the losing team. Such a pure feeling of defeat . . .
A six-month-old asleep at 11:30 on the table next to the laptop — work with me here, internet . . .
October 5, 2014
This was interesting to me at the time . . .
Because this was what I was looking up — how exactly kids made it from Westwood to Pasadena.
Remembered this from long ago and pleased to discover that nearly all Pac-10, er, 12 teams say something similar.
Still unresolved.
What's that thing about knocking on wood? Can't explain the buttercream frosting except to say, hold on to it because it won't last forever.
From the archives — not sure why I thought of it, but I did. I'm intrigued and a little bit scared about what they'll do in response to ISIS.
Posted: October 6th, 2014 | Author: Scott | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: Annotated Twitter, Environmentally Friendly Cleaning Supplies, Inappropriate Use Of The Word "Spanish", Lake Shore Drive, Low Expectations, The Best Brick Oven Pizza In Town!, Things That You Buy At Bed Bath And Beyond, Vinegar
