Annotated Twitter: Concave Annoyance Or Rigid Act Of Uselessness

April 5, 2015

The PR-Industrial Complex hard at work to kill what's left of your barely smoldering Saturday night buzz.

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April 7, 2015

I would have thought it'd have an "e" at the end, but no matter.

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April 14, 2015

Spatula or scraper? That concave annoyance or rigid act of uselessness?

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April 16, 2015

And, look, let's be frank — it's not just one but rather all of them.

Perhaps you've experienced "top-notch pizza," "top-notch cocktails," or even "top-notch bowling." My friends, notches topped in defense of freedom are no vice.

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April 17, 2015

MLB Extra Innings + HBOGO = uh, this.

And then we get prickly about Twitterrific "top-[blank]" lists . . .

April 18, 2015

Have you ever — ever — in all your years of reading, understood what monumental onslaught of transcendent brilliance an epigraph was meant to impart on your to-be-determined reading experience? I feel guilty about skipping them, then try to sit there and divine some sort of goddamn meaning only to quickly give up and start a book without ever thinking about the epigraph ever again. At best, epigraphs are a masturbatory exercise on the part of the writer to "prove" that he or she, I don't know, maybe makes use of those vestigial college paperbacks still cluttering bookshelves? There is no "at worst" because epigraphs are already "at worst." In short, feel free to gratuitously ponder over your precious epigraph, because America does not give a fuck. Honestly, I don't remember what book it was that set me over the edge.

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April 19, 2015

Fucking clickbait.

First, you have to assume the worst about artists who mine personal tragedy for creative purposes. Then you have to visit the local supermarket first thing on a Sunday morning in order to take a child out of a situation in which he might (did) potentially wake up his suitemate/sibling by GETTING UP SO FUCKING EARLY IN THE MORNING. They had "Tears in Heaven" on the sound system. Heh.

I'm assuming Jane Jacobs had this in mind when she wrote "The ballet of the good city sidewalk never repeats itself from place to place, and in any once place is always replete with new improvisations."

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April 22, 2015

People everywhere love "double meanings," when in reality they're lazy, facile and intellectually moronic. And of course I cannot stop whittling away at them to craft the best, most annoying ones of all time.

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April 27, 2015

My sense was, yes, yes, of course they were.

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April 29, 2015

In other words, picking up the pivot foot to pay fleeting attention to the early rounds of the NBA playoffs:

The Spurs intentionally fouled Jordan three times late in the first half, resuming the divisive strategy that even Popovich claims he uses reluctantly. Jordan, a dismal free-throw shooter, missed four of six before Rivers pulled him out. San Antonio committed five more intentional fouls against Jordan in the third quarter before Rivers pulled him again. He finished 7 for 16 at the line.

Posted: October 8th, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , ,

Annotated Twitter: Gluten-Free Since Before The Advent Of Rob Lowe

March 12, 2015


You know, come to think of it, now that we finally got FiOS, I don't think I've seen a Rob Lowe DirecTV ad. Which, if true, is strange: I don't really need to be pitched DirecTV if we already have DirecTV, right? Or did they just trade him for that horse lady who apparently dates Derek Jeter? Oh, that's probably it. [Googling] Ah, yes, they did retire Rob Lowe. I've officially spent way too much time pondering this.

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In other words, "Fender unto Caesar."

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Mr. Baby, Too's first tweet; fortunately the ability to swipe and sync up a Twitter account is not something the pediatrician concerns himself with.

March 14, 2015


The power of talking to your baby.

March 19, 2015


As someone who feels squeamish at the sight of too many "Ks" maybe I'm the wrong audience, but I would have thought that a pre-K program would be more attuned to conventional spelling.

March 20, 2015


Those who claim a mandate are usually overcompensating for something.

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One night I happened to notice that bit of information on the back cover. Weird.

March 24, 2015


I see you smirking.

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Of course I eventually broke down and figured out how to make the site "friendly"; looks like shit sometimes, but whatever the fuck ever.

March 26, 2015


In other words, three full days of griping.

March 29, 2015


Alright, Cecil Adams style, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. By way of background, I started by dutifully trying to collapse a box of laundry detergent, in order to recycle it, because that's the kind of law-abider I am. The dregs of the laundry detergent of course got everywhere, and since Mr. Baby, Too has a real penchant for white powder he discovers on the floor, I took a look at the box and found that gluten-free label. Raised eyebrows ensued. So apparently certain gluten sensitivities (not celiac, which is actually eating gluten) may be exacerbated by stuff with gluten.

Posted: June 3rd, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , ,

Annotated Twitter: Sexualized Rodents

February 1, 2015


Yeah, after seeing that, that was silly. One thing about that documentary though — the way they played up the mystery of why she stopped performing seemed incommensurate with the reason, which was Lyme disease — not to underplay Lyme disease, but it just doesn't read well as a cliffhanger.

February 2, 2015


Kids love cheese. You can totally get away with this, just not too often.

February 3, 2015


Words are very unnecessary . . .

February 6, 2015


Of course you do, of course you do, you corporate charm-loving suckup.


Whatever. I'm so over GoPro.

February 7, 2015


It's all true; and yes, that's how you tweet at a brand.

February 11, 2015


That bedtime battle? Look on the bright side.

February 12, 2015


Oh my god, I'm *so* sorry for doing this but I can't help it. I just can't help it from happening.

February 14, 2015


Old lazy travel writing: Beat up on airports. New lazy travel writing: Believe everything, hook, line and sinker.


I do wonder about Kate Upton's husky timbre, having seen those video game ads so many times. And I'm serious about clove; it's a very interesting spice.

February 15, 2015


In the continuing quest for bad advice that sounds good . . .


Yeah, the only thing worse than hiring a PR firm that does this is thinking about the poor dopes that open those emails.

February 16, 2015


The building we refinanced at.

February 17, 2015


Sometimes you find yourself watching Spurs games, Charlie Rose episodes, or reruns of Grey's Anatomy. And then something like this might occur to you.

February 23, 2015


Actually, I left that on the DVR as a sort of "head on the pike" warning to future viewers.

February 27, 2015


America, remove your earbuds. Quit exercising. Quit commuting to work.


The less said about sports apparel, the better.

Posted: March 19th, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Too Much Information | Tags: , , , , , , ,
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